Hello everyone. Not sure how to start as it is a long story. English is not my native language and I'm typing this from my phone, I apologize for any grammar mistakes.

I (m36) and wife (f30) have been married for almost 10 years now. We've met via Facebook, she used to live 1000km away from me, we had a long distance relationship and found a way to make it work for 6 months, then we met physically, confirmed it was love what we felt and we got engaged. A year later we got married. Life had its ups and downs, but we always found a way to fix things and make it work. We used to live in my home state, my parents had given me a pice of property from their own property and we used to live there but weren't happy. We made it work by saving, and then decided to move to her home state, we rented a house, she started working as we had reached an agreement that, in order to move, rent a house and have a comfortable lifestyle I needed her support, so we agreed on a 50 50 expense. This would allow us to save, buy or own place and have the lifestyle we both wanted. She stared working as a model, and her instagram started changing. She loves art, painting, photography, and her instagram used to be about that, then it changed to her modeling and sometimes posting pictures in her underwear or bikinis that pretty much look like underwear. I told her that although I understood most of the pictures she uploaded were due to work, I didn't like some of them as I found them somewhat explicit and disrespectful to me. This was the first time I talked to her about it as I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mentioned that I understood it was her profile, and that it represented her lifestyle or what she wanted to show the world but wasn't liking some of the content she uploaded and that when we're together at some events she uploaded pictures by herself and I felt like I wasn't part of her life in social media I felt like she was hiding me and yes that made me feel insecure ( I didn't admit it at the time as it was difficult for me to open up because I was afraid of 2 things, gaslight and fear of losing her, abandonment issues I had from my father) She responded " I didn't know I had to upload pictures with you to my ig, I didn't know it was necessary "

I was shocked she mentioned it cold, a part of me felt betrayed, my abandonment issues kicked in and I closed myself to that. I was angry, I felt betrayed but I also felt like I was overstepping and I didn't want to be (not sure what the word in English is) machista. Feminism was starting to become popular by then and I was learning a lot about microagressions and how I used to do a lot some of them and I started to change as well for what I thought was better. My intention was to become a healthier and more secure person. She loved me for it and I told her that although I was ok with her uploading certain kind of pictures due to work I wasn't ok with it when it wasn't work related and that to please stop using her phone a lot and trying to upload pictures when we are on dates, I told her I thought she was getting addicted to her social media and ig in specific. She responded that her ig was a sort of resume, displaying her lifestyle (or part of it as like I said before she rarely uploaded content with me) would help her get to more brands and better job opportunities.

I didn't know how to respond to that. I wasn't ok with it, but again I accepted it. I failed myself and that made me upset, that feeling turned to anger, and I started acting passive aggressively towards her, I admit this was wrong but back then I felt I was being gaslighted and didn't know how to express it( as i didnt even know what gaskight was) when I tried she told me I was insecure and needed to work on my selfsteem, again feminism and that kind of ideology made think that maybe she was right, so I went on with it.

During all this time, she was earning double what I was, yet didn't save, the 50 50 deal was there but I always had to pitch in to cover her part, it was more like a 70 30. I told her she needed to learn how to manage her income as I didn't think it was right that I had to cover her, she would pay me back later and I would use that money for savings... but she didn't save, I was saving for the both of us (again I found this unfair) She also didn't know how to drive so I had to stop working, drive her to events, then rush back home and worn, then pick her up at the end of some events specially events that ended late at night. Again I told her she needed to be more independent from me, as I was doing a lot for her, and was consuming me. She said she would work on it but for 5 years nothing changed. I stayed I was patient.

We bought our home in July 2019. We were so happy, although we had issues and problems needed to work on we knew there was nothing we couldn't solve together. As I mentioned before, we had moved to her home state, I didn't know anyone here, my family was 1000 kilometers away. I work from home so my only social time was at the gym. She became my everything (I now know how this was really bad but at the time I didnt) I'm not a social person, I'm more of a stay at home person. I like to play video games, like to cook, do house work, play guitar, and in general stay home and play with our 2 cats and 2 dogs. I do like to go out but not by myself and well since I didn't know anyone here I only went out with my wife and sometimes her sister would join us. They became my only friends. I know this is was wrong but at the time it felt ok.

2020 hit, my wife lost her job, she got depressed, I had some savings that would last us 3 months enough to pay mortgage, bills and food, enough to cover it entirely by myself but I was stressed. We took out a loan, enough ti cover all expenses for a year, as I thought things wouldn't last that long... Fortunately, not sure how, I started earning double. Sales went up a lot, and her income was no longer necessary. I was able to support the both of us and pay the loan. Things were great in 2020 I felt good. She didn't. I bought her painting material and she started doing that a lot. We would take long walks, talk a lot and I was there for her depression. Her brother mentioned lsd, and well I was interested so I tried it and opened myself to a new world, which lead to meditation and therapy, mental health in general. She took one a few weeks after I did. I did warn her that she would have to deal with things maybe she wasn't ready for but I would be there to support her, as did her brother. The LSD made her remember of a time she was raped as a child, she had forced herself to forget about it, but from time to time had dreams about it or sort of flashback memories showing only glimpses of what had happened, she thought it was only dreams but then later confirmed it had actually happened.

This devastated her, I was there to pull her up. I thought love would beat everything specially the love we had for each other. She refused therapy but started writing and painting a lot. We started doing lsd more often and it unblocked more of her memories and it also unblocked more of my fears and child traumas. We started working on them together and it felt great. During 2020 I encouraged her to learn how to do tattoos. I bought her a beginner's kit, machine and all, and since it was a new branch of art, she loved it and started learning and practicing. She practiced on synthetic skin then when she felt ready she practiced on me, her brother and sister then herself. After a few months she felt more comfortable and confident and I encouraged her to open an ig with her artwork and to think about selling some of her paintings or to create new ones to sell. She did, then she opened a tattoo page and started working from home as well. I bought her what she needed and whatever she earned I told her to keep it as she was starting and at least for now her income wasn't necessary. My intention was for her to recover from depression and focus on things that made her feel better.

2021 came, she opened her studio, rented a place for that, I helped her decorate and set it up. I was so proud of her. By this time as her income started going up, mine started slowly going down to what it originally was before 2020. I found this a weird coincidence but didn't mind it as I had savings and felt more confident. In 2021 we also reached out for individual therapy. I only went for 3 months and it helped me a lot I learned how to work on my childhood traumas and how to forgive and heal. My selfsteem went up. This is also the time I learned about red pill movement and I'm not sure if am remembering correctly, but also about MGTOW movement. My wife's ig changed to more pics of her life and she even shaved her head, I loved her style and the content I was not comfortable with gradually went away and she started uploading more about mental health. She went to therapy was diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder and a certain grade of autism. This shocked her, I sort of knew but was ok with it. She started taking meds for it and wow did she change. She was more focused, more independent and I was happy for her. She only took meds for a few months as she was learning how to manage herself without them.

2022 came I decided to surprise her by planning a wedding for our 10 year anniversary which will be July 13 2023. I mentioned that we had been through a lot and when we got married I wasn't able to give her the wedding of her dreams, and now thanks to savings and such I can, and I mentioned that I thought we deserved it. Our relationship deserved it as I felt proud for the 2 of us. She was of course happy. By this time she was earning almost as much as me, and she mentioned she felt it was time for her to start to pitch in again. I welcomed it as the wedding wasn't going to be cheap and we would be paying for everything ourselves.

I made some bad financial decisions in the first half of 2022 that drained almost all my savings. She of course didn't blame me for it but I did blame myself as I thought I knew better. My earnings started to decrease to even less than what I was originally making at the beginning of our relationship. This hit me deep as I didn't want to depend on her as she was working a lot on her mental health and I didn't want to be a burden. I did express this to her and she said I wasn't one but to do what i needed to do so I could be ok. She would help.

She recovered, left therapy and started earning more than me. Opened a new studio with a new tattoo artist she met (also female) they wanted to create a safe space for women, they had a similar style and goals so this benefitted her. All 2022 even though she was earning more than me I still had to pitch in to cover her part and still she didn't know how to drive. I told her I needed a break I needed for her to learn how to drive herself to places so she wouldn't spend a lot on ubers and that would allow her to save enough so I wouldn't need to pitch to cover her part. She said she would try but didn't. I told her I needed her to step up a bit so I could take sometime to know what I wanted to do ( I was not happy with my business anymore, I liked the money and how easy it was for me but did not enjoy customer service) and I wanted to have the same opportunity she had for a year which was to take her of her mental health, discover what she wanted to do, practice enough and eventually open a business in that area. She said she couldn't do that for me as she wasn't yet ready. I told her I wasn't asking for a year but maybe for just a couple of months.

I started teaching her how to save and how to drive, slowly preparing her and making her more responsible of herself. During 2022 her personal ig started to change again, more pics of her in underwear displaying her tattoos and some pics in what I believe are suggestive poses. I started not to feel ok again, but wasn't sure how to bring it up as I was afraid she would gaslight me again, and tell me how insecure I was and such. So I started doing more research I worked more on my selfsteem and worked on a way to communicate what I felt and explain what I felt without sounding insecure. This entire process took me a year. I read a lot about surviving infidelity and how many men felt the same way I do when their spouses uploaded similar kinds of pictures, this along with some RP ideology helped me understand that what I wasn't feeling wasn't insecurity, and that I just found it disrespectful. I finally learned what gaslight was and typical responses women say when their husbands bring these kinds of issues up. How some women are addicted to social media and validation. Again this took me a year, I want to stress that as I did a ton of research.

2023 came, my earnings were low but slowly recovering some months were good others weren't. Wife still didn't know how to save nor drive and I still had to pitch in for her despite earning less than her. I finally found the courage to talk to her about our financial situation and made an ultimatum. She had to learn how to save, that was step 1. I didn't find it fare for me to be the only one saving for our future and she spending money on clothing or other things and then not having her part for bills and mortgage. I mentioned that I had covered her for up to 35k and that I wanted that money back to invest in our future. We had to take yet another loan to cover for the wedding expenses and I wanted to pay it asap as interests are high and I wanted her to pitch in as much as I do at least.

Step 2 was for her to get her driver's license and drive herself to work and back. I was spending almost 2 hours driving her and I had to make up those 2 hours by working late at night, this was affecting my health as I was feeling more stressed. Step 3 was her pictures, but I still didn't have the courage to bring them up.

This finally, brings us up to last weekend. She got home and told me she had a surprise for me she bought herself a little something for us. It was a sexy lingerie. She mentioned that one of her clients made them and she purchased it from her, and that while she was tattooing her, her customer asked her if she wanted to be a model for her brand wife immediately said yes. I was shocked as we had previously talked about this and she didn't even take me into consideration. I told her I wasn't ok with it and she said "ok I won't do it" but I didn't feel right. I felt like I'm in her way of doing what she wants to pursue, and I felt bad for her as I saw her face of disappointment. She really did want to do it. I felt bad, I don't want to deny her anything but then again I'm not ok with that kind of content. I'm ok with other women doing it, but not my wife. And by this I mean soft explicit pictures I don't consume it, I don't like it and I don't want my wife uploading that kind of content.... During this argument, I had told her my mom was feeling ill, we think it might be cancer (3rd time it comes back) and I was down, I wasn't doing ok at all and was trying my best, but knowing my wife still wanted to upload and was uploading that kind of content just hit me more and I felt into a dark place, I was depressed. I stopped talking to her and when she asked I told her it was due to stress and my mom's situation, which was partially the truth.

A few days later my brother called me to ask me to come visit, as he was struggling watching my mom and needed my support. I didn't have enough money for plane tickets as I mentioned before my financial situation isn't the best one at this moment but it's my mom. I used my credit card to buy the tickets.

On Wednesday I talked to my wife letting her know that I'll be visiting my parents Saturday June 17th, today is Sunday June 18th. She was surprised but respected it. She was upset, because I was using my own money to pay for a trip. My own money.... That hurt. She was never fond of my family but getting upset over that hurt a lot. Not sure if it was that but I finally found the courage to bring up the pictures. I told her that for years I had been putting up with those pictures and I wasn't ok with it anymore. I am not insecure, I used to be and do to that insecurity I betrayed myself over and over again and I put up with it, that resentment was too much that I would act passive aggressively towards her but because I was immature and didn't know how to control my emotions I ended up hurting her and apologized for the past times I acted like that. I told her this was step 3 If she wanted a relationship with me to please stop with that kind of content. I am ok with her taking the pictures, he'll, I've even taken many of them, but I'm not ok with her posting them. I find it disrespectful and I believed my wife shouldn't show herself to the world in underwear and what I believe are suggestive poses. And that back then when I tried to bring it up she mentioned how I was toxic, insecure and belittled me, which in the end did make me feel insecure, I told her that I now understand that is gaslight and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. It was an ultimatum all 3 steps not just the pictures.

She wnt ballistic on me, started hitting me (with a pillow) cried and yelled at me. I told her to stop, that although her hitting me didn't physically hurt me it hurt me emotionally... at this point I shed tears and told her I had never, NEVER disrespected her that way and that I would never physically assault her in any way and she was and had done that in the past. And I just wasn't going to put up with it anymore. Either she changes or we divorce. She was shocked when I said that and asked "are you that insecure that you're willing to destroy our 10 year marriage for some pictures?" I responded "do you prefer to upload that type of pictures or our 10 year marriage?" I've put up with it for so long and I was never ok with it. I told her that, and that I just didn't have the guts to say it because I was afraid of this, I was afraid of also losing her and i was betraying myself and that's why it bugged me so much. It's not insecurity it's just something I'm not ok with. She told me she doesn't do it with that intention, that she loves modeling and its part of her hobbies and that if other people look at those pictures with desire or other intentions that's those people's problems not hers, her intention was the art and modeling and that she had never done anything to me regarding those pictures that would offend me. She mentioned she is careful with how she takes them, edits them and uploads them and if she sees rude comments or sexual comments she deletes them and blocks the person she's not interested in the validation she does it because it's a hobby she enjoys. I told her if it's the hobby she enjoys the art and taking the pics is ok but by uploading them to me it meant that she was looking for a sort of validation from others. Otherwise why would you upload something?

I told her I also sometimes looked for validation when uploaded my "gym results" and she told me "exactly and I take those pictures for you and I don't mention anything because I respect your individuality I respect you as a person and I feel you are overstepping into telling me what hobbies to pursue which don't involve you at all its something from my own person I am allowed to have. Sometimes you post certain memes or content on Facebook that I find immature and it bothers me, but it's not my problem, it's your image, it's your opinion and even though I don't agree I respect it. "

I responded that I understood her point, and agree to a certain point and that if she found something I was doing bother her to please tell me as I respect her and value her and I wouldn't my actions to bother her in any way and if it's something we can work out I'm willing to give it a try.

She responded "you trying to control what I upload is something I'm not willing to give up, as I would feel like I am betraying myself" We agreed to disagree, but I did tell her that she needed to work on her anger issues because this is the second time she physically tried to hurt me and that is toxic and that she did belittle and insult my opinion by calling me insecure, toxic, and mentioned that my opinion was bs a couple of time and I showed nothing but respect I never insulted she did.

We didn't speak from Thursday. On Thursday she finally got her driver's license but doesn't know how to drive that well (in Mexico you can get your license just by paying for it no tests) Friday she talked to me again and said she's willing to reach an agreement to change poses or clothing and to check with me to see if I was ok, but told me she felt betrayed not only by me but by herself and that I needed to get therapy to work on my selfsteem.

I responded I was willing to go to therapy but I didn't see it as insecurity, I wasn't afraid of losing her which would be insecure, I just didn't like my wife uploading that content. It's like me not liking a TV show, it's not about insecurity it's just something I don't like. She said she understood but I was overstepping. I told her it would be better if we went to couples therapy. I told her I'm willing to work this out and reach an agreement where we both feel good and ok. She said she didn't want couples therapy but wanted me to get individual therapy.

I told her if I got it individual therapy, psychologist would most likely ask me, well if you're not ok with what she's doing then why continue with her? And her psychologist would ask her the same "if you think he's overstepping and you're betraying yourself then why are you with him?"

I told her I understand how she feels because we both feel exactly the same way, we both feel that by accepting each others actions we would be betraying ourselves because deep down we wouldn't be ok with it and it might only be a momentary solution and that eventually one of us would have to be ok with the others actions. Either me ok with her uploading or her being ok with me overstepping, I understood it wasn't healthy for either of us.

So this leaves me to today. I'm at my parents house 1000km away. My mon fortunately is slowly recovering. She's no longer in extreme pain, but still in pain. We don't know if it's cancer yet or not, doctors appointment is tomorrow and hopefully they'll run necessary tests to confirm and treat her accordingly.
I'm devastated, I just don't know what to do or think. I don't want to feel this way anymore but also don't want to lose my marriage. I also learned that I've dedicated 10 entire years to her, have no friends, no family members there and basically no support. The friends I had, when I told I needed to talk, disappeared so they weren't real friends. I cried myself to sleep yesterday. My parents and brother know my situation as I told them yesterday and told them I'm not ok and have no support but I feel I have to be strong for my mother but all I want to do is cry. My father saw me vomit and saw me tear eyed, he knows I'm doing the best I can but I just feel bad. If divorce goes through I know it will put me in a really bad financial situation, all the stress from debt, I'm afraid of losing my 4 pets, of course losing the love of my life and the life we had imagined and planned out.

I know I've depended on her emotionally and I know I need to change that. At the end of the day I know I will be ok, I need to go through the pain and hurt not sure how much time it will take and at in this moment I'm not sure if I can go through it alone. My parents asked me to come back but I don't want to, I don't like my home town it's so insecure, high crime and I don't want to leave my pets behind nor take them away from her, it's unfair.

Wife and I agreed to couples therapy, but she asked for space. This whole week and we will talk once I get back. I hate to admit my abandonment issues are coming back and I'm struggling I'm really struggling. I know and understand I need to deal with the consequences of my actions and be responsible just never thought it would hurt this much.

Thats all... I needed to let it out. If you got this far, thank you for reading. Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR might be getting a divorce due to me not being ok with some of wife's ig content and wife thinking I am overstepping and controlling.