My fault | Divorce

It’s my fault 32M

So without going into all details me and the ex dated 3 years married for 2. To start the relationship I was already previously married but didn’t tell her till 3 months in when the divorce was final(we were separated) I felt obligated to the other marriage so tried to make it work for one day 5 months in which it failed right away. Got back with her after the ex wife left. Me and her broke up 3 years in for 6 months. I told her I needed to work on myself but instead tried to play both sides and started seeing her and another. She found out and left me and I ditched the other girl to make it work. I lied and told her it was a one night thing…we got married and I continued to lie about the time through therapy and marriage. She found out 1 year into it. She chose to stay and work as long as I got better and fixed my issues. I thought I did but every time it was brought up I would invalidate her feelings because I didn’t want to feel the shame and guilt and told her it was a long time again to get over it. I never helped her heal. We did have some amazing times and time together but I always felt on edge because it would always pop back up. Recently got into another fight and after she told me she was done done and filing for divorce and to leave her alone and give her space. After she continued to send videos saying either how to fix my issues or how I lost her or how I’m a horrible person. I would respond to the videos and messages to which she finally blew up on me and said I wasn’t respecting her boundaries and then removed me on everything. I fought it, started counseling figured out why I do these things how to help validate feelings and argue correctly but finally have given up after she said that. This is my second time divorced and loneliness has set in and the urge to always have someone so my phone isn’t a paperweight is setting in. I know I did horrible things but we always promised to fight. Not sure what I’m looking for but seeing as I’m now alone and don’t want to fall into my same old habits and be a better person for whatever is next I’m just trying to get everything off my chest in some way..I have to live with it being my sole fault and it’s difficult. I’m sad about losing her for sure and I’m also very worried. Best advice?

[–]Blueriveroftruth 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Opposite_Wall_3574[S] 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Blueriveroftruth 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Both you and she deserve better. I might be wrong, but you are in no place to have a relationship with anyone else now.

Cheating also inflicts trauma on the person who engages in it, because it is an expression of their internal pain and shatters their beliefs in themselves. So please consider healing your relationship with yourself first. You deserve love and happiness. You are meant for beautiful things like everyone else.

Please be kind to yourself. A lot of people would tell you to suck it up, man it up and not to be a cry-baby. They mean well. But it's self-compassion that would heal you. Having an internal critical voice such as the one your caregivers likely used with you would just make you feel unloved. If you feel unloved you would just get sucked back into the cycle.

As a guy it's harder for you in a way. I am a woman and society lets me show emotions and process them. You are told that you are disposable. Women and children first. Not only are you expected to die for us in an emergency, but your very pain over that mandatory sacrifice would only endanger those you are supposed to protect. Your pain must therefore must never be seen, let alone heard. That is a crazy screwed-up tall order, isn't it?

Not all men cheat in response to such pain, but they must do other things to numb that pain. Those things also threaten and break apart marriages and families.

None of this is meant to say that you are entitled to be unfaithful. You can certainly see it that way, since many societies have legislated in the past that multiple wives and lovers are the reward for men being cannon fodder. ( And many ruling-class men obviously sidestep that.) That's the unspoken contract in your being the provider. You are entitled as the provider to women's validation. They do the emoting for you. You have sex as your only allowed expression of emotions, apart from raging and making money. You die earlier than they do because it's still a bum deal, but you don't complain and take your pain to the grave.

It's not a sustainable model any more, as you know.

I was cheated on by my ex. You know what? I now know that the same black and howling pain that women like me feel at the betrayal is the same pain that pushed him to cheat on me. We are all in this together. We have to find alternatives to our inflicting pain on one another.

I have been gifted with much love in my life. I had much love and support from my parents, friends, and strangers. My ex until he lost relatives and succumbed to his pain was a most loving and caring spouse. May I extend some of that love to you. It is yours should you want it. And the world is filled with such love.

May you find love, joy and peace. Bless.

[–]upvotersfortruth 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Melodic-Grapefruit-4 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	My fault
Author	Opposite_Wall_3574
Upvotes	3
Comments	5
Date	September 1, 2024 10:16 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f6b4zs/my_fault/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-fault.1529109 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529109

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