Need some advice | Divorce

Based out of Washington State for the last 8 years and married for 10. Been contemplating divorce for majority of those 10 years and have lived an overall miserable life personally. I won't go too much into the details as there is far too much ground to cover there.

Ended up with an infant that is now turning almost 9 months old. My wife is not living with me and is abroad (outside US) with my son at the moment. Now that we have an infant, I am increasingly convinced it will be a harsh environment to grow up with parents that are fundamentally resentful of each other.

Do men stand any chance at all in becoming the primary custodian for an 9 month (or <1 year old) baby? Or courts always rule in favor of women? I am at my professional peak while she has worked for less than 2 years of the last 10. I am also in excellent health while she has several chronic conditions. We both love our little trouble maker, but she is overall a very difficult person with very strong infallible opinions coupled with very poor judgement, also an important reason why I am considering a divorce. Anyone with any experience in custody battles in Washington state can perhaps give me some advice?

The other question is, if she is living abroad with my son, would that delay the divorce proceedings by a lot? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Lastly, While the thought that I should file for divorce has lingered for the entire duration of the marriage, looking back I think I was gutless to not take that step sooner. But now that I am in my mid 40s, I also continue to ponder if this is the best thing for my son and if I should just suck-it-up and continue to be the provider for the family and accept living with a resentful partner. Has anyone been in a similar situation before? How did you deal with it?

[–]regertsrus 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (9 children) | Copy Link

Wow that's tough to process.
First she is abroad and you're contemplating serving her abroad? Are you certain she will return? Is the country she is in now, set up for reciprocal laws? (Hague convention). Staying together for the sake of a child is a silly idea.
You will have a very difficult time taking custody of a 9 month old from a mother who is mentally right.
She will likely get you for child support and maintenance. You will likely have to give her atleast 20% or your gross income plus about the same in maintenance for a few years. If she stays overseas with the baby, likely less if you get a good lawyer.
Your situation is not good with her not working and having a personality you're not good with. Hard to tell you to consider mediation. Alot of pertinent facts are missing in your post.
Like when is she coming back?

[–]smart_capybara[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (8 children) | Copy Link

Going back and forth on serving abroad. She is likely to be back in another 8 months. And yes, she is in a country that is set up for reciprocal laws.

You will have a very difficult time taking custody of a 9 month old from a mother who is mentally right.

This is good for me to know. She is mentally fine and in her own way, doing all she can to take care of our infant.

You will likely have to give her atleast 20% or your gross income plus about the same in maintenance for a few years. If she stays overseas with the baby, likely less if you get a good lawyer.

No problems from my side on this one. I am happy to take full financial responsibility for my son as long as I am part of the decision making process on where the money is being spent. The wife, like I mentioned previously, has beyond idiotic judgement and is utterly incapable of any financial responsibility. I suppose, the only reason we lasted this long is because I won all of my professional battles and my annual compensation went almost 8x-10x in the last decade. If my salary was lower, it would have been much easier to just walk away as being single is far better than being bankrupt.

Hard to tell you to consider mediation.

What exactly is mediation?

[–]OctinoxateAndZinc 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]smart_capybara[S] 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]OctinoxateAndZinc 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]regertsrus 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (4 children) | Copy Link

You will not get to decide how she spends the money. You hand the money over and piss off. Then on your time, nobody pays you child support and you have to provide all the same things with some exception. That's how the courts got this set up. The most absurd system meant to suck you dry in court and after. So if she wanted to spend your 2000$ per month stipend for child support on junk food, hair, nails, trips or even her boyfriend, there is very little you can do about it. The cost to litigate this is very high and the end result may reduce your child support slightly.

So in my case, I have to pay my lying cheat soon to be ex-wife 40k pretax yearly for 3 kids who are with me 50% of the time. The reason I have to pay her is because she works part time. Non-moneyed spouse receives child support when parenting time is split evenly. She then spends about 400$ per month on her hair and nails. She subsidized her mooch of a new boyfriend, goes on trips and whatever else. Then the kids on my time complain that she don't buy them clothes and they need other things in my home. Moral is just forget her and the money you hand over. Teach your boys not to sign a government paper when they get married. Civil ceremony and done. No problems later with maintenance.

Mediation is like paying a lawyer to represent you both at a table. It's not for everyone and doesn't work when one party is irrational and always believes to be in the right.

[–]smart_capybara[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

That is fair. I need to just accept that my money is going to be poorly used. I have been a first hand witness to it for the last decade. No reason for any of this to change now.

I take it, typically the divorce settlement would end up being 50-50 for assets acquired over the period being married + 1 year of support for her for every 3 years of marriage. Is the typical spousal support 20% of what I earn? Any ideas on how long do I have to pay child support? Let's assume that she moves back to the US but chooses to stay in a different state. So the 50% parenting is unlikely to work out. At the moment she is unemployed. Even if she gets a job, my annual compensation is likely to be 8x of her best case scenario. Any thoughts on how the child support payments would be enforced by the court.

[–]regertsrus 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

In most states the court will enforce the status quo. The formulas for child support change when you pay both child support and maintenance. Alone it can be 20- 30% or so from your income for child support. Maintenance can be more depending on if she works or not and what the status quo has been. Combined it would never be more than like 50%. In some cases if you have no kids and been . Married for over 15 years, the court will do 50% for maintenance alone for half the term of your marriage if it's long term partnership. Your worst case scenario is if she hasn't worked for a long time and considered a stay at home mom. Nobody going to force her back to work and she will bleed you dry for a long time. This is why marrying a woman with no job and no prospects is suicide. Not to cast them all in one basket but the point is that a SAHM can wake up one day and say "screw it i want to fuck around and then make my husband bleed legally".

[–]smart_capybara[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]regertsrus 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	Need some advice
Author	smart_capybara
Upvotes	1
Comments	10
Date	November 25, 2024 6:47 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gzcv28/need_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-some-advice.1536808 https://theredarchive.com/post/1536808

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