I am still married, but we have been romantically separated for more than a year (She started an affair with another woman). We still live in the same house (for the kids) but have begun seriously talking about divorce last month. I wanted a divorce since I found out about the affair but was afraid I'd never see my kids again, so I've refused to move out and am forcing her to serve me with papers. She hasn't done it yet and may never, since she's really enjoying having me as a live-in manservant who finances everything. I hate that this is where I am in life, but I also refuse to not see my kids every day.

I am in a world of s**t but my specific question is about what to do with our debt. She left a lucrative career (she made considerably more than I did) when our daughter was born and stayed home for two years. Now she works part-time but doesn't come close to making what I make. My paycheck pays for everything: the mortgage, the utilities, medical bills, etc. Hers, being much smaller, pays for groceries (and haircuts and her nails and fancy dinners and days at the spa and gifts off of Etsy for her girlfriend).

I had put her on a credit card that I've had for 24 years (she and I have been married for 11 years), and we had to put the purchase of a new furnace on it recently when ours crapped out suddenly during a cold snap (we are in the upper regions of New England). That cost $12k+. I pay $400 on the credit card a month to pay that down. She also had a medical issue this summer and racked up about $16k+ in medical bills. I worked out payment plans and am paying about $500 a month for those.

I have a 401k with a decent bottom line (she cashed hers out to help her girlfriend buy a house). I have been thinking about taking a loan from my 401k to cover the furnace debt on the credit card and the medical bills, which will only cost me $300 a month and eliminate our debt outside of the mortgage,

I've tried to work out the math, but should I take out the loan and she gets a smaller piece of my retirement (I assume she's going to get 50% of my 401k)? Or should I leave the debt alone and try to advocate for her paying for 50% of it and let her get a bigger chunk of my retirement fund?

I am not really out to screw her over financially (since that would adversely affect my kids). I'm just trying to make sure that I don't get screwed more than I already have been - I don't trust her at all.

By the way, her girlfriend makes more money than I do, and they already have a joint bank account together, and I'm a little concerned she's going to go after me for every penny she can get and give it to the girlfriend to build out the house to make it big enough for our kids to have bedrooms there (she already took $3000 of our savings).

And yes, I know I should get a lawyer but I can't afford one right now. After the mortgage and bills are paid, I have about $80 left over every month. If I do this 401k loan, though, it will be the first thing that I do since I'll have some extra cash

Is there a big downside to doing this loan that I am not seeing? Any advice is welcome. Thanks.