Struggling to accept

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-04-25T04:29:17+00:00

Wow, man I am sorry to hear about your situation.

Take a deep breath. And another, really a deep one. Put the alcohol down. Get a glass of cold water. Drink it. Then read this...

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-04-25T06:48:34+00:00

Man, you're not alone. Not even close. So many of us start out in a similar position. Divorcing has taken me to very dark places, and I lost my dad the year prior. Lots of good advice around here, I can tell you that time really does heal all wounds. I used to do therapy 3 times a week to patch me back together after being destroyed by my ex. I still go once or twice a week, best thing I've done in a long time.

Like a lotta guys, I lost the weight and got into shape, despite the darkness. I'm exploring hobbies I always wanted to do. I have to do a lot to stay out of the negativity.

Just my 2 cents, most divorces start out amicable, but I hear not so many stay that way. That's been my experience.

Hope you post often! Hang in there!

Patriot0811 · 2021-04-25T07:37:25+00:00

Been in pretty similar shoes, I’m slightly older and had close to the same body comp and alcohol issues as well. So here I go;

1) Dating should be completely removed from your mind right now. I rebounded, and it was humiliating. I was impotent, I wouldn’t have found out otherwise but it was a gut punch. From being overweight, the alcohol and the mental strain of the divorce. It was a bad move, but an eye opening one. That moment I knew I was in no position to date, realized the person I was with was desperate and saw me as an easy target. I broke it off, apologized (I initiated) and start the journey for me.

2) My health. Went ahead and got blood work. I had low T, and it’s been an issue since forever. Went to an outside source because PCP isn’t much help. Only a few weeks in but wow I feel great. I don’t recommend this, if it’s needed it’s needed... Went through an l Saw a psychiatrist and got on some anti depressant that really has been wonders.

3) My weight. I was pushing 330 at 6’1. I jumped on Nutrisystem for 2 months. It’s nothing revolutionary, simply hitting macros and counting calories. But helped me understand portions, for that the price tag was worth it. I’m down to 287 at 27% body fat, 240 is the goal and that’s at 13-15% BF, gonna be a big boy in all the right areas. No reason why you can’t get there. This is all done since January, mind you. So many goals physically you can reach in the short term, with massive long term health benefits. 1.5hrs a day, 6 days a week, 30 minutes cardio and I’m dancing around 3kCal a day. Get to the gym, it saved my life. And helped take all that negative energy i was wasting on my Ex, and put it toward lifting heavy weights. Now I’m getting eyes and I’m thrilled that I’m not really interested in dating. Making up for lost time for ME. When I’m good and happy, I’ll think about adding someone to that mix.

All in all, my advice is start focusing on your mental health. End the boozing immediately, and get to the gym. It was daunting at first, but it was easy.

dasheetz · 2021-04-25T09:14:25+00:00

Turn to God and the church. I'm a full blown alcoholic after my separation a year ago and I've a lot else going for me... The church is helpful... I don't go to a "church" it's a non denomination deal. Thebridge.me

Beneficial_Report957 · 2021-04-28T08:39:03+00:00

I am in the same situation. I am going through hell since my wife broke the news of divorce. Nothing makes sense anymore and the world and the future are suddenly bleak and terrifying. The only escape is sleep, the rest of the day is either panic or depression. I realize that the only way forward is through the pain, but there has to be something to hold onto, a glimmer of hope. Now all I feel is terror and I can't keep this up indefinitely. It really feels like dying. Friends try to help but it's like I'm in a deep dark hole and they're way up on top near the edge shouting words of encouragement.

Struggling to accept

Comments

1 is so humiliating.... u had the same experience.... I didn't have a problem I just couldn't finish.... I've stopped dating completely. I've decided I'm just going to let it happen..

Title	Struggling to accept
Author	aahainley
Upvotes	5
Comments	12
Date	April 25, 2021 4:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/my0lpi/struggling_to_accept/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/struggling-to-accept.817186 https://theredarchive.com/post/817186