Thanks - Kettlebell follow up

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-05-31T16:26:32+00:00

Waking up to realize that you've been abused is a process that takes time and a shift in your frame of mind. Often your friends have known about it for a long time and have been trying to drop hints in ways that you didn't recognize, because just outright telling you would have probably gotten them alienated from you and thus take them out from being in a position to help.

It takes a lot of humility, too, to admit that you put yourself in a position to be abused, you weren't strong enough to say no, you were too much of a sucker to realize that their behavior was temporary and could be fixed, and often even stupid enough to believe that all of it was your fault somehow. Thing is, you were conditioned to believe that things were your fault. Like the dogs salivating when the dinner bell rings, when angry wife gets angry you automatically think "I did something wrong."

Getting yourself out of that mindset and into something accurate and healthy can take a lot of time and a lot of help. At first you'll want to believe that it's because your wife needs some kind of mental help and you'll bend over backwards trying to get it for her because you still love her. Then you'll just do your best to care for her when she refuses because "that's what I signed up for, right?" You feel obligated to be that great big hero who saved the poor woman from the evil thing taking over her.

And eventually you just break.

Some people turn to jaded toxicity as a way of escaping from the idea that maybe they did something wrong or stupid or whatever. "All women are like that." "The system is designed to screw men." This mindset is attractive because it deflects the negative possibility that they could have done something about it -- i.e. "I should have stood up to her years ago when the issues were first starting," which for some automatically comes with self blame, i.e. "therefore it's my fault it went on so long." But if you think the system is just out to get you, then you get a free pass in your own mind that lets you escape blaming yourself.

This is why instead I recommend turning to a core value system that can offer some kind of forgiveness. This can come in the form of any number of religions (though to note, some religions actually preach a system of blame and shame that can make the problem worse, and they do so because it makes the members easier to control). It can come in the form of no religion at all, just a rewrite of how you think. Some nutshells: "Because Jesus suffered the penalty for my wrongdoing, I can forgive myself, and I can let go of my own judgement for the other person because his judgement will be fair." "We are all basically meat robots with faulty operating systems, so I can reprogram mine to not tolerate this kind of crap anymore." "Refusing to let go of things is the root of all suffering; let go and move forward." "Everyone's stories are just convenient constructs that enable them to see what they want and not what actually is; ditch all the stories, period, and focus on what I need and what others need."

Title	Thanks - Kettlebell follow up
Author	No-Shirt-484
Upvotes	8
Comments	3
Date	May 30, 2023 7:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13w0crp/thanks_kettlebell_follow_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/thanks-kettlebell-follow-up.1220798 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220798

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