Trauma bond not true love

My (29m) divorce was finalized last week. The marriage only lasted 10 months w/ no children so it was a quick 85 day process. By far the hardest 3 months of my young life and a reality I never saw coming. I loved this woman dearly but that feeling was not mutual. I took her on our first date in Mar. ‘21 and we instantly clicked. Things moved very fast to say the least but I was ready to “hang up my spurs” as we say in TX. I had a son in my teenage years so dating in my younger 20’s was challenging. My ex wife’s father is a preacher so I thought no way in hell would they go for a guy who fathered a child out of wedlock in high school. I soon found out that she suffered a miscarriage about 5 months before we met. I was told it was unplanned and the other guy was a loser. Walked out when she became pregnant and wouldn’t commit. The timing of it was a bit of a red-flag for me but I didn’t feel I had any room to judge. I looked past it and I fell in love with her. She was everything I had ever wanted for myself and my son. She adored him and he loved her. Her family was incredibly kind and gracious to the both of us throughout our 3.5 yr relationship. Her miscarriage was something that weighed very heavy on her heart as it would any woman. I thought our stories aligned quite well. I was a father and she longed to be a mother. I wanted to get married and have a family, as did she. I proposed in Dec. ‘22 and we married in Oct. ‘23. Everything seemed to be going perfect. We lived behind her parents rent free as they wanted us to save for a home. We combined for ~$100k a yr and were both pursuing our degrees/careers. She got off her birth control a month before our wedding. I thought it was a little soon but I didn’t care. I knew how bad she wanted to be a mother and I wanted to have another child. We both have very supportive and available families so we’d have help with a baby as we got some other things figured out. We instantly started trying for a child. She was pregnant by Mar. ‘24 ( 5 months married). She was so excited as was I and things seemed to be going great. It wouldn’t last much longer. In May sadly she suffered her second miscarriage. We were devastated and those days in late May will never be forgotten. I was very sad but optimistic about our future. We could now just be married, finish school, buy a house and get better established and try again when she was ready. That future I had envisioned with her would never happen.

On Aug.5th she told me she wanted a divorce after we had another argument over her constant drinking habit. She is diagnosed with bipolar depression and I knew her drinking every night was not a good way to cope from the miscarriage and unhealthy for bipolar. She could not have cared less and labeled me as emotionally/verbally abusive. Something drastically changed in her after that baby. She emotionally detached from me and didn’t want to be around me in our last two months of marriage. She filed for divorce on Aug. 15th and after Aug. 5th I never saw her again. She refused to see me and blocked my number. I had to communicate everything through her lawyer. The woman I vowed my life to walked away after less than a year and 2 months after a lost child. Some days it still doesn’t feel real. I miss her everyday but trying to find a way to let go.

Long story short, I’m not sure if she ever truly loved me. I think I came into her life while she was still grieving her first miscarriage and she trauma bonded to me. I had a child and she was treated as a mother by myself and my family. She was an incredible step mother to my son and he misses her very much. I wasn’t a perfect husband but I was really good to her. I put her first, our marriage and our future. I at least was doing the best I knew how to do, but I don’t know if I or anyone could have helped her mentally/emotionally after that second baby. She checked out on me and was DONE. It’s been really tough and everyday I’m just taking it one step at a time. I’m going back to school in Jan. to complete my degree for myself and my son. My therapist has really been working with me to understand trauma bonding and even my own issues I need to work on. It would seem she wanted to be a mother more than she wanted to be married to me. The due date would have been late Nov. early Dec. so I know it’s coming up right around the holidays. I figured we’d be welcoming a new baby at Christmas this year but instead I’m grieving the loss of my marriage.