I fathered a child at 16 years old and I’m now 29. I have a great relationship with my son and have been in his life since day one. He looks just like me and knows his father loves him. I had to obviously grow up very fast and dating throughout my younger 20’s was difficult. I met my now ex wife when I was 26 she was 25. She was truly incredible with my son from the first time they met. Her family accepted the both of us as their own. He and I were both in love with this woman. My family loved her and everything seemed to have lined up perfectly. In my heart I never doubted that God gave me and my son this woman as a gift. A gift to me for not running from my own life’s challenges and responsibilities. I never even considered getting married or having more children before I met her. We dated for 2.5 years and then got married. My divorce was finalized two weeks ago and the marriage only lasted 10 months.

My ex got pregnant in March of this year. It was completely planned and we were extremely excited. I was fucking pumped because in my eyes I did it “the right way” this time. Married, good jobs, great support system, and I was ready to bring another child into the world. I remember going to work that next day feeling on top of the world. I had everything I ever wanted, a beautiful family and adding to it. I started calling my wife lil mamma and was so proud of her. I knew she’d be a great mother and she wanted her own baby so bad. She suffered a miscarriage 6 months before I met her in 2020. She had Covid while pregnant so she had believed that was the cause of the loss. It really stuck with her though and early on caused some issues while we were dating. I was able to get past it and support her because I loved her and needed to validate her feelings.

On May 21st, 2024 we went in for the 12 week apt./gender testing. Ultra sound and no heart beat. It happened again, my then wife had miscarried. The baby stopped growing around 9 weeks. It was the most bizarre out of body experience for me. The worst part of it all is that my marriage died that day too. She wasn’t the same after that day. She didn’t want to be my wife anymore. I was really happy in my new marriage and loved where we were headed. I just thought it wasn’t our time and we’d try again later when she was ready. That day never came and it will never come. The due date is coming up soon and it’s been on my heart heavy. I wasn’t able to truly grieve that loss with her. We were only married for 2 more months before she filed for divorce.

Today I am back to feeling like a failure. In someway I failed her at her lowest point. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. She detached from me and hardly wanted me to touch her. She didn’t talk to me about what she was feeling or going through. I didn’t press the issue because it had just happened. I was trying to just give her some space to process it hoping she’d come back to life. She never did and now I mourn the loss of child alone and my marriage. I wish she would have just told me to hold her. Tell me you need my touch and strength. My ex is also diagnosed bipolar disorder which I believe plays a big part in this story. Major trauma combined with mental health and substance abuse (alcohol to cope).

Did this make my divorce easier? Yes. I still have a 12 yr old son who is devastated at losing his bonus mom though. He remembers her telling him just a year ago on our wedding day “Now I’ll be your real step-mom forever”. It wasn’t forever buddy and I’m sorry. Your dad tried his best and it just didn’t workout, I’m so sorry. I know he wanted to finally be a big brother abd I tried. Truthfully, I believe she was carried away by severe grief. I couldn’t catch her and she ran as fast as she could. I never met that child or even knew the gender, but in my heart it was a little girl that looked just like her momma.