What do I do?

NohoTwoPointOh · 2020-01-25T13:25:07+00:00

Whatever you do, don’t go to r/relationshipadvice or other female-centric subs posting this. They will gaslight you into believing that this is exclusively your fault. They will say stupid shit like “people change as they age (as if going up to 300 pounds is some normal fucking part of the aging process) or “you probably don’t make her feel sexy” (as if there is any possible way to do this with a 300 pound woman).

Don’t get me wrong..you married her, so you do share this problem. But ultimately, she is the only one accountable for her own actions and body. My ex gained 150+ out of a combination of self-care issues and pure laziness. She ultimately got into therapy with no substantial effect. Your wife likely resents herself for the way she looks and resents you for being beta enough to put up with it. Sounds crazy, but the dynamics of this situation are brutal.

There is no way to affect a woman’s weight. Full stop. The only way it will happen is if she does it on her own. The bullshit advice of “you should take walks with her “ is moot as long as she power-inhales chocolates after the walk.

Another wrinkle? If she does lose the weight, you stand an incredibly high chance of being cheated on or outright being left by her. Women practice denial like Spider-Man can crack one-liners and sling webs. Recommending gastric bypass likely destroyed any possibility of maintaining that denial. That denial often turns into resentment for shattering her glass sphere of denial. One way or the other, you will pay.

Compounding the problem even further is the fact that you sort of chose this. You said that your wife was always on the larger side. News flash that your father may have neglected to tell you: Thick transitions to fat 90-something percent of the time. They rarely maintain and almost never get smaller. You knew her eating habits when you were dating and that they would be unsustainable over time—especially after childbirth. What were your expectations????

Go see a lawyer to determine your options and possible courses of action. Then, go home and lay it out. Ask your wife if she is happy with the state of the marriage and her part in keeping each other content. If she waffles or says everything is fine? You need to make some decisions. If she mentions reality, establishes a plan of action that starts with therapy (and IMMEDIATELY follows through)? You may be part of the 10% who turns things around.

I feel for you, man. I truly do. You are in a horrible choice between feeling like a villain for wanting to leave because your spouse no longer cares about being attractive to you versus self-hatred that comes with having to pretend you enjoy sex with someone who probably disgusts you.

All I can say is that whatever decision you make, you must go all-in. If you choose divorce, check your guilt at the door otherwise you will get kickfucked in court. If you choose to stay, you’re going to have to somehow make peace with the fact that you ultimately chose this path.

Good luck.

notnotjosh · 2020-01-25T15:30:02+00:00

Well... You posted in the right sub.

SafeHarbors · 2020-01-25T08:30:27+00:00

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-fear-of-ending-a-relationship/

And

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/stay-or-leave/

2020-01-25T17:39:37+00:00

lack of sex is a great reason to divorce- no other excuse needed and you should be guilt free! If you are openly telling her your wants and needs, even offering to help with exercise and gastric bypass, and she chooses to do nothing, then you have done enough.

I'm a female- spent 30 years with someone- weighed 140-200 throughout the years- weight gain in our thirties is common as we get busy with house, kids, two careers, loving life etc I gained weight with each pregnancy, gained 40 pounds in nursing school sitting and reading non stop, lost the weight, years later gained 20 pounds on nightshift with bad eating habits, etc

even if she was 120 pounds and hot, if you are not sexually attracted to her you both deserve new partners ...until then you are wasting your lives

she can find. or may have found already chubby chasers or men who love her 300 pounds

SpearCatcher1 · 2020-01-25T18:46:48+00:00

Some great advice here already. I was going to say try for marriage counseling as a format for laying out the facts and bringing it to a head. That said, she is a DOCTOR she already knows her weight gain is not healthy, sudden weight gain has psychological ties, and that libido is necessary for marriage.

If I was really going to play psychologist, I would say that at some level she already understands the entire dynamic and has made her choice: she's willing to pursue you to love her as a chubby woman, but she's not willing to deal with her issues and fat for you.

If you do move to end it, then how you do so really matters. Be the self controlled gentleman, but that doesn't mean you have to be a sap either. Stick up for yourself with regard to the house, the money, and most of all custody. File on the basis of irreconcilable differences, but be prepared if it does turn nasty before its over.

Sticking with a dead marriage isn't necessarily best for the child.

thrdgeek · 2020-01-25T15:38:08+00:00

Man I am so sorry for and share your pain. Being in a loveless marriage sucks. You see your life passing by. Weight gain is an epidemic IMHO. Too many refuse to think they is something they can do to manage it. Always looking for that magic pill then they give up. I wish I had advice to give about how to approach this. My circumstances are different as there is so much more writing with my marriage. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.

journeysend2017 · 2020-01-26T00:54:47+00:00

Midlife crisis? The grass is not always greener on the other side. Focus on the positive 😊

ABrownLamp · 2020-01-26T09:42:06+00:00

300lbs?! And she's a physician?!

Bro, she is prioritizing food over her marriage and her career. Like I'm gonna take a 300 lb doctor seriously. She knows that is not attractive to a man too. A lot of people have trouble losing weight due to slow metabolisms, but if you're 300lbs that's just straight up overeating. But damn if she was 240 at your wedding, you had to have known this was a possibilty.

Idk man, I'd definitely talk to her about this

Title	What do I do?
Author	thatguy125643452
Upvotes	8
Comments	12
Date	January 25, 2020 7:57 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/eto1b5/what_do_i_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-i-do.818724 https://theredarchive.com/post/818724

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