So if you look back at some of my history, after 14 months of fighting and arguing over her (41f) extramarital full on relationship with another guy (we were open marriage our entire 16 yr marriage aka swingers, she fell in love and pushed away from me) while demoting me in our marriage, I (49m) finally filed for divorce.

I live in a state where nothing can happen for at least two months after filing. It's a cooling off period. So I went from 14 months of fighting and compromising my own feelings to keep it working to seeing there was no way in hell I could reclaim my status as "husband" (romantically speaking) and saw no other option but divorce.

Well in those two months, I found I had emotionally separated from her. In its place, we started getting along just as well as we did before she even met him - just no sex or physical intimacy. She still does her share of chores and pays her half of the budget. We split meals. She does her laundry, I do mine. Our bank accounts are fully separated now. Her debts are hers to pay, mine are mine. We watch TV and talk and laugh and everything is peachy.

So it got me thinking: What are my advantages to divorce? Other than "moving on", nothing. She already signed a post nuptial agreement when we started fighting and she doesn't intend to contest it in a divorce. I keep the house, the retirement accounts, investment accounts. She agreed to this because she had put too little into these things. And she can't afford to buy me out of any. Advantages of staying married? I still have a roommate/partner/friend. I don't have to pay 100% when I am paying 50%. I don't lose VA disability money (about $200 a month). When I get sick (I had COVID last month) she took care of me as always, was worried, and even drove me to the ER. We have six animals that she wouldn't be able to take, so she helps with them as well.

And of course she gets all the advantages of staying in what she considers a safe and now peaceful home. She doesn't get separated from the pets. Half of our budget is still less than an apartment and her own expenses. She won't be able to afford health insurance on her own, but under me it's a given due to my VA and retirement benefits. And I live very close to where she works.

So we talked recently. We've been in marriage therapy for the past 18 months now - even after I filed for divorce we stayed with it. I wanted to get her thoughts and feelings on possibly ending the divorce process and all the reasons listed above. Of course it naturally threw her into a loop. She spent the past two months preparing to divorce, find a place (hard to do because rent is high where we live), and move out.

As far as finding me a new relationship - I'm not ready to. I know it would be extremely hard to meet a vanilla (not lifestyle/open marriage type) woman that would accept that I am still married and living with my estranged wife, but I'm just not wanting to date now anyways. Since we were lifestyle, we know a LOT of folks that are also. Big groups of people that go to the lifestyle clubs or have house parties or we go on camping trips. I get invited to all of it as a single male because that's really how they know me. They know I'm married, many have met her a few times before so they know I'm legit and honest about the situation. I am not ugly and I am a decent guy so when I go to these events if I want to get laid I get laid. So when I need or want sex, it's not an issue. I have one lifestyle lady friend that made it clear I can call on her anytime. So having physical intimacy isn't a problem.

So for now, while she thinks it over, we're just going to hope for a far out scheduled court date. If we're both not ready, then we ask the judge for more time.

So the question I pose to you gentlemen of all ages: Am I just being a sucker? Part of me thinks that maybe I am just afraid of being alone. We did have a six month trial separation this past fall, but she was over here so often it didn't feel like it. However, I did manage everything by myself just fine. Still, while I don't see any benefit to divorce, I see the disconnect. I always believed that people that are married should be each other's #1s. Yet I always see long married, vanilla couples that literally hate each other but stay married. I know lifestyle people that are married but they aren't really together anymore either. I never wanted this type of marriage obviously, but at the same time - why not? Why not use her the way she used me for the first 14 yrs? Now that she has a decent career going, I feel it's time for some financial payback. If she leaves, this house is just too big for me alone even with six pets. The thought of moving, especially alone just stresses me out and is exhausting to think about (even though we did it nearly a dozen times when I was in the service).

So am I being a sucker and "holding on" subconsciously, or do I make sense? All opinions welcome.