I can't even say that I was red pilled. I always thought that saying this type of thing would sound stupid, like someone who says that they're an alpha male, and yet here I am.

I started consuming red pill content around May or June, not because I was attracted to the red pill ideology, but because most of the advice around self improvement and relationships were from red pilled men (my go-to was Hamza). For a while, I was really focusing on myself. I started going to the gym religiously (still do, and I like it since it makes me feel better overall, I'm not doing it just because I have to) and have lost a bunch of weight and put on a fair bit of muscle, I had a 1-month apprenticeship at a big IT company in my university city which has led to me being mostly accepted for the paid internship that will follow and with the money from that I plan on buying things that will help me feel more confident and attractive (better clothes, some classy jewelry but nothing over the top, a few nice colognes and hair and skin care products).

However, with as much self improvement as I have done, it felt like it'd never be enough. They all kept talking about how a man has to be constantly driven and ambitious, 100% focused on his goal, that goal mostly being getting as much money and influence as possible... I'm just not that type of person. Sure, I want to evolve in my career in software development, but that ain't a passion, it's a means to and end, that end being having enough money to enjoy my life (travel, buy things, enable my hobbies such as gaming, reading, airsoft, fitness and motorcycles), preferably along with a nice partner by my side. Which leads me to my next point, which is their relationship advice:

  1. Women will always want certain stuff from me: be it money, which will be gone (for a while at least) in case I lose my job or some bad thing happens along the way and she will leave me if it comes to that; be it emotional security, which will be gone as soon as I dare shed a tear or open up about a fear or insecurity I have. This has been reinforced not only by these relationship gurus, but also by so many men sharing their experience with opening up and crying in front of their partners, which sometimes (maybe many? maybe not) led to these women losing attraction and leaving the poor sod or even going as far as cheating on him, despite her saying that she'll be there regardless and she'll be supportive and nothing will change.
  2. Women will leave me for the better option or once they get bored of the relationship, which is why I'd have to always be competitive and "have abundance", i.e. always have a back-up plan (or plans) regarding women.
  3. Women always say that they want a certain thing but they don't really know what they want. The vulnerability thing comes to mind, as I have stated above, or personality, or other traits.
  4. Slipping up and making a mistake or doing something she doesn't like results in her getting the ick and dumping me.
  5. Having to be the dominant one in the relationship. I don't want to feel like I have to father her around, make most of the decisions and stuff like that. I want a partner, not a kid/pet!
  6. Most women being the same, the ones who don't do the bad things (leave you for the better option, losing attraction after seeing you vulnerable, not attracted only to the men who seem the embodiment of peak masculinity, etc.) are only exceptions, and are very few and far between.

All this has caused me to have trust issues. I can't look at a girl I like and think of approaching her because my mind jumps directly to the bad stuff: sure, she may like me now, but what if I <<insert any kind of non-masculine behavior or mistake or other bad thing>> happens along the line and she leaves? What if, what if, what if... and all of this has caused me to have a bad opinion on most women and relationships. Sure, not all women are like that. Hell, my best friend's girlfriend has helped him with money, been by his side and cried with him when another one of our friends died, or when his dog was on the brink of death and she held him and consoled him when he opened up about some hardships regarding his father (during which he also cried) and they still have a healthy and normal relationship, so I have a real life example of a positive outcome. Problem is, what if I won't be so lucky... ever?

I just want to get out of my head and forget all this stuff I learned. Sure, some good came off it, but mostly bad. I never had anxiety about this sort of thing, now it's the only thing I can think of. I started this journey of self improvement because I wanted to become the best version for me and for a future partner, and instead I am starting to fear the very reason I started this for.

And yes, I know that I should love myself and not depend on someone else to love me, but I still crave a *healthy* romantic connection. I have quite a few good friends that I could trust with my life and a nice, supporting family, so in those areas, I am connected enough, those and my hobbies keep me happy. But the empty bed I crawl into at night is still cold, and I'm still touch starved, but now I fear the very thing I crave for, all because of the stupid ideas that I myself let red pillers plant in my head.