Sometimes I think in the past I acted too nice in front of women because I was taught so and especially growing up being a big black boy in the Suburban White Town some things you do that are completely normal can be misconstrued into creepy and I think that still carries with me in adulthood.

Like things such as flirting or even touching a woman still make me cringe just because of how much negative messaging I've gotten and even personal experiences growing up trying to flirt and date as a black dude because portraying confidence can come off as aggression.

One day I was flirting with some girl and she took everything the wrong way and called the police and she was a youngin tiny white girl. And I'm not unfair and I'm pretty sure it in her head she saw me is some big threatening mail but ever since I was a kid my mom warned me that I have to be extra careful with these types of girls. Even though I understand where she's coming from it was far from the truth.

I spent years trying to analyze what I said they could have made her gone over the edge and thank God most people at the college knew me otherwise she probably would have been believed.

In the back of my head even if I take the rejection isn't a rejection but it's always what she thinks of me does she think I'm some Thug or some criminal or some weirdo.

Even then on the opposite end of the spectrum sometimes it's insulting when girls get turned off because they expect me as a black man to be some Super Hyper sexual dude.

And I know because so many girls have openly said it. White, black, hispanic etc...

Even showing PDA in public sometimes makes me cringe just because I know already that my presence is alarming in itself but also trying to flirt and be confident and witty while black is sometimes difficult.

Even when I was with my ex who was white sometimes she would not understand why people would look at us weirdly because all her life she's been a tiny conventionally attractive white woman but me being a gargantuan black man is one of the most alarming things you could be.

And it only got worse as I got older and bigger and now it 23 I get called handsome but I feel so much fear behind it now.

Other men have been jealous and have stated their envy that I have this body but I just don't feel it and they don't know what drawbacks comes with it.

Part of my descent into some of the red pill stuff was just because I was tired of feeling like the bad guy whenever I try to express myself sexually

Black man already seen as super sexually aggressive and one would think that would be a positive in dating but to me sometimes it comes down as degrading and you see it in movies and TV and books and it's very prevalent in porn.