~ archived since 2018 ~

I never know when I'm enough

defo18

September 19, 2020

1 upvotes

/r/ExRedPill

Just as the title says I'm completely confused and I have no idea what else to do or what to improve on or how to improve on it or even if it's worth improving.

Like when I was 18 I got out of my shell and started leading clubs and even then I didn't really see a difference in the attention I got.

I feel like my 18 to 21 year old self was way better than the 23 year old me now just because he was still learning and improving and enjoying it but now at the end of that I keep wondering if it was all enough

I bought clothes and join clubs and did all types of things that were fun but nowhere did I see that as some type of thing that would help me with female attention just because I have not experienced it and I would hate for it to happen if it was real. The idea of self-improving sounds like a Surefire way to get dates but from someone who did it without getting dates in mind I just can't agree with it

Like right now I know I need a car and house but even if and when I get that I feel like it there will still be so many other things I need before I am dateable and by the time that happens all be near 30 and I'll probably not want to date anymore

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Post Information

Title	I never know when I'm enough
Author	defo18
Upvotes	1
Comments	42
Date	September 19, 2020 11:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/iw2u8g/i_never_know_when_im_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-never-know-when-im-enough.260193 https://theredarchive.com/post/260193

Comments

[–]Comfortable_Intern575 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (26 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (25 children) | Copy Link

[–]Comfortable_Intern572 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (24 children) | Copy Link

I don't like hookup culture either, you don't have to settle for that if you don't want to. A lot of times it's just luck. Don't be afraid to approach girls either and just talk to them, but you should be on the lookout for visual cues of interest. If they try to avoid looking at you, trying to talk to a friend, not really engaging just move on. If she seems warm and friendly you can keep talking to get to get to know her. If she likes your personality it should be obvious. Girls need to feel safe and relaxed, your looks are kinda important but how you present yourself is too. But don't take rejection personally, sometimes things just don't spark, just keep pressing on.

In the past I never met a guy at a club or bar or anything. Some were from work, one was a friend of my neighbor's and we happened to get introduced and really hit it off, some were from school/college, some were through mutual friends and family members.

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (23 children) | Copy Link

[–]Comfortable_Intern571 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (22 children) | Copy Link

I think women should do more approaching too, but here's the downfall of that. When we women tell men we are not interested, they either will not stop bothering us or they get incredibly mad and start calling us bitches and whores. Maybe you don't do this but it happens to us so often we rely instead to just be polite and give cues like not showing much interest, hoping you'll get the hint.

Also, while I usually am the one to ask a guy out, one time a gave a guy I just happen to see in a restaurant my phone number. I thought he was cute and if he was interested to give me a call. He called me that night wanting to come over and have sex. Men have a tendancy to see women who do that as sluts and whores.

If guys want women to be more assertive in the dating world, they need to meet us halfway.

[–]Comfortable_Intern571 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

But we men should not have to pay for what the assholes do. I had an ex who thinks like that who try to make me pay for every single transgression that passed mended and she still ended up cheating on me but I had to pay the price for all her past boyfriends

I kind of do think a lot of men do try to meet you guys halfway but men and women art socialized differently and are brought up differently but I've heard this argument before and I just can't agree with it

I'm sorry you get called b****** and whores and stuff but guys deal with a lot worse than that when we approach for any type of relationship.

If more women normalize approaching than maybe you would see less of that but even still some stupid dude, you b**** or horror is bad and I'm not excusing it but that doesn't seem like something that should lead a lot of women to act like they have no agency

[–]Comfortable_Intern572 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link

And I do get that yet at the same time it's crazy because I've gotten the same thing but the difference is I have to approach because I'm a man

I get you don't see it that way but when you set up something like that it does kind of come off as all the past people did me dirty so you have to pay now

Men get insulted for approaching women and sometimes women aren't the best at rejecting gracefully. Like it's okay to reject a guy but don't call him out his name or try to make him out like a creep or weirdo.

In high school I approached the girl that I liked and she ended up treating me like a creep after work because she was an a****** and she liked my friend who did not like her

I do however sympathize because I have seen when other men go too far and call the girl a horse or a b**** and I do not agree with it yet at the same time I know I'm a good dude and I have never did that to a woman and it kind of makes me a little upset to think that a lot of girls were probably giving me very subtle cues just because some past dude couldn't take rejection well

[–]SpinachTiny1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link

"I get you don't see it that way but when you set up something like that it does kind of come off as all the past people did me dirty so you have to pay now"

I get why you feel this way. But this is not about women punishing you, its about women protecting themselves. When men go dating, the worst thing they have to worry about is being rejected. When women go dating, the worst thing they have to worry about is physical and sexual violence.

you shouldnt only view women's actions through the lense of how they affect you. You need to realise these are not personal attacks on you, but a rational response to being a woman in current society.

I get where you are coming from. I did ok datewise from my late teens to early 20s. Then nothing until about 30. And I didn't really get why, and resented women who didn't understand that I was one of the nice ones, and took it personal when they were cautious around me

There is no easy answer to get out of this kind of funk, but if I was going to suggest anything, it would be to learn to accept rejection.

"I regret trying to go after some girls because they had to reject me in the worst way possible like calling me names"

Dont 'go after' girls. Approach them, make your intentions clear, and then walk away if they say no. 'Going after' women is movie bullshit, that is part of the reason women fear dating, and will fear you if you do it

Is it fair that culturally, men are told to behave in ways that are, or appear to be, dangerous to women? No, it's super shit. But you cant blame women for this, and pretending/wishing the world were better, isn't going to help your situation

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz071 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Do you realize what your conclusion is condoning violent acts of men with emotional outburts? It sounds like "well if that 14 year old girl didnt call me a loser when i confessed to her, then maybe she wouldn't have gotten beaten up and raped by me".

It's our personal responsibility to deal with our emotions and mental. If not, everyone who was ever fucked over as kids or in adulthood would stayed fucked their entire lives since the perpetrators simple cannot fix what they did or even be counted on to even try.

Fact of the matter is you cannot control what anyone does no matter how you feel about it. Even if someone calls you names, you are responsible for how you mentally deal with it or react.

You're already expecting women to do this, so why can't you do the same. You expect them to not have a hard time hating or being afraid of men after they've been brutally assaulted, raped or stalked and their other numerous terrible encounters with men? A lot are already working on their healing but its a slow process. You cant expect them to not act the way they do because there are still tons of shitty men out there. Our responsibility as men is heal ourselves, understand the situation and not give a fuck.

In short, women are not responsible for your emotions. If you live like they are I guarantee you'll be miserable. Maybe someday, if everyone learns the subtle art of not giving a fuck, it'll equilize society and things will become "fair".

You should try reading the book "the Subtle Art of Not Giving Fuck"

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz071 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz072 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]defo180 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Women play along with every single type of dominance hierarchy and every single stereotype for both men and women as women live in and contribute to society equally just like men

My ex-girlfriend was very much like a jock as in she was a bully and bullied tons of people who she thought were inferior and angry and she was a girl

I've had tons of female bullies and I have even female friends who although are not mean or evil do sometimes subconsciously judge men on their gender.

I can't speak about ages past but there are tons of times that were not good for men and women all at the same time.

The white feather movement is a great example of females using their feminine power to Shane men because what's more shameful, a man telling you you are a coward or a woman?

Hell anytime some woman says to a man that he's too or not manly enough is sexist because how can she has a woman ever know what his manly are not or how much is or how less than if something is concerning masculinity and is it her place to even question it if we are going off the old model.

My point is both men and women contribute to all forms of toxic gender Norms all at once in all at the same time sometimes without our thinking

[–]legendaryz072 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz072 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz071 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I have listen to tons of women complain about their abusers and sometimes they exaggerate and sometimes it's their fault for putting themselves around them

And you're right you shouldn't expect people to act one way but when you have tons of people exclaiming that they subscribe to a certain highdeology and then those same people not actively Walk The Walk then they are hypocrites and I can't stand it.

And if girls were such Masters at social cues than they should have seen through the guy pretending to be nice

I know for a fact that not every girl is like this and not every woman is like this and that goes without saying but I've met a lot of girls who are.

I know a girl who is constantly going through a string of abusers and that's because she is constantly putting herself in the environments and around other people were abusers converge.

I apologize have the same hostile but I spent a long time I'm brainwashing myself that being a big tall and black man was not a dangerous thing and a lot of young flustered and immature women have caused me a lot of pain in my life because they were tiny women and use that as an excuse or Shield

I'm 23 right now and I'm just now accepting that women can be attracted to me on their own because when I was growing up I got so much bad messaging about black men being inherently dangerous and sexually aggressive. Lo and behold girls like that and it's the girls who have been acting sexually aggressive towards me.

Yet when I look at all this I'm supposed to act like men or somehow at fault and men are somehow always perpetrators or abusers

[–]legendaryz071 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Dude. I envy that you're a tall black man. Im also 23 but shorter. Are you talking about black women? I was always under the impression that they loved that shit

If you're talking about white women though, I can see that.

The same way you say that you've met a lot of girls who are, I bet that women have met a lot of men who a troublesome as well. A lot more men have the power and ability to physically hurt them than vice versa.

The thing about abuse is that it's hard to break out because psychologically that's what your brain interprets as love and you crave it. It happens to men as well. However, no one ever willing puts themself in that situation. It's is not their fault that they are there but it's there RESPONSIBILITY to break out of that psychological damning loop. No one can do it but them because the abuse is so ingrained. You can help them but only if they start the process themselves.

I hear you about the subtle hints thing though. I hate them as well but like...there isn't anything you can do except play the game or don't. Unfortunately if you don't play the game you lose out because a lot of other men do...so yeah.

[–]defo181 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I have gotten it from all women that's why I'm not a feminist anymore because God meant too many women who do enjoy drama and attention from men and power for men and you are talking to a man who has been abused by a woman before and yes she was a white woman who thought that all black men were supposed to be super sexual and aggressive and she obviously had some super racist fetish for us.

Most of the women who have grabbed up on me and twerk up on me all white women who have made very sexual comments but there have been other women who have as well.

My point is is that a lot of women like to think they're feminists but what they actually are doing is playing Into The Stereotype even more of the woman who wants to be rescued and pursued and impressed but as soon as that doesn't work out they can easily pick and choose to become super feminist and be judgemental to anybody who doesn't fit that

[–]legendaryz071 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]chofferblower1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]chofferblower0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]chofferblower0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]zoemondo0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]defo18[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]legendaryz070 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link