the date is February 14. I walk into class and sit. I see a popular kid named mike. he has a pink gift box, a note, and a bouquet of flowers on his table. I see this and I blast my headphones with loud music as a way to distract myself. my head is starting to rush with blood and I feel lightheaded, so I take the headphones off. I start feeling jealous of him. I try to tell myself "mike having that does not mean you're unworthy or it's a bad day" and I try to repeat this mantra to myself and keep my composure. I breathe deeply and I try to calm down and silence the negative voice in my head. I try not to think about it throughout the day. In my 2nd period, I finish my work and I try to read a book. Nothing feels interesting. Nothing at all. no stimulation. I'm utterly just bored. My bad thoughts are clamoring against the doors to my conscious mind, and I tried so hard to contain them. I go to my next class and I'm bored again. Nothing stimulates me. I check my phone and no messages either. I just sit there and just scroll idly through the internet. I blast machine gun kelly's song "bloody valentine" in my headphones. I go to my chemistry class and I talk to people. Chem is bearable at least. But I feel lonely there too. I start feeling hungry. We do a group project and I get to know a girl. I say "hey I like ur jacket" which I really did like and she said "thank you" I asked where she got it from and she was stammering for an answer and I said "don't remember? it's alright." Then I ask what her socials were and she gave them to me. I'm supposed to be adding her discord right now but I'll explain why I'm not going to discord in just a second. I go to my next class and we have a test. Hard as usual, and my pencils wore out. I go to the bathroom after class and I was late. I missed a small portion of the lesson and when we do classwork I ask for help and the teacher explained but said some negative things that were true. I tell myself "it's a teacher, he's very kind, and wants the best for you." I got those negative thoughts to bay, thankfully. At this point, I'm very very hungry. I was supposed to eat afterward, but then I had a history test that I had to make up. I was hungry. During the test, people were talking, and I was in a room full of seniors. I felt so anxious. I was breathing and I told myself "they aren't looking and scrutinizing you, it's okay they're harmless" but my mind gave in to the negative thoughts. At the same time, flowers were being given out. Our school had this thing where people could buy each other flowers and a student government member could give it to the recipient. There were so many flowers. I know, it's alright if I didn't get any. But why does my mind say "I didn't get any :( " why? Why is my mind like that? I see people in the hallways. Many of them have handfuls of flowers. People are getting so many flowers. I know it's just a fucking flower. But it was just representing the love I didn't get. I start having suicidal thoughts. I know right? Killing yourself because you didn't get a flower? I would've told someone, but the last time I did that I was sent to the ER. I kinda don't see the point of living with all the pain. All of it is just so bad. I feel hopeless. I relapsed on porn yesterday. 5 times. I broke my streak of 43 days. I feel so bad inside. I slept well last night, had a filling breakfast, and meditated. I check my discord and another popular kid, who we'll call sam, is praising his gf for drawing a server icon. He says he loves her and says "I'm giving you mod <3" and I feel jealous. I mean, what the fuck? I am so childish for being jealous of that one small thing. I see sam all over the school and he's a social butterfly and everyone likes him. It breaks my heart to compare myself with a person his age. I am better than that. I should be. But there's no evidence of that. I go to the library and do my homework, my stomach searing with a stomachache. I go home and I watch porn and I take shower and eat a big meal. All I want is admiration love and romance. I want it so bad. But I can't. My mind and my face can't. I don't know what to do. I need to get my life back together. I need to fix my mind.