I don't really fit the bill of "ex red pill", as in, never invested in the community and didn't learn the "teachings", but I still feel the need to vent a bit and clear my thoughts.

Somehow I absorbed these absolute horseshit ideas, probably through listening to Jordan Peterson who's sort of adjacent to red pill, I guess, and accidentally coming in contact with the red pill people. And it has severely negatively impacted just about every single thing in my life. It's really only my fault, since I don't even believe in this shit. I just wasn't paying enough attention to realize what I was doing to myself and people around me. I've been stuck with the ridiculous alpha/beta male narrative in the back of my head which has made me both distrustful/hostile and on the other hand overly sensitive towards others. Distrustful since I don't want to be labeled a beta in others eyes, and too sensitive since I'm a (perhaps excessively) sympathetic person and don't want people to feel weak or think I'm looking down on them.

Because of this I haven't been able to maintain my old friendships, I've fucked my relationship with my family, and had just total, blinding social anxiety which has essentially made me a shut-in. I'm now trying to undo all this shit, which I realize is going to take a while. I think I've just been doing this to find a way to distance myself from people and life's realities, which I guess has worked brilliantly, but I'm more unhappy than I've ever been. And I haven't felt like myself in a long time.