Not every guy can successfully go through dating in romance in an honest and authentic way

Nibbalover5200 · 2021-01-07T18:56:00+00:00

Being authentic isn't black and white. We need to stop telling people to be a 100% open to everyone they meet but also when things backfire our answer shouldn't be build a persona so no one will ever hurt us. Being vulnerable is about being true to yourself regardless of what others say about you. I understand we all have different life experiences that force us to be someone your not. But part of the process is finding a good balance. Getting made fun of hurts but it is not a reflection of your life choices. I feel we make fun of others who are expressive of who they are because deep-down we wish we could be as expressive as them

Alternatively, you could be someone who appeal to everyone but that hurts long term. When you build yourself as someone no one hate, you realize no one likes you either. Your essentially a side character, your no-ones go to guy, your an afterthought to others around you. Your just an average guy. Even in relationships, you can get the dates but no-one wants you long-term.

Lastly, being vulnerable is about finding who to be vulnerable to. Yes be open to the girl you date but don't dump your emotional baggage onto her, she isn't your therapist. Yes share about your manga collection to the new friends you made and if they make fun of you, that's fine stick to talking about sports. Find others to share that stuff with.

ActionCopy · 2021-01-10T10:12:11+00:00

Well it’s a game and you have to play it to be successful weather it’s dating or even landing a job but you don’t have to play it if you do not want to. Everyone is vulnerable to something but I think the first step is owning that your vulnerabilities and then learning to choose when to be vulnerable and who you should be vulnerable with.

And as far as authenticity, it’s a very weird subject, I believe you should always be authentic but that can mean a lot of things because your “authentic self” from 10 years ago probably isn’t your authentic self now.

And the reason why your “authentic self” doesn’t work is probably because it isn’t a good display of character which could stem from things like immaturity, lack of self awareness etc

The nerd for example,doesn’t get bullied because he like unpopular things (I think we all have passions and quirks people think are unpopular) but it’s because he doesn’t display good social skills/qualities like extreme introversion, lack of assertive communication etc. In fact it will probably be his confidence and belief in his outspoken unpopular opinion that will make him liked or attractive by people.

But I may be wrong, there really isn’t a yes/no answer to this but yeah you should try to be authentic and not give a fuck about it (which could make you insanely charismatic) but place your insecurities well(with family and close friends) why expect people to like when you show them reasons why they should dislike you, people already have their own shit to deal with and frankly no one cares about yours (unless they try to take advantage of it) so display a more positive aspect of your personality to people (I would call that authentic) without the negative part (unless they ask then tell them if your comfortable with it)

ActionCopy · 2021-01-10T10:58:29+00:00

On a note of emotional vulnerability.

This is why stoicism is important (not the cultural definition), philosophically stoicism is not trying to worry about the external things that you can’t control and control you attitude towards it.

In my opinion, crying can be healthy but it is a sign that you do not have control over your emotions and easily over whelmed by them

Okay let me give an example:

A man with a wife and children of two comes back to his house completely destroyed by a fire. Of course, he rushes over to make sure his wife and kids are safe but his properties are completely destroyed and he is completely devastated so, he takes his family to his parents house to stay temporarily. The next week after he calls his insurance, he starts applying for another job, he start praying with family after work. He gets another job and busts his ass off for half a year and with a little help from his family, he gets a new apartment.

Notice how he handles this devastating event. Even though he is frustrated and possibly overwhelmed, he doesn’t dwell on it, he reinforces safety to his family by praying together. He understands that rather than grieve and lose his shit or start terrorizing his family with who started the fire. He takes one on the chin and keeps it moving because as provider and protector he has a duty to provide a safe space for his wife and kid and protect them from the stress he is going through, he probably gets his motivation from getting them out of this situation.

You are a human, you have emotions and they need to be express in a healthy manner how ever you are a man and women(most of them) will see you as a symbol of strength and reliability; a protector that allow them freedom to safely express their femininity. So of course those women are going to breakup with men who have shown that they are incapable of handling the shit life throws them because believe it or not,stoicism is an attractive quality to women (which should tell you a lot)

My advice for this is to accept, understand and move past your insecurities and form a healthy relationship with yourself and be emotionally independent. Meditate on yourself

Practice stoicism(remember the philosophy), understand that life will throw shit your way, it all comes down to how you respond and your attitude towards it and get help if you truly need. Like instead of crying it could be chance to ask for your girlfriends help or an opportunity to create an emotional bond if she has the same problems.

Find people who you can be vulnerable with, Family, and long time friends are safe. 2+ year wife is also safe

Create healthy and productive forms of emotional release Anger- Punch a heavy bag/Workout Sad- Writing/Drawing/Music Grief- Cry/Punch a heavy bag

silberfuechsin · 2021-01-10T13:14:09+00:00

So, a couple thoughts to bring into this, since you said you grew up in the hood (I'm going to assume the US, so correct me if I'm wrong):

Systemic racism and economic problems, as well as the intergenerational traumatic effects of slavery, mean that damn near everyone you grew up around was suffering from emotional (and often physical) trauma to a greater or lesser degree. They, and probably you, almost all learned that to be vulnerable is to be hurt, and to survive, they had to have a tough skin, which essentially translates into suppressing their own emotions. As a culture or community, being subject to constant external negative pressures under the threat of violence or death, there becomes a self-reinforcing value of acting "strong".

As a person who grew up white and middle class, I'm definitely not able to speak to this from a position of authority, but I have seen some commentary on it from black activists working in anti-racist causes. This essay might be a good place to start:

Let them Cry: Toxic Masculinity and Black Male Vulnerability

Title	Not every guy can successfully go through dating in romance in an honest and authentic way
Author	defo18
Upvotes	7
Comments	15
Date	January 7, 2021 1:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/kscusr/not_every_guy_can_successfully_go_through_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/not-every-guy-can-successfully-go-through-dating.358312 https://theredarchive.com/post/358312

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