What is self love

_overture · 2019-05-12T15:10:46+00:00

In my experience, loving yourself goes hand in hand with knowing yourself. When we don't love a part of ourselves we deny it rather than embrace and accept it. So the first step to loving yourself is generally being aware of what your true thoughts and feelings are. This is best done in isolation because social pressure can lead us to think we want certain things that our true selves actually have no interest in.

I'm unsure how to teach the skill of self-awareness though. All I know is that it takes time to develop. Perhaps someone else could explain this further.

Exis007 · 2019-05-12T15:13:48+00:00

I don't think you're disposable. I think your feelings matter.

Self-love isn't narcissism. That's unhealthy self-love and sort of what you're describing when you imagine the concept. If you think about the people in your life, they are not The Best At Everything. That's an unreasonable bar for anyone to set. They also aren't without faults. Some of those will be small faults like never remembering to close the cabinet doors. Some of those will be big faults. Maybe they are chronically impatient or really struggle with empathy. Even people with really fucked up things inside them are deserving of love. And despite not being the best and sometimes having a range of issues, you can love other people in your life very easily because on the whole, when you add up the composite of who they are for you, you find that composite lovable.

Self love is different than that though. It can be both an active and a passive practice. The passive side is closer to what you're talking about. That's just generally good self esteem. Its a state of liking who you are, how you treat people, what you do in the world, and being generally proud of yourself. That's not to say you can't occasionally get down on yourself. You can and will say shithead things and do shithead things and its okay to call yourself out on your own less-than-stellar behavior. But people with great self-esteem generally are able to see those as isolated, teachable moments and recover from them and bounce back. This passive state of having a realistic-but-generally-positive self image is usually what people talk about when they talk about loving yourself.

Here's the problem though....we don't really have a lot of concrete advice for getting to that state. People say it like it's just a choice you can make one day. Whoops! I just realized I don't love myself. Better sign up down at the post office....good job me! It doesn't generally work like that.

Typically, the way there is through active self-love. That's a discipline, a practice, an effort-based metric. Just like you can think about getting better at basketball all day but never really improve unless you take a couple of shots at the basket, you can think about being nicer to yourself but never really get there unless you're willing to show up and do the work. Active self-love is a disciplined practice of caring for yourself regardless of whether your opinion of yourself is very high right now. Even if you feel like shit, you're going to eat right because that's what you need to do to care for yourself. Even if you're really mad at yourself, you're going to get some exercise. You practice talking to yourself nicely, making yourself say and think and do nice things for and about yourself. You try to be your own superego....you might try to let up on the constant criticism. You might try to force yourself to meet people and take up hobbies and activities that better your life. Its a decision to do the things you need to do every day to try to care for your mental and physical well-being.

And its impossibly hard. I'm level-set as someone with pretty high self-esteem. I was largely born in that place. I generally like myself. I can do the passive part easily without a lot of effort. I still have to work every day to do active self-love, to be kind to myself, to not obsess about mistakes, to care for my body. It's exhausting. And I'm starting from a place of advantage that I'm not in a really shitty head space. I know, however, that the effort pays dividends. When I put in the work, I get stressed less easily. I am a better friend and a better romantic partner. I am nicer to be around and I feel much better and more able to weather challenges and setbacks. I know it works because I can very noticeably detect the changes between times I've put in the work and times I haven't. But even knowing that, its a struggle.

That's my experience of the situation. Hopefully other people will chime in and explain their relationship to it because I think it can be really individual and particular.

Angyem · 2019-05-12T15:17:37+00:00

I always interpreted "love yourself" as "be kind to yourself" or "be patient with yourself", not "be in love with yourself"

Being kind or patient with yourself, would mean that when you're feeling down or upset, you wouldn't think to yourself "stop being such a p*ssy", but rather you would give yourself space and time to pick yourself up.

Men are told to suck it up, and hide their emotions, which is constantly proven to be very unhealthy. Being kind to yourself, is also understanding your feelings and validating them.

As you said - the society is quick to judge, and tell you how there are tons of people who are better than you, but we should try to love yourselves despite that.

wateryoudoinglmao · 2019-05-12T15:22:12+00:00

Your feelings do matter. Don't let people tell you that your feelings don't matter.

"You've made this day a special day, by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are." - Mr. Rogers

Ogmmar · 2019-05-12T16:06:16+00:00

Hey man,

So the first step is to ask the question, like you are now. I'm proud of you for asking, for wanting to know. Unfortunately, you're probably not going to find your answer on reddit, but I hope that I can help point you in the right direction.

You say that you're disposable and it's only natural that society pulls you down. I'm not going to fight you on those, but the next time someone tries to make you feel inadequate I want you to ask yourself if this is a person you'd take advice from. If not, why does their opinion have value?

Self love is a skill. Like any other it takes practice. By nature or nurture some people seem to be more naturally inclined to it than others, but just because it appears to come more easily to others doesn't mean it isn't worth pursuing. Let me give you an example. Despite a palpable fear of heights/falling I recently fell in love with rock climbing. I'll never be a world class athlete (I'll never even be as good as my roommate for that matter) and I sometimes get frustrated when struggling with a route, but my goal isn't to be the best climber in the world, my goal is to enjoy spending my time on an activity I enjoy. I might not see much improvement week to week, but I'm a MUCH better climber than I was a year ago. That's what self love is to me. Putting effort in, every day, to being my best self.

I don't always get it right, and sometimes I stumble, but to paraphrase Pixar's writers we admire someone more for trying than succeeding. This is the mantra I try to apply to everything I do in life. I try to work hard at my job, even the parts I dislike. I try to cook fresh food and drink water most of the time because I feel better if I do in the long run. I even like brocoli! Now that I know how to cook it (baked broccoli florets, drizzle of olive oil and salt 400F till a little crispy 20-25 mins). I do laundry and make my bed because climbing into a made bed feels amazing at night.

I'm not saying that these are the specific things you need to do, but try writing down a list of things that bring you satisfaction as well as a list of things that drain you/take more than they give. Don't beat yourself up if words don't come easily. Try going for a walk, maybe put headphones in and let your mind wander. Once you have your lists, think about/write down why each thing has value to you. Why do some things bring you happiness and why do some not? Try to come up with real, tangible answers. Like if you're unhappy in your own home, why? This feeling is a symptom, not the problem. Is it too dark? Does it not feel like your space? Is it dirty? These are all things which can be resolved.

If you are curious about self love and want to give it a real shot, it's going to be like exercising a muscle you've never exercised before. It'll be difficult at first, you might not feel like you're making progress, but to quote Bojack Horseman's writers, everyday it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part. Living your best life and being your best self isn't an end goal, it's a process.

Shifting how you see yourself, how you see the world, it's not easy. But nothing worthwhile has ever been easy. As a former misanthrope I hope my words and perspective have some value to you. Good luck, however you choose to live.

palacesofparagraphs · 2019-05-12T16:26:36+00:00

From my own observations in my own life experience, loving yourself is next to Impossible. You can tell yourself how good you are or nice or pretty or handsome you are all you want but there are always going to be people who are better than you at something

You don't need to be the best at everything--or even anything--to be valuable or worthy of love. Think about the people in your life that you care about. Why do you care about them? What do you like about them? Your friend is a really good listener; are they the best listener in the world? Does it matter that they're not? Does the existence of a better listener mean their support means any less to you?

I find it more and more noticeable that Society will be quick to tell you about all the things you do not have.

This is true, and this is why it's important to love yourself, and to surround yourself with people who love and support you too.

I'm a man that means I'm disposable by default. All my feelings and joys and Sorrows don't matter anyway so why do people love throwing around you need to love yourself?

Why do you think this? No human being is disposable. Your feelings and emotions matter simply because you are experiencing them, and your own experience is worth something.

I think it's natural to hate oneself because only you know the darkest parts of you and the things that are flawed and yes you can work on flaws but as I get older as I get over one flaw I find another one and another and another. When does it end? When can you just be and love yourself?

Loving yourself doesn't mean not having flaws. Do you know anyone with no flaws? Again, think of someone you love. Are they perfect? Of course not. Can you think of a flaw or fault they have? Why do you love them if they have that fault?

Loving yourself means accepting that you are not and will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean you're not great. You work on your flaws. You accept there will always be some. You focus on the things you do well and do your best to be a good person. That's all you can do, and that is worthy of love.

mjeleon · 2019-05-13T21:21:35+00:00

(in two parts, because apparently this is too long and I made Reddit angry)

I'm speaking from the perspective of a woman (27), so YMMV-

I DEEPLY struggled with this for a very, very long time (and still do, to a degree, though things have gotten much better). In my case, I attached all my ideas of value and self-worth to the service I could provide for others. I felt like I needed to prove I was worth something by helping others, listening to their problems and secrets, doing them favors, constantly showing up to simply be there for them, etc. I only had value if I was actively doing something for my friends. But that kind of system is flawed and extremely fragile. It meant that anytime I wasn't invited to something I felt like I was worth nothing. Like everyone was only pretending to like me, and that I truly had no value at all.

These thoughts and behaviors followed me all throughout college. I was honestly in a really toxic mindset, where I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone, least of all myself. I didn't have any real romantic relationships either, so I thought of myself as unattractive, unfunny, uninteresting- I felt the imposter syndrome in class, feeling like I was just faking my way though everything, and that I had no talent or skills. It was a very dark time for me.

Since then I've become a much healthier person, but- and this may be obvious, but I still think it's worth pointing out- that change didn't happen overnight. There are A LOT of things that contributed to my rebuilding of my self-esteem, and learning to self-love. I didn't just flip a switch. But there are some behaviors that, over time, were extremely helpful for me:

1) Setting boundaries.

I realized that when I overextend myself with my friends I just end up hurting myself. There's nothing wrong about acknowledging my limitations, and setting clear boundaries. For example, I had a friend who repeatedly stood me up every time we wanted to hang out. I decided that I was not willing to put up with that, and from that point on stopped planning meet ups with him. If he had a desire to join the friend group when we were already doing something then he was welcome to do so, but I refused to continue wasting my time and energy. In general, it feels very empowering to be able to accept my limitations and say no.

2) Becoming more comfortable in my body.

The summer after college I was still figuring out what I wanted to do next, so I spent the summer at my parents' home. That summer I had a lot of free time, and I spent a big chunk of it working on myself- not to attain any sort of ideal "look", but simply to be more active and to eat healthier. I started going on walks and doing yoga almost every day. On the walks I could feel myself growing stronger over time- slopes and rough terrain became easier to navigate, and sometimes I would alternate the walking with jogging. The yoga made me much more aware of all the different parts of my body that I don't think about, but instead of focusing on how those body parts looked, I was focused on what they could do. Again, the longer I did it, the better I could hold the poses. Additionally a lot of the videos I followed had segments that focused on gratitude and self-reflection. It may be cliché, but it brought me a lot of peace.

3) Spending more time alone.

a) Working on projects that take effort, but make me proud when they are complete. For example, doing chores around the house (cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc), trying out a new recipe, working on a scrapbook, working on a writing project, etc.

b) Doing things that I enjoy, such as reading a book or taking a bubble bath to relax.

Both have helped me enjoy my own company much more over time, and as such I appreciate myself more. Honestly this is probable one of the most important ones, because (like /u/_overture said), societal pressure has a huge impact on our self-esteem and self-worth. It is hard to stop comparing yourself to others and thinking about your failures in relation to others when society and the media are actively helping to tear you down. Like you said "Society will be quick to tell you about all the things you do not have." But just because someone is better than you at one thing doesn't mean you have no value. First of all, a penny may seem small compared to a $100 dollar bill, but it's still worth something, and there are plenty of people who will stop to pick one up off the ground. Add to that the fact that value is not objective (my mom is absolutely priceless to me-, but some random person in Russia would probably disagree on how much she's worth), AND that value isn't measured by one metric (are you really smart? Funny? Caring? A talented cook? Really good at video games? Really good at one specific video game? More of a jack of all trades? etc etc etc). When you remove all the comparisons and only look at yourself, you can get a better understanding and appreciation of what you're worth. And once you build a solid foundation off of that, it becomes easier to ignore all the societal BS.

4) Acknowledging my accomplishments, however small.

Like a resume, but more detailed, something I keep in my head and reflect upon when I'm feeling down. I think about tasks I have completed and skills I have acquired, and I take pride in them. I try not to be obnoxious, but if I'm really pleased with something I've done, I'm not afraid to brag about it.

5) Nurture healthy friendships.

I've had a lot of toxic people in my life, and a lot of TRULY AMAZING people (and a plethora of others in between). I do not rely on them for my self-worth, but they act as a sounding board when I need to talk things out, and help give me perspective.

demalteb · 2019-05-13T06:53:07+00:00

Baby don't hurt me!

TheHeroNoOneAskedFor · 2019-05-13T09:56:59+00:00

Self love isn’t love in the romantic sense. It’s more of just an appreciation and respect for the one person you know better than anyone else.

All my feelings and joys and Sorrows don’t matter anyway so why do people love throwing around you need to love yourself?

Because they absolutely do matter for you. The way you view yourself is going to color every experience you have. Full stop.

I think it’s natural to hate oneself because only you know the darkest parts of you and the things that are flawed and yes you can work on flaws but as I get older as I get over one flaw I find another one and another and another

I love the Pokémon games. I’ve been playing them for over a decade and I still enjoy them. But I could talk for hours about all the flaws in the games as a whole as well as for individual installments. But I don’t hate them. Far from it.

Everyone is self-critical to some extent. I am a giant tangle of flaws and neurosis, but I don’t hate myself. Learning to accept the flaws in yourself is important to keep going

Title	What is self love
Author	defo18
Upvotes	10
Comments	13
Date	May 12, 2019 2:46 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/bnppa5/what_is_self_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/what-is-self-love.299763 https://theredarchive.com/post/299763

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