I read the book "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page while recovering from a heartbreak a few months back. I think many aspects of the book will resonate with those who are focusing on becoming happy in your own life without a partner.

A few of the key passages and concepts for me:

  • Identify your "gift zone." This is what happens "Whenever you feel the warmth of your humanity and hold it with a sense of compassion or care." It feels like being happy, at peace, feeling moved or emotionally touched, feeling longing or love, or any other strong, deep feeling. Whatever you are doing when you feel this way, Page recommends that you stop and sit in the emotion. (For me, one of the times I feel in my gift zone when I am cuddling with a relaxed pet.). Page says we should try to live our lives so that we are in the gift zone as much as possible. "When you live in your gift zone, you will shine. Many people won't notice -- and they don't have to. The people who have been hungry for a person like you will feel thankful that they have finally found you."
  • Identify your "core gifts." Core gifts are our places of deepest sensitivity, where we feel most intensely and care most deeply. Instead of seeing these things as a weakness ("I never know when to end a relationship") try reframing them to identify the positive ("I am fiercely loyal to those I love.").
  • Once you know your core gifts, it is vitally important that you do not allow yourself to be in a relationship with anyone who does not also respect and protect those core gifts. For example, if you know you are a loyal person, do not allow yourself to tolerate a partner who is not loyal, belittles your loyalty, or takes advantage of your loyalty. Respect the value of your core gift and you'll have no patience for people who do not. "The places where we feel most broken often don't need to be fixed. What they need is to be heard."
  • Know the difference between "attractions of deprivation" and "attractions of inspiration." An attraction of deprivation feels compelling because you don't feel good enough, you feel the need to prove yourself, and you are stuck in a cycle of intermittent rewards -- you never know when your partner is going to give you the affection/attention/whatever you deserve. Attractions of inspiration, on the other hand, feel steady and create a sense of well-being in us. "Attractions of inspiration have a warmth and easiness. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept and return our partner's caring, not to win that caring." (Here's a great article about attractions of deprivation: https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/
  • Pay attention to your "guiding insights" - messages from your deepest self that come to you unexpectedly in moments of clarity. Page describes these as that stroke of inspiration or realization that feel true deep in your soul. Whatever they are, he says, follow them. Essentially, don't wait until you have a partner before honoring your deepest wishes.

I really loved this book. So many relationship books focus on figuring out what your problems are, and this book is much more focused on realizing how to honor your strengths and let them lead you down a true path. He does talk about how that path can eventually lead to romantic love, but the overall message is to love yourself so hard that you won't allow anyone in your life who doesn't honor and elevate you.