Even if the man you find truly is HV, even if you are married, you need to keep your standards high. This isn’t about continually vetting - we know that is an ongoing process - but about demanding the treatment you deserve, even when the guy is really well-intentioned.

I thought about this recently because of an interaction I had. My BF has shown a lot of signs of being HVM and is a really kind person. I had a bad day and had been looking forward to doing a couple things. However, I felt like he handled my bad day poorly. This was a miscommunication, and I don’t think it reflects on his character. But a friend invited us both for an activity in a spur-of-the-moment way and I felt obligated when I really didn’t feel like it after a crappy day. He was aware of the trouble I had and I felt like he was prioritizing going along to get along with the group plans.

Again, not a huge deal in the scheme of things, but it was an annoyance. I made sure he knew I was displeased with attending and didn’t really want to spend the night together as a result. This wasn’t a punishment, I just wanted to be clear about how I felt and my expectations for our time together.

Sure enough, the next morning he came by and surprised me with bagels from my favorite shop and wanted to talk about what he could do to make me feel better. I thought this gesture was meaningful in how it seemed like I got through to him.

In my pickme days, even in non-romantic relationships, I couldn’t have imagined myself asserting my standards that clearly to a man. Like so many women, I was socialized to be “nice” at all costs.

And if I would have done that, he never would have come to the realization of the next morning.

You have to continually assert what you are worth. Don’t settle for less or swallow how you feel - it’s devaluing yourself, which in turn will allow a partner to devalue you. Standards don’t end at any comfort point in a relationship.