I just read this story by Rolling Stone (fwiw I get a paywall to the article on the computer but not on my phone) and I am so unspeakably appalled by so much content in the article I feel like I had to bring it here for discussion. Fair warning that this is kind of a rant. I honestly don't know how to capture every red flag or bad decision in a single post, much less a single title sentence.

For those who can't or don't care to read the article, it basically goes like this: 25 yo woman in the Army attends charity event at a well known skanky bar in the military town outside where she's stationed. Men alleged to be/have been in the most elite unit of already elite special forces are holding the event. The men eventually move the event to an even skankier (and similarly notorious) bar, where one of the most prominent men in the group gropes her, which she writes off as "being a girl at a bar." They then move to a third location, which turns out to be a literal grimey af warehouse. In the section of the article describing the warehouse and its attendees, the woman notes that there are six women present including herself and her friend--she "derisively" describes the remaining four women who have followed these allegedly elite men they don't actually know and aren't being charmed by to a literal fucking warehouse as "groupies" with no sense of irony or self awareness. The woman alleges to have been raped at this location by the accused, who was the one who previously groped her. She reports the event and the investigation and "trial" that follow are predictably a shit show that's ultimately swept under the rug as the military is wont to do--this is the part of the story that I'm personally least interested in discussing so if you are interested in a case study in how the military prosecutes rape accusations against soldiers (and elite ones, in particular), read the article and discuss as you see fit.

Now. I lived about an hour away from the town where all this takes place for many years, and over those years dated a few men stationed there thanks to the hellhole that is OLD. As both JSOC and I screen candidates for higher than average intelligence, nearly all of the military men I bothered dating ended up being Special Forces. Unlike the women in this story and in spite of the general inadvisability of dating men in the military, I actually had a mostly good/great experience with these men. On the contrary, not a single one of them ever suggested taking me to the bars mentioned in the article and instead gladly wined and dined me at the finest restaurants in the state and would drive hours to see me and to take me to events around the state I was interested in with no opportunity for or expectation of sex. And speaking of sex: they were almost all (with the exception of one) entirely patient and not pushy or entitled--even more so than men in any of the other career fields I encountered regularly (doctors, lawyers, engineers, software) and that's in spite of the fact that they were more attractive on average and violent for work. I theorize this is because most of the men I selected from this group were somehow able to more successfully separate their work from their pleasure; they didn't want to replicate any of the macho violent bullshit they did for work and viewed romantic connection as a welcome escape from that aspect of their lives. Additionally, they were comfortably confident in themselves, and the fact that they could easily obtain casual sex elsewhere if they wanted to seemed to make pursuing a more meaningful connection over the long term more interesting and satisfying.

What's especially fascinating about all this is that I had that experience during what I consider one of the worst times in my life, where I had cripplingly low self worth and accepted relatively little from others after having been cheated on in a horrendously hurtful way in a previous ltr. One major difference between our approaches to these men was that I didn't actually give a shit what they did for work or how "elite" it was--I was only looking for ultra basic raw attributes like intellect, being a good texter, physical attraction and like...being employed. Like I said, my standards back then were NOT ACTUALLY VERY HIGH and yet our experiences were vastly different because of what we looked for and expected. This woman was totally preoccupied by these dudes' "elite" title/associations and ignored everything else about them in spite of mounting evidence that they weren't shit all the way up to the point she was being raped next to a porta potty at a warehouse. Just...don't. And if you find yourself surrounded by women you don't approve of and think have lower standards than you, immediately ask yourself how the fuck you willfully ended up in the same place and extricate yourself as quickly as possible. Do not be a pick-me and do not associate with pick-mes because their proximity can literally only hurt you and it will hurt.

Which reminds me to circle back on the idea that being groped is just something that happens to women at bars: I've been groped in a bar twice--the most recent was by a houseless person who followed me in and put his hand between my legs from behind as I pushed open the heavy entrance door. When the bartenders understood what happened about a minute later (I turned around and yelled at him in a way that "made a scene" to everyone in the bar) they kicked him out with gusto and zero interest in his protestations that he'd done nothing--no time was spent dismissing it as "he said, she said" or anything of that nature. He was practically hoisted out by all three bartenders on staff and two other bartenders who were customers that night. Forget whether "meeting someone in a bar" is a good idea or whether a bar is a suitable date location when standards are this low. Getting groped is NOT a normal bar experience you shouldn't make a big deal over. If someone gropes you at a bar, they're a predator and you should avoid them at all costs and otherwise name and shame the fuck out of them; if a bar doesn't respond with force, they consider predators and their targets their market and you should NEVER step foot on their premises much less give them your business.

I mean, fuck. There's almost too much to take to task. This woman's standards were buried underground they were so low and you know what--she got treated like it by men who were looking for exactly that quality. And look--I hate what happened to her and I'm sorry it happened. I'd never wish it on anyone...which is exactly why I want to scream DONT LET THIS BE YOU. Have some self respect in every conceivable capacity. What FDS lessons stand out to you??