So I very recently broke things off with a guy I was in a non-committed/non-exclusive "relationship" with. And let me tell you, if I had found this sub months ago I would have realized I was making every mistake in the book.

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We're both 21, he had just come out of a long-term relationship, so I understood his hesitation in not wanting to jump into another one. We're both finishing up college, so we're fairly busy people. The first time we met up was at his house for a hook-up, because I was feeling super horny. The sex was great, and he pushed to keep seeing me. We went on dates, hung out, had great sex, etc for about a month before summer break where I left the state for an internship. I realized that I was starting to catch feelings for this guy, but he was adamant on not being ready (and clearly not over his ex) so I swallowed my feelings and built a wall around them.

I dated some people during the summer (not using female dating strategy), and so did he. I had a few average experiences, 2 terrible ones, and 1 great one. From the sounds of it, he had mostly bad experiences. We texted every day. He told me he missed me, that I was all he could think about, that he talked about me all the time, etc, etc. His friends teased him for talking about me, and he would often get jealous if I said I was going out with someone else. In retrospect, this is probably the time when I was inadvertently following a lot of the strategies laid out here: keeping my distance, keeping my options open, being emotionally unavailable. And it was working like a charm. He confessed that he had feelings for me too.

I came back to college. We talked about our situation, he expressed that he still wasn't ready for a relationship. I said that was fine. But my schedule got incredibly packed and the thought of making time for other men when I barely had time for myself was anxiety-inducing, so I didn't bother redownloading any of my apps. We start acting more relationship-y: he picked me up from the airport, helps me move in, says "I love you" but only during sex, saying he feels like we're in an open relationship without the label...basically, a lot of shit that only a "boyfriend" would do. I start to think that maybe he feels more for me than he's letting on and that he's only forcing himself to date other people because that's what he thinks he's expected to do (he always told me sex with me was better, hanging out with me was better), so I let my guard down and pretty much go full girlfriend mode. I don't mind the thought of him sleeping with other people or going out on random dates because I know that I'm the option he prefers.

This is where shit went sour. We had a conversation at one point where he expressed how much he missed his ex. The way he talked about her and what happened made me realize that he didn't feel what I thought he felt for me. I was completely shocked and heartbroken, like I'd been dunked in cold water. I told him I need some time to think and set up boundaries again. We have a few discussions and meet-ups over a 2-week period but barely saw each other. I decide I can keep seeing him, but I'll make an effort to see other people, and I ask that he stop treating me like his girlfriend when he doesn't see me that way.

Things worked for a week, and then shit hit the fan again. I found out he was also dating another girl. Not just hooking up with or going on meaningless dates with, but actually dating. Like the way we were dating. This made me feel sick: to think that he was saying and doing the same things with her that he would do with me. The more I thought about it the less okay with it I was. I'm not okay with being treated like Option #2. I'm not okay with not being a priority in someone's life.

I explained this to him in our 'break-up' chat and he was understanding. He was sad, but he said he understood, and he apologized for hurting me. He said he was reaching for threads to salvage 'us', but he couldn't think of anything that would truly solve the problem besides getting in a relationship, and he didn't want that. A part of me was/is upset that he didn't fight to keep me, that he didn't try to stop seeing the other girl, that he couldn't even consider a relationship. In a way, that helps give me more closure. If he didn't see it as worth his time to put other things on hold to have me, then I'm sure as hell going to stop putting things on hold to have him.

I have a date tonight and I'm changing my whole strategy: let HIM pay for everything, WAIT to have sex, let HIM reach out first and ask for dates, and most importantly: STAY IN THE DATING POOL.

I feel a little sad, because this person is a genuinely good guy (if a little immature) and a part of me believes that if we'd met at some other point in life things might have worked out differently. But it doesn't matter. If I run into him again years later and he proves that he's ready to treat me like I fucking deserve, then I'll reconsider. But until then I am DONE bending over backwards and making myself unhappy for ANY GODDAMN MAN.