I have been lurking this sub for a year, using it to level up whilst trying to find a partner that matched my values using the FDS vetting system.

For the past 9 months I have been in a relationship with a man who is 9 years my senior (I am 29). I had read the handbook re: older men and was initially concerned by this age gap so am still on guard about this, but he is not demonstrating any of the older man red flags (is at an age appropriate level for his career, takes care of himself, looks younger than me!).

We have had a wonderful time together, he is constantly spoiling me, treating me, planning fun trips and preparing food for me to take back to mine as I am a terrible cook. We have fun, had some great vacations and are beginning to make plans for the future re: marriage, children, first home together. I am absolutely besotted with him. I have maintained my standards and he has risen to them and has never asked for anything in return. I never once told him what I wanted/gave him a cheat sheet- he was just a HV (I think) gentleman who ticked all of the FDS boxes.

However- something that is really concerning me is that he definitely had a ‘forever girlfriend’. I find it really upsetting to think about.

They were together for 6 years and only lived together for the final year when they broke up. I investigated her as part of my vetting process (wanted to make sure that they didn’t split up because of abusive or controlling behaviour that she may have spoke about online) and found that she was his age, with definite pick me tendencies that were clear from her social media. Wifey stuff, daily Duolingo of his notoriously difficult home language and lots of ‘cooking for my man’ posts. The break up timeline that he gave was completely honest based on her posts.

I can hand on my heart say that I have seen zero red flags so far, and it is not love clouding it. I am protecting myself 💯 and always alert- but this has just left a really bad taste in my mouth. This woman was clearly strung along for what? Convenience? I don’t know. He said they both travelled a lot so didn’t spend a massive amount of time together and broke up once they moved in together as they realised their routines and day-day were incompatible.

I don’t really know what do with these feelings. Can potential HVM have FGs in the closet? It certainly doesn’t seem HV to me. Thoughts appreciated.

EDIT: just addressing a few questions as I get ready for work.

  • He has initiated everything: exclusivity, ‘labels’, planning trips, introduction to friends, was very upfront about how he wants marriage/children, when I responded positively, he said how he wants that with me. I haven’t brought any of that up myself.

  • he has paid for a year of my postgrad tuition up front so I can save money, so I don’t think he is future faking.

  • building on from this, he has said up until he was 35 (3 yrs ago) he didn’t want kids, and that changed when he his brother (who is a lot younger) had his son. Perhaps why he let this drag out?

  • yep this wasn’t when he was 22, this was 6 months before we started dating.

  • the incompatible timetables/routines doesn’t sound like a nonsense reason: they were both in the same industry, but his role required mostly staying put and hers was A LOT of travel. When he would need to go overseas, she would often be at home. Conflicting schedules basically. Her linkdin corroborates this and I have obviously seen his routine myself which is very based in our city with occ. travel). He said they would go out/stay together around once or twice a week when she got in and he would try and travel with her, but they couldn’t have a ‘normal life’.

  • he initiated break up