So I am locked down in quarantine at the moment with my two flatmates. We are living in a high risk region and are not allowed to leave the house. We are doing okay but it is emotionally tense. Yesterday we decided to have a little "party", making tacos and drinking wine. Well, one thing lead to another and we ended up drinking whiskey cola which lead my to text my low-value ex, asking him if he is okay during this time. I was notorious for texting people when I had too many drinks. Alcohol makes me super honest and emotional. It happens very rarely these days that I party too hard and I was very surprised about myself that I still got so emotional, texted and had a lack of impulse control. I actually thought I would be over this behavior but apparently I still have a lot of work to do.

Anyway, he didn't even bother to read my message yet. Maybe he hasn't seen it but probably he has. I am pretty sure he will respond at some point with a lame ass answer but it doesn't matter anymore because a realisation hit my like a brick today while lying in bed with my hangover and orange juice.

This guy just doesn't care enough about me. I knew this already on a mental level but today was the first day I could actually FEEL it in my gut without denial.

He knows I am living in a high risk region. If he would care just a little bit he would have already put his "pride" aside and asked me how I am doing but he didn't. He does not care about me. A man who does wants to make sure you are okay.

I think today was the final straw that broke the camels back. I am not a perfect person but I do deserve better and I am a person who cares.

I am a little scared that he will give me an answer that creates false hopes again and blurres my realization but then I just think about that he couldn't lift a fucking finger to ask me how I am doing and not even bother to respond in a normal timespan.

If he doesn't asks you how your are doing during a pandemic it is because he doesn't care.