My last account of the entrepreneurial LVM seemed helpful to a few of y’all, so here’s another one! When working from home with LVM, I’m sure many of us have come to see a pattern: the polite, decisive man we observe in video calls is completely different from the couch creature we’ve known him to be. Since joining FDS I’ve been keeping an almost anthropological eye on the way men in my office (both remote and in-person) behave towards women to see if I can pick out any giveaways to their real selves. TLDR: yes.

One case study: He started two years ago in middle management, but recently “failed up” into a high-ranking interim role when the former director left. I knew he was in over his head and was prepared to give him lots of grace for it, but I've learned that he is an under-the-radar bumbler — a senior-level employee who knows his stuff, but complains and makes excuses for himself and his direct reports constantly, ignores messages from people who criticize him to the point of sabotaging any related work, and shrugs his shoulders when no one wants to tell him what to do or how to do it. So, basically a lazy teenager with access to the company credit card. (But in his 40’s...)

But in person, he’s the perfect, caring gentleman who always knows the right thing to say. Hm.

How does he still have a job? you might be asking. By taking credit for other people’s work, of course! But without DMs and meeting notes, you wouldn't know it. I've experienced this with several LVM in middle-management; just like typical male "bumbling" until you're forced to do the dishes, he'll pad your schedule with meetings where he does nothing but complain about every “unreasonable” request, stalling for time until you have no choice but to do his work for him to meet deadline. And if you're not careful, he'll point to the time spent trolling you and claim it as time he spent "working” on the thing you did yourself.

There's also the fascinating realization that these men magically button up and act right when in front of a male superior. Hmmmm.

Now that my rose-tinted glasses are permanently broken I can clearly see what archetype of LVM we are dealing with here: the Peter Pan. Your typical gamer divorcee with zero sense of responsibility, unable to hold himself accountable or apologize for dropping the ball...and actively encouraging his direct reports to stop worrying and embrace the grift as well.

I’ve dated a Peter Pan before but never seen one in the wild, blending seamlessly into corporate culture until you get close enough to notice the cracks. This LVM may be shameless about it, but most are more adept at couching their laziness under corporate jargon that shifts the blame over to — almost invariably — a woman.

There’s the old saying, “Behind every successful man is a woman.” Successful men seem to love talking about their jobs. The next time you’re on a date with this type of guy, ask him about his coworkers. Do you have any direct reports? How many women are in your office? Try to make him tell you a story about one of them and see if he’s respectful or dives straight into painting her as a nag, harpy, or killjoy. If he does, that’s going to be your future unless you get tf out of there.