Sort of an AITA

sweatydeath · 2019-10-30T17:15:16+00:00

I’m going to be blunt. If he didn’t put a ring on it, then it’s going to be difficult for you to ask for anything. Men usually start changing when they move in with someone without establishing any commitment (a wedding date). You can try to talk to him about it, but the most effective way to do it is by being less available. Idk how you can do that if you’re living in his place though.

Edit: maybe bring up the fact that a friend has a lease that’s expiring soon and needs a roommate? It might light a fire under his butt.

ChristieFox · 2019-10-30T20:26:23+00:00

Ask yourself how committed you are and how committed he is. You moved to another state for him, take him out. And what does he do for you? From what you're saying, it's more that he does the basics for you: Helping you navigate a place you moved to for HIM, cleaning HIS OWN house while you study - oh, and paying for dates (are they even dates?) he gets pushed into because another person asked.

It can be interesting to see how he reacts to you not being satisfied with this relationship but be prepared to think hard about if you want to continue the relationship. It could be that nothing changes, it could be that he will do the bare minimum or he only "changes" for a short time. The rule of thumb in these situations mostly is "If he shows you who he is, trust him". Has he shown you he's the right partner for you? Or has he shown you he does only the minimum for you?

eatapeach18 · 2019-10-30T18:40:57+00:00

Generally, you can’t change a relationship. You need to set the tone from the start. But you can try...

Start by being less available. Instead of studying at home, study at the library or in a local coffee shop. Don’t answer your phone during study time.

Go out with friends and coworkers more often. Go to the gym. Do a yoga or spin class. Go hiking alone. Get your nails done. Go window shopping (or actual shopping lol). Do whatever you need to do to get out of the house and fill your free time with things that make you a better individual.

Stop asking him out on dates. If he’s not asking you out enough, just go out with your friends and leave him home alone. He’ll get the message soon enough and start asking you out again.

Your mistake was moving in with your boyfriend without the promise of marriage or any sort of formal commitment, so if it doesn’t work out, you might just have to cut ties.

sweatydeath · 2019-10-30T16:54:30+00:00

[removed]

siddmartha · 2019-10-30T19:23:33+00:00

I believe you can change existing relationships but only to a certain degree...Setting the tone at the beginning is important. But if you're in a loving trusting relationship, you shouldn't feel like you are pushing him away by asking him for things you want. You should be able to talk about the hard things in a relationship, without the threat of breaking up..If you want more dates to feel more loved and appreciated, ask for it. I don't think you should shy away from saying exactly what you want - And if he doesn't change start doing your own things, stop being so available to him, take your self out on dates and do things you want to do.

And also so what if he's doing the cooking and the cleaning - he lives there too! especially if you're splitting the bills....

Title	Sort of an AITA
Author	Shieldc
Upvotes	2
Comments	9
Date	October 30, 2019 4:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dp9bbc/sort_of_an_aita/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sort-of-an-aita.689150 https://theredarchive.com/post/689150

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