Tell me..

Enough-Introduction · 2020-06-26T08:04:53+00:00

Former Pickmeisha here. As a teenager, I decided „it ends with me“ when I realized that my father was abusive, my grandfather had been, my great-grandfather... well, I still had 3 abusive relationships as a young adult. The last one was bad enough to make me realize that it is not enough to say that you respect yourself, which sounds strong and glorious and people will applaud you - you have to actually make yourself a priority in order to do that, and no one will compliment you on that (apart from HVW friends), because it‘s not comfortable for other people to not get their will.

You have to learn to accept the discomfort that you will encounter when you stand up for yourself. There is no glory in saying „no“, no one will come and clap for you if you deny them something. There is no satisfaction from arguments that the other person leaves disappointed (at least in the beginning), there is a lot of guilt. It‘s tough to feel uncomfortable and still stick to your boundaries, to ignore the little whispers in your mind that tell you you‘re overreacting, you could do xyz it‘s not that bad, you‘re entitled...

For me, that realization was a game changer. Once I dropped my inner expectation of „all interaction has to be comfortable, otherwise I’m doing it wrong“, I finally could create a life that was comfortable, because I could deal with the discomfort of not allowing everyone to enter it.

Howslap · 2020-06-26T08:13:55+00:00

Speaking as a natural born queen who became a pickme for one particular narcisstic man (ugh 😪). I would have to say that the thing that saved me was the fact that I had invested in myself in all ways spiritually, physically, and intellectually waaaay before the narcissric NVM came into my life. I valued my company and myself for 32 years before a NVM came along. So when I forgot myself for the 6 months I was with him I was able to realize that HE was the problem, HE disrupted my equilibrium. And I was able to toss him away to regain MY self worth. This is all to say that NVM can come at any point in your life and cleverly disguise themselves as HVM. We cannot prevent against all fraud with FDS much as we may vet vet and vet some more 😂. But what we CAN do with FDS principles is take such good care of ourselves that we notice when N/LVM are not taking care of us properly. I always used to feel more lonely WITH my ex than I did alone. And because I loved my own company before him (and honestly NEVER felt lonely) I was able to definitively pinpoint that HE was the problem. So take care of yourself by eating right (and indulge from time to time we only live once!). Exercise (its great for mental health!). Maintain good relations with friends and family (so long as they are supportive and non-toxic). Seek therapy if you feel like you may need it (it helps me, every now and again). Hold on to your faith if it is important to you (people tend to report more dissatisfaction in life if they are religious but lapsed in whatever faith they have). Learn new things be it hobbies or traditional education (one of the main causes of personal dissatisfaction is a feeling of being stagnant- so by learning new things you will constantly be growing and building up your confidence). Do all these things and I can GUARANTEE you that even if you somehow fall into pickme hell like I did, you will not stay there for long. And you will bounce back like a champ when you do. 👑

Edit: spelling

sadcello · 2020-06-26T12:29:10+00:00

To all the natural born queens who have always had it together and never settled for LVM, what is the top thing (mantra/ belief/ practice/ etc) that defines the way you see your worth & value?

Knowledge and experiences. I can tell people's character just by talking and asking the right questions in 30 mins or less. Not just shallow or rough assumptions but actually knowing how they think and what they'll do in certain situations by how they think. I can even read someone's past and traumas and my friends have told me I'm more accurate than their therapists.

I can tell fakers and liars, I can spot abusive men, and I always know when someone is genuine. I don't even really need that much self love when I know for sure the opposite sex is mostly selfish, self absorbed and only care about themselves. I know by experience that even at my worst, I'm worth a lot more than these fuckers and that's all I need to know.

always_its_spring · 2020-06-26T11:02:51+00:00

Turn situations around and look at the effort you are putting in and make sure it's being matched or exceeded. You care about someone so you bake them their favorite cookie, or you remember when they see something they like at a store and buy that for Christmas, or you drop your plans if they are having a bad day and could use the company. Or whatever it is you do that makes the people in your life feel special! Any HVM partner will also do those things - not exactly the same, but the effort will be equivalent or better. We've been conditioned to expect so little from men, so I find it helps to turn a situation around and say "would I ever make that excuse? Have I have done something thoughtful this week?" and if you find yourself unmatched in effort, either back off or get out

Sage_Planter · 2020-06-26T12:53:30+00:00

I'm a wealthy single woman in my early thirties with a good career, impressive education, and wonderful group of friends. It's the mix of money, security, and support that empowers me to live my best life as a single woman without falling into pickme territory. Women settle for losers in order to have those things or to have things you can't get without them.

For example, I want to be a mom one day. Because I have financial independence and an incredible support network, I plan on freezing my eggs next year, and I'm open to being a single mom in my late thirties if I don't meet the right man. This is an extremely privileged opportunity that few can afford to consider. Many women who want to be moms pick whatever dude to do it because the clock is ticking.

bossysassycute · 2020-06-26T10:19:35+00:00

What’s helping me now is: - meditation (chakra’s, mindfulness, mantra’s) - therapy and group therapy for self worth - seeing a spiritual teacher - journaling - strong friend group and cutting out toxic friends - self care and taking care of beauty - reddit forums, and books, podcasts etc focused on being a strong woman - giving back to charities - taking a step back every time I feel I’m stepping into the wrong head space and feeling needy or anxious - exercising and feeling stronger so taking boxing lessons, self defense lessons etc - talking to other women who are at that right space

For me it’s the combination of mind, body and soul that’s making the difference but I’m still learning. But these steps have helped me a lot to make an enormous progress and makeover the past two months. ✨ Don’t know if this helps but I hope so!

redemptionbitch · 2020-07-26T06:03:00+00:00

Very helpful! Thank you all!

Title	Tell me..
Author	redemptionbitch
Upvotes	32
Comments	12
Date	June 26, 2020 7:01 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hg2vht/tell_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tell-me.701880 https://theredarchive.com/post/701880

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