The sunk-cost fallacy

CassieGreen85 · 2020-11-14T09:08:52+00:00

Absolutely, I see it among new FDSers not only with LVM, but also their LV friends. Lots of defensive and apologist arguing, especially when it comes to childhood or long time friends.

Even if you have been friends with someone for 20 years, if they don't have the same kind of love and respect for you anymore and there are little hopes they will change their ways towards you... it's time to get them out of your life.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2020-11-14T13:05:03+00:00

Oh man, I have a story on this point. I’m currently in a weird professional passive-aggressive tiff with this woman who has admitted that she has, “a thing with women.”

She has been with her boyfriend for 14 years. And she moved to this town for him, and repeatedly tells people so. But has been careful to point out, repeatedly, that they aren’t married. She relies on him to pay bills, and it seems she has only had a “real job” on and off throughout these 14 years. When she told me at one point how much she had saved up as a woman in her mid 40s, I was worried for her.

It’s clear that she has so much sunk cost because she’s revolved so much of her identity around this gross man. Who, by the way, is divorced and had children with his first wife, but told her he doesn’t believe in marriage.

She treated me as an equal until my age became clear to her and she realized I was quite a bit younger than she would have thought. Now she’s hell-bent on minimizing me.

The internalized misogyny is so strong, I don’t know what to say to her. It’s sad how much her pickme ways led her to leave a megacity for a mid-sized town with no job and for a man who would not marry her, but at any point, she could now flutter away and leave him. But unfortunately, I can see how she’s mega-dependent both personality-wise and financially.

She recently dared to ask me about my BF, “So you’re not going to get married anytime soon?” We’ve been together less than a year. The blatant insecurity is too real.

Before FDS there’s no way I would have been able to put my finger on why she treats me weirdly and what her deal is.

WWisMyCo-pilot · 2020-11-14T17:27:03+00:00

This is really hitting home since we're going into the holidays and it's going to be my 13th Christmas with Barnacle. I'm not big on the holidays but there are a few main things that I loved to do before him.

First, I used to travel for Thanksgiving. Usually internationally. I don't have family so instead of sitting around bored by myself one year I went to Spain. Loved it so much I started doing it every year. Other countries DGAF about Thanksgiving and for most places it's the off season which means less tourists and cheaper prices. I highly recommend it! Barnacle does not like traveling but I didn't really catch on to this because I love planning trips and he would go along and have a good time but after a while I got tired of planning everything all the time. It stopped being fun.

Second, I grew up with fake trees and always wanted to have a real one but mom thought it was too messy. So when I got my own place I always had a real tree. Whether a tiny little potted thing, or something tall as I was I loved having a real tree. The house smelled amazing and the cats really enjoyed drinking the tree water. Mom and I always decorated together. We even had a menorah in the window as a shout out to our Jewish friends. It was one of the few things we could bond over. Barnacle doesn't like real trees and does nothing towards decorating. You would not know it was Christmas in our house if it was left to him. If I want a real tree I have to get it myself which means lugging it on the bus/subway then dragging it up to our third floor apartment. Then I'd have to decorate it. Then do everything in reverse after 3 Kings Day. It's not about the work. Trees aren't that heavy. It's the total disinterest. The lack of teamwork. The only Christmas tradition we do together is wrapping gifts while drinking coquito. I have to make the coquito too or we wouldn't even have that.

So this will be the 13th Christmas, but it will also be the last. The thought of another year with him makes me so sad I want to cry. If he'd just put a little effort into doing stuff together I wouldn't be leaving. If he'd just shown some interest in things that meant something to me I wouldn't be leaving. If he was just proactive instead of needing to be told what to do all the time I wouldn't be leaving. I've only ever begged him to do one thing. Get therapy. He refused. So here we are.

I'm trying to forgive myself for wasting so much time, but it's hard. So many signs that I should have seen. So many excuses made because he's depressed. Shit, I've got mental health problems too and maybe that's why I let him get away with so much.

If you're out there struggling, wondering if it will get better, it won't. After 13 years the only thing I've achieved is getting him to take out the garbage/recycling on the right days and doing the dishes after I cook without reminding.

Catherine Aird said it best: "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.” This is your warning ladies!

Swimmer-Wise · 2020-11-14T08:39:31+00:00

Yes!!!!!! I wish I could time travel and tell myself. If I may add, there’s this sneaky X factor of internalized “omg I’m uglier now that I’m 4 years older!!! I can’t go back on the market now!” That’s just the gremlins talking. I think that self loathing of, gasp, getting older, made the sunk cost fallacy more painful to accept.

GaffaGirl · 2020-11-14T11:58:20+00:00

Thankyou for the reminder

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Title	The sunk-cost fallacy
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	260
Comments	12
Date	November 14, 2020 3:56 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jtvc5v/the_sunkcost_fallacy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-sunk-cost-fallacy.733504 https://theredarchive.com/post/733504

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