I wrote this all at once around one in the morning the other night. It's been a couple years since this all happened, but I'm still getting over it. This is a list of twenty things I should've done in response to things my ex did to me.

TL;DR /// I was a pick-me

  1. I was working on my novel during last hour one afternoon when you first got up to sit next to me. You sat down with this big grin on your face and asked me what I was doing. By the end of the class, I had offered you my Snapchat. The bell rang, and you completely avoided me, quickly heading off in the same direction. I should've told you to fuck off before you even sat down.

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  1. You texted me a couple days later. I remember trying to get you to open up to me, but you said something about how you were so full of rage at everything that you couldn't hardly make it through your day. Should've blocked you then, instead I tried to help you.

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  1. You inevitably sat next to me during last hour again, only this time I was looking at a Christian Dior dress. You immediately started typing something into your search bar, then motioned for me to read it. "I'd love to tear that dress off of you." I should've typed in turn, "and I'd love to tear your head off."

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  1. When I went to Nebraska that weekend and you texted me to call me fragile, I should've blocked you. I ended up talking to you the next three days. On Saturday night, you got so mad at me for trying to call you after you told me you were upset about something. Why the fuck didn't I block you?

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  1. We went to get ice cream on our first date and you didn't even offer to buy me something, so I didn't get anything at all. Should've ghosted you when I got home instead of sitting on the hood of your shitty car while you ate yours...especially since you'd told me that day that I was "in a competition" for your affection with some other girl.

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  1. On our second date, I asked you if we were a thing. It eventually led to you and I joking around about officially asking the other out. I was the one who did the asking. You told me whenever we broke up that you didn't want to ask me out because you weren't sure if you actually wanted to be with me. If that's the case, why did you say yes? I shouldn't have even asked you out to begin with.

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  1. Remember when we sat on the dock in the reservation? Remember that, and how you lead me back to your car and low-key made me give you a blow job? Remember how I started crying, and how I told you what my ex did to me? Remember how you said that you loved me, although you said two weeks before that you'd never utter those words for months? Remember how I'd said I wouldn't have sex with you until you loved me, then how you said you loved me that night? Remember how I didn't believe you? Yeah. I should've stayed that way.

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  1. At the park when you told me you thought you would turn out to be a pedophile, I should've slapped you across the face as hard as I could. I should've kneed you in the dick, and I should've called my dad to pick me up.

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  1. The same day at the park, after you'd said you only liked me because I "look like a loli," told me you "want a girl who'll be [your] soulmate" while insinuating it wasn't me, and after you'd literally pushed me into traffic, I should've broken up with you.

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  1. I should've called for your dad when you kept pressuring me for sex and told him that his son is a perverted piece of shit. Then I should've walked out to my car and drove myself home.

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  1. When you left for Florida and hardly texted me, hell, even hanging up on me one night, I should've ended it. I also shouldn't have pretended to like the Nightmare Before Christmas shit you got me. I fucking hate that movie.

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  1. That night in the back of your car when you told me you had your ex in the same position, I should've dug my long nails into your balls...and I should've spat in your face when you asked for a threesome. Thank God I said no.

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  1. Remember how I asked you before we had sex if you ever had STDs and how you said no? Oh! Remember how you told me afterwards that you had fucking crabs in eighth grade? I should've broken up with you.

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  1. Sex was the only way to get your attention. I should've realized that sooner.

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  1. Some days in school, you'd completely ignore me. You'd even tell me to not sit with you during lunch because your friends "wouldn't like [me.]" Imagine my surprise when I sat next to you after weeks of being ignored, and your friends actually had no problem with me being there. Should've done it sooner, then maybe I'd have realized you just didn't want to be seen with me because the other girl you liked was in the table next to you.

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  1. In class one morning, you motioned downwards for some reason. Me, being clueless, ducked under the table to look. This could've been an absolutely perfect time to announce loudly to our teacher that you'd sexually harassed me by showing me your fully erect penis during school. I bet the principal would've just loved to hear that.

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  1. Speaking of sexual school scenarios, why would you ask me to have sex with you in the janitors closet? I mean, doing it so you could "tell [your] future wife about it" isn't a very valid reason. I should've walked away. Again, thank God I said no.

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  1. That night you were over at my house, you told me while I was crying that you couldn't "see us getting married." Why would you say something like that? I never said anything about getting married, anyway! I should've kicked you out of my house!

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  1. One day you blew smoke in my face. I should've flicked the cigarette out of your hand and reported you for underage smoking.

and for the cherry on top of the cake...

  1. Early on in the beginning of the relationship, you and I went to the park and wrestled on top of that hill. It was fun and all until you started to actually hurt me. You weren't listening to me when I was telling you to stop. You just continued to literally kick me and throw me around. I should've reported you, because God, I had the bruises to prove it.

I was only 16, and you were 17