Hey FDS folks,

I've really resonated with this sub. All across my dating life, I've seen myself as a laid-back person, who enjoys giving, but kept finding my partners would rarely give back, take me for granted, and in some cases, truly betray and hurt me for their personal gain. Part of the problem was I absolutely NO models for what a HV couple looked like, how they operated, within my own family, my friend's families, or even within the media which often portrayed checked-out lazy dads. I'd get trapped with a LVM who still sucked, but was "better" than a previous one who verbally abused me or another who refused to step outside his small box of restricted behaviors to make me happy.

I think it might be fun to provide models of HV couples as a helpful benchmark!

I'll start. I used to live with a HV married couple, who eventually had a baby. Wife was pursuing a higher degree, while husband was supporting her with his job. After the birth of their baby, husband updated his work schedule so he could take care of his daughter during normal business hours, and then he'd hand her off to his wife in the evening. Some folks from back home would make fun of him for taking care of his daughter, were incredulous he even wanted his wife to have a high degree, and would make fun of him. This dude did NOT care. He would say "I am lucky to have a wife so smart, and why wouldn't I want her making more money than me?" He would also say "It's a blessing to take care of my daughter and be so close to her." While at home, I'd constantly find him fixing stuff, cleaning things, and whatnot while the baby was asleep--sometimes he and his wife would secretly fix something for ME! I also never felt weird being around him without his wife. It felt like having my brother in the house; we'd make some small talk, maybe tell one bad joke, and get back to what we were doing.

This dude isn't some buff, macho dude. He's short, always smiling, but absolutely confident as a man. His friends at work tend to be older women who enjoy embarrassing him, while he plays along. They come from a conservative culture, but recognize cultural norms don't always follow their values, and update as necessary. They both view their spousal role as a large responsibility that needs consistent maintenance. They both make big deals out of the other's birthday, they go on dates, I would find them sitting up late together whispering and laughing while their baby was asleep. Both of them always speak of the other with absolutely gratitude and happiness; they travel together constantly. They encourage each other to stay healthy and active when they notice changes. Once her schooling is done, the plan is for her to find a good job and then they will focus on his career goals which won't require as much education.

Being able to witness them has been so helpful in rewiring my own understanding of what an equal partnership looks like. Everyone is voicing their desires. They have disagreements. BUT, they both have the same goals as partners and expect the other to contribute equally to attain those goals. When they agree to a goal, they do it as a couple and prioritize it (i.e. make concrete plans towards how to manage advanced degree & baby constantly and consistently update as needed). They don't agree to a goal to use it as ammo to get what THEY want at a later date. They recognize the other's strengths and enjoy the process. Would love to hear stories of other HV couples!