I felt the need to express some thoughts after finding out that my name, photo, and stories from my personal life were posted on Facebook, next to serial cheaters, criminals, and perpetrators of domestic violence... I've always been a male feminist and believer in gender equality, so the idea that my privacy was a tiny price to pay for women's safety struck a major nerve.

I didn't know where else to share this, and I thought maybe this could resonate with some of you. Thanks for reading, and if you consider men's internet privacy worth protecting, please consider joining r/AWDTSGisToxic

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On Red Flags and Tea

Joe

I have decided to commit ‘social suicide’.

That was the conclusion that I drew, overreacting or not, after I decided to submit a letter to the editor of my local newspaper in response to their article covering ‘AreWeDatingTheSameGuy” facebook groups, offering a (strangely omitted) male perspective.

These are massively popular new phenomena, groups of women who publicly post men’s dating app photos, names, ages, and ‘spill the tea’, which is to say, giving detailed, sometimes intimate stories of what it was like to date the men (all done without consent). The posters are encouraged to do so anonymously, and there are famously hundreds of examples of this leading to horrifically unethical behavior from female posters and commenters.

The noble goal of these groups was to ‘out’ male cheaters, abusers, and bad actors in the dating game, warning women to stay away from men with ‘red flags’. The results are mixed, to say the least, as stories, true or false, are attached to photos of men posted publicly on social media and free to be circulated amongst tens of thousands of people.

Modern day ‘Scarlet Letter’, anyone?

The irony is that I expressed myself, my thoughts, emotions, and perspectives, as an openly straight, cis-gender male; writing humbly to ask a woman editor to give me a voice in response to a story written by a woman journalist, regarding a group of thousands of women who decided that it was incumbent upon them to secretly take on the roles of judge, jury, and executioner over the reputations of men who have the audacity to date.

…I see you, Barbie.

Mercifully, my letter will be published, thanks to this newspaper. My words were carefully chosen to avoid the perception of reactive misogyny, yet I now wonder what backlash awaits me as I dared to speak out publicly against a platform that has only amateur moderators to protect against lies, stalking, cyberbullying, body shaming, and harassment, albeit ‘only’ against men.

Will I be canceled for standing up for my right to control my reputation with my actions, instead of trusting it to anonymous internet strangers?

In her book, ‘Men on Strike”, Dr. Helen Smith argues that men are too scared to stand up for themselves against these trends, and are resigned to play video games, smoke weed, and watch porn rather than shoot their best shot in life in the ‘#metoo era climate’. I pondered this as I became acutely aware that the article in question did not include any firsthand accounts from men affected by the issue at hand.

It may be worth asking: in our search for equality of the sexes, have we over-shot at least some of the targets, propelling us into reverse inequities?

Consider some present-day statistics. From an education standpoint: for every 6 women who graduate college with a degree, fewer than 4 men will achieve the same goal. Two-thirds of the highest GPA achievers in highschool are female. With deaths of despair: In the US in 2021, 79% of all people who successfully committed suicide were …male.

Ladies, these might be some reasons you’re all DatingTheSameGuys. Those of us who are thriving receive lots of attention. Those who aren’t… are really struggling.

I would be remiss to omit that many of the markers of gender equality go yet unfulfilled. Women still lag behind men in several critical leadership roles; notoriously only approximately 10% of fortune 500 CEOs are women. We continue to have pay gaps of approximately 85% (although, I question what gap there might be after factoring in egregiously inequitable alimony and divorce settlement sums). Women are underrepresented in many STEM fields. And, the reason that the ‘AWDTSG’ groups exist in the first place is because women feel unsafe from perpetrators of sexual violence and assault, as 1 in 3 women will, inexcusably, endure one of these crimes in her lifetime.

While glaring discrepancies in corporate leadership positions are inherently problematic, and inequitable, they also arguably do not benefit men at large. Ask the men currently on strike for the UAW if their inflated and inequitable CEO pay and sex representation is helping them individually. I think you can guess their likely answer.

Where do we go from here? My intent in writing this is to create thought and dialogue regarding a retooling of modern masculinity and actual gender equity in the present day.

In his book ‘Of Men and Boys’, Richard Reeves, a self-described lifelong ardent feminist, who has also had the courage to write this book highlighting the issues facing modern males, offers the musing: “The Left tells men, ‘Be more like your sister.’ The Right says, ‘Be more like your father.’ Neither invocation is helpful.”

Well-said, Richard.

Modern masculinity is in crisis - we need leadership, role models, and social support. These will both empower men to be the best versions of themselves, as well as protect women from the crimes committed against them by disenfranchised, anti-social men. I look at the ‘AWDTSG’ phenomenon as a ‘canary in the coal mine’ of the rapidly-swung pendulum of gender equity issues.

In the matter at hand, men’s privacy is a secondary concern in the (needed) quest for women’s safety.

But, dare I ask, could we start seeking solutions to these problems that aren't predicated on zero-sum games?

I ask that we remember the goal of feminism: to promote gender equity in the public sphere. I am of the opinion that doing so, in some realms, requires a re-orientation and re-calibration, taking an honest look at current, real trends in gender equality, rather than fiction and dated pop culture narratives, like Barbie.

Until we do, I ask that you spill the tea on me - and these ideas. I am waving this red flag on behalf of the realities facing modern gender equity - openly and in the public sphere.

After all, what do I have to lose?

Up to half of you are posting to ‘spill my tea’ and ‘red flags’ on Facebook. Please enjoy some more, and this time, you actually have my consent.

As I’ve been trained in our culture of ‘supposed’ equality, I wouldn’t dare act in any way without yours.

To the other half: it’s past time that we organize, strategize, and raise each other up - as brothers should - advocating for true equality in both directions, lest we fall prey to reactive misogyny espoused by the right-wing ‘man-o-sphere’, the maladapted grandchild of the now-defunct and nearly irrelevant patriarchy that started this whole battle-of-the-sexes mess.