I've come tonight to a realization. Or maybe it's a decision. Regardless, I think I've made it after a long time of soul-searching. I'm going full-on MTGOW.

It isn't an easy decision. It brings me more than a little sadness, and I feel like I'm starting to mourn for the loss of what might have been. But I've decided to eschew any sort of relationship with females.

I've tried going out to clubs more than a few times now, and every time I go up to a girl, whether to try to dance with her before she rejects me, or try to talk to her before she ignores me, I feel awkward and "creepy". Not because I am creepy. I'm a pretty stand-up guy. I'm moral, ethical, work hard, and have a decent job. But I feel like I act creepy in social situations regarding females, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. But it's been like that my whole life, and I think I'm ready to make the decision to be a MGTOW.

A little background. I'm going to be 30 years old this coming April (wow, that's scary to think about). While I'm no virgin, the girls I've slept with could be counted on one hand, and they were either prostitutes when the need drove me to the limit and I didn't know what else to do with it, or one-night stands with a (girl) friend who later got "real" boyfriends. It's been more than 5 years since I've been intimate with a girl, and I'm not sure I miss it anymore, as painful as that is to say.

Growing up, my Father was never around, and my Mother was often having to deal alone with my sister, who was very bratty and made a lot of trouble in order to get the limited attention my Mom had to give. My parents weren't separated, but my Father was a workaholic who often was overseas on work, maybe spending a weekend if that with us once every few weeks or a month or so. I've always been awkward with girls, and the first time I asked a girl out at around 6th grade or so, I got slapped for it.

In school I was fat and an outcast, neither subservient enough to be a follower, or charismatic enough to be a leader. I was the kid everyone picked on and ostracized, and it hurt. And so I escaped to books and video games, which further separated me from my peers who were all into Soccer (or Football as they liked to call it, as I went to an English-speaking school in Switzerland--again, due to my Father's work).

After coming back to the states, my social situation remained about the same, miserable and unhappy, and it was only in college when things started to look up. Not my situation with girls, but I started salsa dancing there, and that was fun. The girls never showed any interest in me after we danced, and if I pursued them I was brushed off. Again, I'm now a little overweight (85 kg at 180 cm), but rejection after rejection hurt a lot.

Ever since then I've been trying to go out, meet new people, and try to form some sort of emotional bond, or connection with those of the opposite gender. Unfortunately, I've had no such luck, and it feels as though it's fate, or destiny, or whatever, that I remain alone forever.

And so, I think I've decided to accept that. I'll continue to lose weight (I used to be 118 kg) and work on myself, but it'll be for myself. I don't want or need a woman. I'll make money for myself, go travel on my own, and when at home I'll watch movies and play video games. I'll hang out with male friends, because I'm still human and need to feel companionship and connected, but I will remain apart from females, because being close to one without having any sort of romantic relationship only serves to remind me of the ache inside me.

I'm sorry if this comes off as a bit emo, but I wanted to get it off my chest. To reiterate, I've despaired of any sort of relationship with the opposite sex as I feel creepy when I try to connect to girls, and have decided to forsake that sort of relationship and instead enjoy myself with the time I have. Because I'm not "alpha" or whatever, girls don't find my attractive despite having a stable job that brings in enough money, and going on to become a teacher at the start of the next academic school year. But that's not enough. And I need to accept that, and not let the fact that I will always be alone, and eventually will also die alone, bother me.

I'll mourn for what might have been. The kids I might have had, that I would have sheltered, protected, and taught to grow up into decent people. The woman I might have shared my life with, to comfort and hold tight against the cold of the night. Someone to grow old with, to grow ever more fond of day after day into the long years. Thinking of what might have been, and what will never be, makes me sad, and I want to cry. But reality is as it is. And I need to accept it, and make the most of my lot, enjoying the time I have left.

Thank you for listening.