I'm in my early 20s and have a family that cares for me. Barring those occasional contretemps I've had a comfortable life. However, for the past few years I'm plagued by a subtle but persistent feeling of not being at home. I'm maladapted to my surroundings and swaddled in welschmerz. I graduated with a degree a short while back, was offered a job by a company I much desired.

Rationally I should've been exultant but I continue to be fettered by loneliness. I haven't ever dated because I'm not even remotely attractive. Just in my early 20s and I'm bald already. My height makes matters worse. Shorter(5'2.5") than most women it sears my heart when I see handsome men being showered with love and affection. It's in those moments I'm reminded of my inadequacies and an overarching feeling of worthlessness. It's a fool's errand to be so dependent on approval from others. But this is how it is. My friend exemplifies masculine appeal. In his broad shoulders and long arms women find tranquility. He talks about his conquests and that invariably spirits me to a valley of despair.

I start drinking from the cup if bitterness and joylessness. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be bathed in passion and sensuous rapture. Bold and colorful, voluptuous and seductive those two bodies entwine themselves with graceful sinuosity and become one.

I crave that but can't get it. I do have passions I consider labours of love. Trading is imbued my life with joie de vivre. Studying stocks is a sense awakening experience.