How do you respond to put downs?

LyonDaddio · 2015-04-23T23:36:05+00:00

My wife does this and I have the same response almost every time. I just tell her "Don't talk about my wife like that" or "stop talking shit about my wife". and then I even sometimes follow up with a little added comfort reinforcement by saying something like "my wife just awesome" or something like that which also clarifies my point of "not talking shit about my wife". It almost always snaps her right out of it. She doesn't really self-deprecate nearly as much as she once did and she knows I don't like it. I don't allow deprecation of my wife from anyone else so I don't allow it from her either.

Troll_Trollington_ · 2015-04-23T19:25:17+00:00

Self-flagellation is often used in the place of meaningful action or change. Of course, sometimes people do feel bad about themselves and need encouragement. The trick is to encourage without allowing the encouragement to serve as a reward for not acting. I usually keep it light, almost to the point of parodying encouragement, but really just being playful.

Wife: "I can't do this. I suck."

Me: "Aww, there, there! It's okay. [Give brief hug and pat on head.] You'll get it!"

That sounds like it could be patronizing, but it's deliberately over the top to be playful. It's a version of A&A, but I'm not agreeing. The intention is to cut off the poor-me attitude and never engage in an argument about whether she sucks or not. You never want to get to this sort of point:

Her: "I suck,"

You: "No, you don't!"

Her: "Yes, I do."

Etc. ad nauseum. That's just pandering and it gets no one anywhere. Best off to quickly change the mood and move on. I'll assist her if necessary, to get her on track.

TrainingTheBrain · 2015-04-23T19:19:05+00:00

How else can you approach this?

Now that you've done it that way and it didn't work, what could you change to get it right?

She's the oldest teen, talk to her like you would a teenage girl. Don't condone shitty performance, guide her to raising her standard and approaching the issue from a different angle as opposed to giving up. This will create a positive 'can do' habit that carries over to other aspects of her life.

TW_RPAwake · 2015-04-23T20:38:16+00:00

My wife is afraid to try things because she may fail. She will get very self-deprecating and make comments like that.

I have 75% success with statements like "what would you say to our daughter if she said that to you?". Flipping the script to place her in the position of parent will often pop her out of the funk.

For the other 25% of the time? Well, she knows that she was "heard" by me, and that I'm not going to try to fix the problem. If she really belabors the "I'm stupid" comment past that, then Ill move into tough love mode and call her on it. Something like "We both know that isn't true, so why are you continuing to say it?"

BluepillProfessor · 2015-04-23T22:14:26+00:00

Why do you need words? If she is saying "I am stupid" take her in your arms, lift her off the ground, and twirl her around and reassure her with your presence. If you say anything, pat her on the head and tell her you think she is such a cute little girl, or something like "that's OK, I like my girls dumb and pretty."

UEMcGill · 2015-04-24T15:36:06+00:00

You don't need to be captain-sav-a-ho. My wife was in a funk. She loves to say "why can't I ever get ahead?!?". I used to try and appease it, logic and reason with her, and all it did was bring me down too. Finally I told her "I can't fix you. Only you can fix you. If you need my help I'm here for you, but if you continue to do nothing I can't stick around." Fast forward a couple of weeks and she's improved and happier.

Is this the same thing? Not quite, but it should be treated the same. I hear you, I'll help you get better, but I won't stand around while you self destruct and do nothing. She needs to know you're not her emotional tampon.

En_sigma · 2015-04-24T20:29:08+00:00

Ah...don't feel bad...my girlfriends can't do it either....

Title	How do you respond to put downs?
Author	Troll_Trollington_
Upvotes	4
Comments	11
Date	April 23, 2015 6:56 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/33mijt/how_do_you_respond_to_put_downs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/how-do-you-respond-to-put-downs.202072 https://theredarchive.com/post/202072

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