TL;DR

See title - especially if you're an ex-addict.

Own your shit

I found this especially difficult to me, even when I thought it was all over. The deal is, I still had some situations, where I framed ex wife as a very bad person, who probably hurts my children and wanted to control her. As I ditched my multiple addictive behaviours, this one was really hard to cut out. I tried reasoning with myself ("you can't control her", "you have no power over the situation really", "you can only live your life") but the most powerful realisation - addicts, hear me - was that I understood, that when I am especially tormented by the addiction symptoms and when I want to act-out very bad - that I will make progress when I abstain from such behaviours.

Today is one of such days. I abstained. Then I realised, how improper and unmanly was my behaviour towards her years ago, before marriage, while I was drinking. This is not an easy situation to solve - as she is also a human she is not free from faults so it is very easy for me to blame her - but I took responsibility for myself. Yes, she was a mess by then and probably she is still a mess now and it actually made the whole process of owning my shit harder for me - but I found the solution nonetheless.

If you're drug-free, substance-free, alcohol-free as me, if you keep the diet and it is still hard to abstain from compulsive behaviours for you, just remember - you will be enlightened if you abstain.

Pain and suffering

TRP actually made my suffering easier. First, I got myself a tendonitis in my ankle about a week ago. Then, I must have eaten something bad on Friday (I guess I should have thrown out that box of mashed tomatoes, even if "best before" was Nov 2017). I had a mess in my flat. I was a mess personally. And I had a weekend with my kids.

This month is actually a very important month for me. This is the first month I am going to start saving money since when I moved out. I have all the material things I need, even more (car, electronics, books, cooking utensils, I've even got a crock-pot and some other stuff). During past months I haven't felt like I cut down my expenses too much (when me or kids wanted or needed something, I bought it; we did some travelling during holidays too). So my financial situation is pretty good and stable right now and I am going to be even better soon, I believe.

And, even if I feel like I have all the material things that I want and I earn good, I'm sitting in the toilet for the 4th time during an hour, barely being able to walk. All those new muscle I gained? doesn't matter.

And all I dream of is being healthy, not shivering, not feeling cold, being able to walk, being able to exercise again.

And I embrace that. This is me on TRP, I am not counting on anyone else to help me. I am not calling anyone. I am not asking anyone for help. I am thinking about all those English soldiers that I read about, who killed French during winter while having dysentery. I am not taking drugs for the pain, because the pain is in my ankle for a reason (my body says: "don't move, I'm trying to repair this tendon"). I suffer and I am alone and it is okay this way, it is the way it should be. Sometimes, when I feel I am totally powerless over my condition, I cry.

In 2 days my stomach symptoms resolve. I feel grateful. Life feels normal again and I start to understand, that this is good. My life is no more about searching for a high or cutting out the pain at all cost.

In the pain, I started to think about my life, how much time do I have left, what activities am I planning to do. I had some ideas. Then I understood. "And that's all. That's probably all what I am going to do in my life for now and this is good".

When I was an active alcohol abuser, I'd just curse the world, curse God, wallow in victim mentality and numb myself alcohol and that's all. And then, everything wrong that comes with that would be in my life, again. Do not want.

I still walk like House, MD though. No 4:30 AM HIIT exercises for me. I make a lousy Jocko Willink now.

Takeaways

  • it will be harder to own your shit if your partner has issues/is crazy/BPD/whatever; just follow the path and own
  • suffering is way easier if you understand the world around you,
  • compulsive behaviour is there for a reason, it is there so you won't see your own true colours, it is just another layer of ego protection so you can do X and Y and feel better about yourself, but if you do that you won't learn about yourself, which can be actually tragic in the perspective,
  • I am sure that self-inflicted pain and being "outside comfort zone" (like in "lift", "exercise") is good for one's personal health and development; I am not so sure about just suffering because of health problems, but on the other hand - for me this means progress, I am able to sustain it without numbing myself and that's good, on the other hand - that's just another case of an ex-addict reaching level of a "normal person"; I still have to see if it is worth it in the long run.