Like I've said many times before, my life is hell. Like nightmares made real. And there may be no getting out and I simply have to accept it.

I know many may not agree with me but fuck it. In this world, most people (especially as a man), you are on your own. I mean whether you're disabled or in desperate need of help, many do not come to your aid. I mean I have heard other stories of other guys, like me, who need to go out of their way to defend themselves or they just don't make it.

As for me, personally, this is definitely what I have to go through. I really don't like my feminist friend sometimes because she can be really irritating and gaslighty. But at the same time, I don't wanna break up with her because I'll literally have no one else to talk to. Other than talking to the wall. Plus, she does help me try to navigate through the fucked up government system, medical system and the mental health field because she knows their lingo. Problem is that many times she is simply not available so it's kinda like I have to leave notes and messages and voicemails for her like I do a receptionist. It's irritating as all hell but that's what I have to do until I find something else better.

My mom is of course even worse than my friend. I explained the situation between us in previous posts. But to put it simply she is narcisstic and neglectful and only adds to the stress. It has come down to the point where I absolutely must have therapy now. But I have called literally a DOZEN different therapists. None of them are available or you have to pay out of pocket (with my insurance being taken away next year, I'll have to pay out of pocket for everything anyway). I am facing a mental health crisis as well (along with increasing problems with finding other medical health) so I took drastic measures. I now have to use the spare money from my dad's death benefits to pay for my therapy. Of course if he's shit, I will demand to have him find someone else that's better. It's my money and time and effort after all.

Now....I can see why others can just think I'm an asshole or something, especially if they don't know me. And it makes me understand others a little more because you can be an asshole just because of your behavior but it can also be due to just life experiences and stress getting the better of you. Bad things happen to good people too and they can't get out of it and may turn into people you no longer recognize. So it kinda makes me have empathy for others sometimes but also apathy as well because of our basic human psychology. That really scares me. And it's heartbreaking and makes me angry that many of us guys can't find support. Many times, I do want to go out of my way to help other guys like me but of course how can I do that when I'm unable to save myself either. It's like a dog eat dog world out there, a dystopia even.

But still, of course, trying to maintain my identity, my sanity and my sense of self, I try to keep myself composed when I need to be. Because like my friend said, if I get upset or angry, others will blow up at me and leave or just not deal with me. And that doesn't help me. It is an ongoing battle that I have to fight every day. And it's a mix of me putting myself here and other people (my parents especially) putting me in this position and simple bad luck and life circumstances. And it created the perfect storm.

I'll do my best to make it through Thanksgiving and if things go the way they should, I'll have my first appointment with my therapist on Monday. So....wish me luck and I wish all the good luck to you guys that hopefully you can find something better too. Even in shit circumstances.