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This is a 23 year old man crying out for help

August 5, 2021

This is a man trying to vent out for help and in desperate need for someone to talk to

My online friend has helped me through a lot of struggles and has helped me improve my life. And I know her life and relationships and her perception is affected by her trauma. However I know she is hanging around two toxic people who neglect her needs all the time and abuse her in different ways (I’m afraid it can even get physical). And she goes from one extreme of thinking they’re both nothing but nice and helpful and caring and fun to be around. And the next she wants nothing to do with them.

I really have been patient with her for a long time but I know she won’t walk away from either of them, probably ever. And a lot of the time, when I try to make suggestions on how to improve her life and get herself and them some help and treatment, she declines. And it just makes me so frustrated sometimes and wears down on my mental health too.

Before it’s like she made this vow to help me through every step in trying to get my life back and make positive changes. Now she doesn’t make any time for me at all.

She does make time for the two toxic people she lives with…..but not me. She doesn’t contact me for days even a week. And I’m the one who always has to text her and wait for a response. If I try to vent how I feel and the problems I have with our relationship, she either gets confused and asks a bunch of questions, gets distracted with something else, ignores me, or gets really upset and shuts down. And I end up apologizing to her.

So…..yeah most of the time, I keep things to myself. The only time I go to her is for advice because I desperately need it. But even then she’s still too busy and doesn’t make the time for me.

On top of that, she says things like this: “I’m far more accustomed to being pursued, to men making fools of themselves just to get me to ACKNOWLEDGE them, let alone speak...”

She says things like that a lot and of course that triggers the shit out of me. But again it’s how to talk about how I feel without being ignored or being made to look like the bad guy.

So……now, I don’t know if it’s right to walk away or stay like this or not. And even if I do walk away I have no one else to talk to, who can understand my struggles. It is hard for me to reach out to ANYONE.

So, I’m just begging for someone to talk to. Because the only other choice is to remain alone.

And what really gets me is my online friend lead me here and then ended up abandoning me……

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[–]Uncoolx2 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Young man, this is not a healthy relationship, and you seem to care more for it than the other party.

You need to step away from it. You are either being stringed along, or you are stringing yourself along.

Time to move on.

[–]a-man-from-earth 12 points13 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

We're here. We listen.

This is a tough one. I understand you may not want to give up on her because you feel you have no one else. But to be honest, it doesn't sound like she really cares about you. It sounds to me like she is hoping you will take the hint and move on. And in my opinion, that's what you should do.

Yes, it's hard to go it alone. But it's not impossible to find new friends. Try to make new connections through activities, maybe a hiking meetup, a tabletop games club, or whatever it is you're into.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I can’t physically meet up with people since 1) I can’t drive yet since I don’t have a license and 2) my parents keep me isolated inside the house and don’t allow me outside the house on my own. In fact it’s taken me a lot of work just to go to doctors appointments on my own and getting my own rides there. So I don’t really get the opportunity to make new friends (physically anyway).

I think I recently just found out that she only makes time for me when she feels like it. And yeah she might be just stringing me along. But I did depend on her advice (business advice as well) but since she disappears so much I guess I have to handle that on my own too.

[–]a-man-from-earth 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any special needs that your parents have such a hold on you?

Otherwise, you're 23. You can go where you want.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I do. I receive my finances under disability and my health has been severely compromised. I’m still handling phone calls every day to doctors in trying to manage my health. And trust me it’s a lot

[–]a-man-from-earth 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I see. That's tough.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do have plans and I’m trying to save money and make calls from doctor to doctor to make sure I get physically better. But yeah my mental health has taken its toll too. And guess what? It takes a lot of time and resources anyway to find another good doctor and therapist too. Believe me or not I’m going through as many doctors as I can.

It’s just……overwhelming

[–]okashiikessen 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's hard. You care for this person, you've tried to help this person, and she has been helpful for you in the past.

But it also sounds like she has become too you what her two friends are to her. She's a toxic influence now. And it's probably the last thing you want to do, but you may need to distance yourself, at the least. Cut her out at the most.

My wife and I had a friend, call her Jade, in high school who was in trouble quite a bit, and definitely had family issues at home. She was one of our best friends, though, and we gave her a lot of support. After high school, we go to college while Jade ended up in this circular pattern of relationships. She'd go be with A for a while, then they'd have a fight, she'd leave and go to B, and repeat as she went to C, then D, then back to A to start the whole thing over.

Well, a few years down the road, after my wife and I are stable and actually married, we invite Jade to come stay with us (for the second time - I'm skipping over a lot here). The first time she had brought one of her circular relationships with her and it just didn't work. This time, she came solo, met new people, found a new SO and was generally doing really well. Until her commitment issues kicked in and she and the SO started having serious issues and she left.

Keep in mind that this is my wife's best friend, thick and thin sort of thing. My wife is newly pregnant, we're all excited. Jade just fucking packs her shit and leaves one day. In the middle of the day. Doesn't hang around to say bye.

At this point, we've been through about a decade of ups and downs with her. My wife proceeded to just cut her out. Completely. If the subject of Jade comes up, she says she hopes she's okay, she still loves her, but can't allow Jade to influence her life anymore.

It's hard. But it's doable. It just takes that realization that, "oh, I love this person, but this relationship is toxic. It takes too much out of me because I'm the only one interested in maintaining it."

And that's the crossroads you're at now. Ultimately, it's your call. And none of us are here to judge - you'll get support here no matter what.

However, if you choose to persist, then you have to realize that you are then doing the exact same thing she is by maintaining that toxic relationship when others have tried to point it out to you.

Good luck, friend.

[–]marthurman 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She is in a toxic relationship with two other people, and you are in a toxic relationship with her.

Your advice to her was to leave those toxic relationships — my advice to you is to do the same.

Join several subreddits and have discussions, join a discord, etc. There are billions of people out there who are willing to talk — don’t let the fear of temporary loneliness keep you in a horrible relationship.

Much love, brother.

[–]Rifter0876 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Follow your own advice. You say she is in a toxic relationship with two people and she should leave. Thats true. You are in a toxic relationship with her, you should also leave.

[–]MartianCavenaut 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't cast your pearls before swine!

[–]Confessioncel 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Out of interest how did you meet this online friend ?

[–]pwnsilver 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Like the first guy said, we're here to listen. Honestly you could probably DM any of us if you really need to talk. Loneliness is one of the hardest hills to conquer when you are isolated, but it is better to be alone with yourself than to be alone with someone else. We're here for you.

[–]LeNoir 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Walk away, you don't need her. Even if she's your only 'friend', she makes you feel like shit, so what's the point?

[–]Confessioncel 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"

There's only so much you can do. Just find new friends somehow.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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