I turned 20 when I first got here after being stationed overseas. I absolutely loved being in the foreign country I was in and had many great weekend nights with friends and my girlfriend at the time just enjoying the culture and night life. Now I’m stuck in an unarguably shitty state in a shitty town (yes really, there is no way around it, many of my peers agree). I understand that there’s a silver lining to everything and I need to look for the positives here, but my patience has been running thin for the 5 months I’ve been back stateside and im worried it’s going to culminate and I might do something I regret. Frankly, im tired of being strong and pretending like im okay with missing out on all the fun my friends are having in college. I need to travel at least an hour to get to the nearest big city, and 3 hours to get to the next closest one. It’s hard to keep friendships going with non-military people who share the same interests as me becuase of the distance. I can make myself fit in with my military peers but at the end of the day we are just too different to truly get along and spend more than just a night of drinking together.
All this has been building up, with just enough chances to blow off some steam so the stress doesn’t get to me, but it’s been nearly a month now with no break and this time it feels different. I’m keeping myself busy with work, gym, music, and soon, college, but i don’t know how much longer I can take it before I snap on someone and make my life harder than it already is.
Between being stood up multiple times on dates, friends that have turned their backs on me, and of course the looming decline of society, I’ve had a lot of weight on my shoulders, feeling like this might be my only chance to enjoy being young before things go to shit.
I’m especially hurting right now because over the last few weeks, I’ve lost/outgrown a good friend I’ve made here, and just today my other good friend snaked me and showed his true colors. Meanwhile, I’ve been talking to this girl and we’ve really gotten along well over text and share a lot of similar interests. we had planned a first date in the city this evening, but she came up with an excuse earlier today and cancelled with no rain check. So here I am alone on a Saturday night, seeing my other friends enjoying their youth, and reminiscing about what I was doing with my past girlfriend on this day one year ago when I was stationed overseas.
I don’t think I’m suicidal, but I have had serious thoughts before and despite my best efforts of looking after my mental health, I’m worried it could happen again. One month ago I had an episode, and luckily my friend was able to comfort me or else I really don’t know what would have happened. These thoughts rarely, if ever, enter my mind when I get to enjoy the company of romantic partners and solid friends who really do care about me.
I am prone to depression through genetics, and as stated usually I can manage but while I am here in the forsaken shit hole of America, I’m not too sure about these next two years until I can leave and get stationed somewhere else.
To be honest, I won’t even proofread this, I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully someone can at least let me know that they acknowledge my predicament and help me feel seen. I feel so alone lately
Thanks for reading