~ archived since 2018 ~

Lost on an odd question

February 7, 2022

I have something I need a bit of help with, and I’m not sure where to turn.

A woman I used to know came back into my online radar. I’ll spare the details, but I haven’t had contact with her since I was a pre-teen, a time period when I had a huge crush on her. However, since then she’s gotten involved in a lot of stuff that isn’t too good. My problem comes in that seeing pictures of her again brought back all those old feelings, and new ones. Every time I see one of those pictures it practically feels like my chest is going to burst, and like I’ll lose my mind. When people describe love, that’s what it sounds like and feels like, but I know it’s not that.But at the same time, I can’t fight the urge to attempt to contact her, or quit looking into what info she’s put out there.

I need to know a good way to get myself away from this feeling and cycle of going back. If my sister finds out about any of this, even if there’s no contact, she’ll be livid. Any help folks?

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Post Information
Title Lost on an odd question
Author LifeQuail9821
Upvotes 13
Comments 13
Date February 7, 2022 1:02 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]NLY96 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So, I think you can date this person if you want.

However, it sounds like you may be more in love with the idea or memory of the person rather than them alone. If you see red flags, don't ignore them, people can change, and even that depends on how well you knew them back then.

Just remember to not put the expectation of a fantasy onto another person, and keep an eye out.

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My thinking side is against ever having contact with this person, but my lizard brain won’t let me quit thinking about her. There’s more red flags there than a communist convention.

[–]MisterMister1964 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The problem is that you aren't really in love with the person she is now. You are only remembering the former experience with her younger version that doesn't exist anymore.
Only you can decide if you want to be with her, but remember that you'll be starting a new relation and not rekindling a fantasy love from your youth.

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

See my other replies for more details, but I’m looking for advice on how to avoid thoughts and feelings toward this person.

[–]DANTESX 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are you experiencing limerence?

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

You’ll need to think about her as much as it takes to get her out of your system. But, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. Try to think about what taking care of yourself looks like. I bet you’ll realize she’s not a part of your healthy future.

Is it good to be returning to this person time and time again? Maybe it’s worth considering whether you should block/delete whatever app you’re using to get a window into her world. Out of sight, out of mind?

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Limerence sounds like it. She’s definitely not part of a healthy future, that much is clear, I think my brain just gets stuck because there is one thing I’m missing in my life which would be easy to fill with her, although it would definitely be unhealthy.

I’ve been doing good the last couple of days at avoiding it, but I can’t block that app because I use it for work purposes.

[–]kerepof199 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you want to date her, message her and see how she is doing. If she is available, just ask her out for a fun date. If she isn't then just tell her it's cool, thank her and move on.

Nothing wrong with this my man.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I guess I wasn’t clear- this person is not someone I should have contact with, but I’m feeling compelled to anyways. I don’t want to give more details (last time something came up ~5 years ago someone ended up contacting her despite me not giving identifying info).

I need help figuring out how not to feel this way, or a good way to distract myself.

[–]CharlesDickensABox 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well stop looking at her online presence, for a start. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like this might not be an entirely healthy infatuation. You mention that your sister knows more about the situation than we do, and she'll be livid if she finds out you've been doing this. If you have a good relationship with your sister, I might consider just being honest with her about it. Tell her what you're feeling and that you don't want to feel like this, but you're having trouble. She will probably be far less upset about this if she hears the story from you than if you try to hide it, as well as more willing to help you find healthy ways to express yourself. And just go ahead and block all of this woman's social media channels for your own sake. Delete her phone number and any saved messages you might have. Looking at those things is just pouring salt in the wound and preventing you from healing.

I would also like to point out that, to overuse a cliche, there are an awful lot of fish in the sea. In many ways our society conditions us to believe that there is one "true love" for each of us, and that if you miss that, you're screwed. The fact of the matter is that is complete nonsense. Human compatibility, like everything else in life, exists on a spectrum. And if you keep focusing all of your emotional attention on this one person, you will miss out on a great many other relationships and experiences, both romantic and not, that you could have had otherwise. Spend your time being the best version of you that you can be, both for yourself and for those around you. Don't waste your time worrying about things that cannot be, instead focus on bringing joy and happiness to the people in your life and you find that both you and they are better off for it.

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You obviously don’t know my sister, haha. In this specific situation, dealing with it on my own would be best there.

And I don’t think this is true love or anything, just an inability to control impulses. I’ve been working with my therapist to learn to better differentiate actual romantic feelings from everything else, and this has been a huge setback.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then you NEED to cut her out. It's that simple.

[–]MartianCavenaut 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are you still a teenager?

[–]LifeQuail9821[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No. I’m an adult.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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