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Mid-week check-in

September 27, 2022

How are you guys doing? Remember that we're all human, and it's okay not to feel okay. Some days are better than others...

Please feel free to share what is bothering you, or what you do to feel better.

Please have a look at our current event and consider participating.

Wishing you all a good continuation of the week!

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Post Information
Title Mid-week check-in
Author mensupportmenmod
Upvotes 15
Comments 3
Date September 27, 2022 4:00 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]6-leslie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got discriminated against by a police officer yesterday. Not violent, I’m safe, but she screwed with something important legally & medically. I can’t go into it more/Keep it vague. Just know I’m upset. I have urge to bash my head against the wall until I stop thinking. I’m trying to focus on the good. I have a new AAC tool (AAC ways disabled people who struggle with voice communicate). My porcupine friend is still hanging around. He was in our ditch in Onoclea sensibilis (favourite fern). I started calling him Barley. I love him.

[–]throwaway818409 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If I'm being honest, I'm doing pretty shitty.

My uncle died recently and my sister was pissed because her ex-boyfriend (the deceased's son-in-law's best friend) came to Hawaii for his funeral. I'd have to draw a diagram and write a few paragraphs to make sure everybody understands the relationships involved, but you get the picture. Trip was planned months in advance, nobody knew uncle would be dead when ex-bf got here... with his new girlfriend. Basically she got it in her head that we were excluding her somehow and having a secret Hawaiian funeral. IRL the guy fucking died relatively unexpectedly after an 18 month battle with bone cancer and luckily his daughter (my cousin) had a trip planned at the same time and his friend was going to come visit him. He left no last wishes except that he didn't want a big Catholic funeral at the Cathedral, which is what our family generally goes for.

I told my sister, I didn't even like the guy when you started messing with him! I'm not going to say I told you so, but...

To my surprise, that seemed to calm her down. But ~two months later I got several texts about how she "can't believe I'm so far gone" and don't "live in reality" and how I've "abandoned our family." About how she's pissed I'm still on speaking terms with our dad (she's his favorite but she hasn't spoken to him in ~5 years, spotty communication for ~5 before that). Before anybody asks, no abuse, the guy's just a jackass. I've had many heart to hearts with my mom and 3 sisters about it and they all agree he's annoying (to say the least) but not physically, mentally or sexually abusive.

Anyway, my mom, myself, my cousin, my auntie, pretty much everybody in our family is worried about her mental health. She's apparently been lashing out at everybody in the family for like a year, one by one, saying horrible things to them. For me, the thing is she keeps calling me a hypocrite. I'm an awful person but I'm the first one to admit that. I'm basically an open book. I love my family though and we're all on good terms (some more than others). She's basically "not speaking to" 80% of the family at any given time. I should mention my mom is one of eleven and we have about 30 cousins, and there are like... 10 adults in the generation behind us, so that's a lot of people to "not be speaking to."

Anyway, also I'm a week into a four week notice teaching English to mostly German and French students at an EFL school here. I should mention I speak German and French, I have B.A.s in Linguistics and German with minors in French and Japanese (and there are also hella Japanese at the school). This is pretty much my dream job. The only drawback is that it pays $19/hr in Hawaii. My 2br apartment is $1700 before utilities. I have a roommate so my living expenses are ~$1000 but that's still almost half my income.

I talked to some of the old timers and they're like "Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to have a career in EFL unless you have a wealthy spouse." So I put in my notice so I could make $70k/yr in the restaurant industry as a manager. But the thing is, I fucking hate the restaurant industry almost as I love it. Nobody cares about how much you know or how smart you are. They care how fast you can open a beer or bullshit about football (I fucking hate football, and before you think I'm a too-smart-for-this asshole I love basketball and hockey). I want to be a part of the "knowledge economy" and I feel like I'm throwing away my last chance at 35. It's like my whole life was "Go to college, get educated!" and now it's "What are you doing with your life with that egghead shit, you need to be flipping burgers!"

As if that wasn't enough I'm a year and a half into a hellish dry spell and to be honest, the lack of physical touch is killing me. There again, I feel like I'm being gaslighted. Sex isn't everything. Yeah, if you're having it. A lot like people with money like to say money isn't everything, too. "You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship." Yeah, true, but it's also hard to be happy with yourself with zero validation. It's not incel shit, it's just human nature. The last woman I was hooking up with hit me up a few months after we "ended it." This was the one from a year and a half ago. Afterwards, I said "I thought this was supposed to be over." She said "Yeah, well, when it's been a few months (emphasis mine), I get a little crazy." Months. I almost laughed but I know better.

So yeah, I need to get back into therapy (after about a year away from it). But also, I feel like I need somebody to tell me what my therapist specifically won't, which is that I'm right.

EDIT: Just realized, I didn't even touch the whole "my uncle who was like a second father to me just died" hornet's nest. So yeah, he got diagnosed with bone cancer two years ago. Since then, it's been pretty much normal, although he went from an alcoholic to a total stoner and complained more when he moved around. He was an alcoholic so most of his moved were from the fridge to one couch or the other, depending on where I was. He was a broadway actor back in the day. I don't want to give too much information out, but he was the lead in a really... really popular broadway play in the late 70s, early 80s and basically coasted on that for another ten years before he "retired" an was a carpenter in upstate New York. That's a really typical career arc for a broadway actor so I feel comfortable sharing it.

I guess since he got diagnosed, I knew it would happen but it was such a slow progression, until it wasn't, you know what I mean? Like the last time I saw him he was cooking eggs and breaking my balls for leaving some beers in the fridge and my board shorts on the line. I was supposed to come over the day that he died, although he was basically unresponsive at the time. I got the call while I was at my side job (the RM gig). That was like 7 wks ago.

Before anybody thinks I'm making it about me, I can't imagine what my cousins/auntie are going through. I mean, I like to call myself the Fresh Prince of [Hawaii Town], he took me in when I was barely grown, and he was my Uncle Phil, but he was their dad/husband. Their two kids (who I love dearly) at least got to know him. He even had a nickname, "Grande-Pere." (I guess Daniel Tiger's grandpa is French or something?) He didn't want Opa and auntie put the kibosh on Tutu Kane, Hawaiian for g'pa bc she's Hawaiian but he's not.

Everybody was really cool about it. The director and #2 at the school. My two really good teaching friends, the front desk guy. Basically my whole network at the school.

I should mention they all left the school in the span of a few weeks (LMAO)! Their replacements are cool, but everybody leaving so quickly definitely helped along my decision to quit.

[–]6-leslie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not sure what you want to be right about, which is better since you can be trusting I'm not lying to make you happy. I'll comment on a few things I think you're right on (most I don't understand the situation) and maybe that'll be what you're talking about

(...) pretty much everybody in our family is worried about her mental health. She's apparently been lashing out at everybody in the family for like a year, one by one, saying horrible things to them. (...) She's basically "not speaking to" 80% of the family at any given time.

Your worrying is justified. Suddenly isolating and lashing out at others is a big warning sign for many mental illnesses. It's good that you guys are recognizing that.

"You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship." Yeah, true, but it's also hard to be happy with yourself with zero validation. It's not incel shit, it's just human nature.

Agreed, I think people who say this isn't true are lying to themselves. I guess it's easier to blame others for their struggles than admit it's complex & many solutions are up to chance. It's cruel to call men incels as an insult when they try to talk about this. This is coming from a guy who isn't interested in hookups/dating. (I know that's abnormal, it's caused by mental health conditions). But I can still understand this is true, humans are social animals, most will suffer in this situation. The suffering shouldn't be made fun of, when men open up they shouldn't be shut down with misandrist insults.

Before anybody thinks I'm making it about me (...)

I didn't think once reading your comment you were making it about you. You're posting in a place where you're supposed to talk about yourself. You don't need to explain. It's irrational of someone to assume you don't care about others because you didn't write a eulogy in a place you're meant to talk about how you're doing.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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