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Recent Break Up

shdfos
July 20, 2022
15 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

Hi all,

I just went through a break up with my gal. We were together for over 3.5 years and had become best friends. It was a mutual decision but since the break up she's been very cold and distant while I'm still looking for connection, like an occasional phone call at least. I know the thing to do is just give it space, process the sadness and let time heal it - but man I'm missing her a lot.

I'm in my 40's now and single again and feeling like I can't get it right. I've got a lot going for me in some ways but don't have a lot of close friends and no wife/partner so life is pretty lonely.

A silver lining of this break up is it has me doing a lot of reflection and writing - specifically about how us men can be better ally's for the women in our lives (and all women) and what we can do to help acknowledge and understand the burdens that women have carried in this world throughout history. I hope these reflections/writings will make me a better man and more worthy of a great partnership in the future.

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Post Information
Title Recent Break Up
Author shdfos
Upvotes 15
Comments 13
Date July 20, 2022 12:43 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/recent-break-up.1124607
https://theredarchive.com/post/1124607
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/w38hex/recent_break_up/
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Comments

[–]empathylion 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I was in a similar situation. 3.5 year relationship with someone that has essentially become a best friend and then after that she went no contact while I longed for a connection. I can relate with what you're going through.

When the relationship ended for me I pretty much had no friends and felt pretty damn lonely. I unfortunately solely prioritized the relationship during the time we dated and didn't invest in friendships.

I've come to see that solid friendships need to exist before we get into a relationship. It helps our romances be a lot healthier. Our support system need to be more than just our gf. We need to have fun and spend time with more than just our gf. Our life needs to be about more than just our gf. I learned that the hard way.

I recommend that you focus on friendships and develop your interests. Close friends tend to come from shared interests, passion projects, working together, sharing experiences, problem solving together. Once that's more solid and you're decently content with a single relationship status, then I think it'll be a good idea to go for a serious relationship.

I hope this helps .

[–]shdfos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man, I very much agree about prioritizing friendships - and how that can serve as a foundation in life and for a healthy relationship. Over the past few months I've been trying to do this and now have some activity buddies who could turn into closer friends over time. Appreciate your response.

[–]kenbrucedmr 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey man,

Breakups are always hard, and, after a certain age, they make you feel you threw away a life project. I think missing your ex is very normal at the begining, and it can last for quite a while. As you say, it's good for you both to have space to process the whole thing. It's a big change in your lives, after all.

I suspect life will be lonely for a while. It usually takes some time from a serious relationship, to meeting somebody new. Things do get better, though, and there is not a "right" amount of time that should take. I mean that there is no reason to feel bad or a failure if you don't have a partner again after X amount of time has passed. I think that feeling of being inadequate is worse than the loneliness, and it is not justified at all.

About your last paragraph, I don't think you need to be "worthy" of a relationship. It's just a matter of finding somebody compatible with us. We will always be imperfect, and so will our partners, and that's OK. Of course I agree that it is always good to work on ourselves.

I hope this helps a bit

[–]shdfos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for this response. I find myself terrified of being single...but you're right that it's the feeling of being inadequate that is worse than the loneliness. Deep down I know I'm worthy of happiness and partnership and so I'll just try to bring that to the surface and embody that. And just trust in this great unfolding of life.

[–]judgefro 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thinking your not "worthy" or "worthy enough" for a relationship is a very unhealthy train of thought.

Sometimes people just grow apart and, that's a very sad and unfortunate part of life. And breaking up, of course is going to make you feel lonely. It may make you feel lonely for a while but it also gives you a chance to find yourself.

But thinking about this in a value of worth is really unhealthy. That's like putting things and people on pedestals, and not valuing yourself. Remember that you were in this realtionship and you weren't the reason this realtionship ended. You have shown to bring worth and value to a realtionship, remember that. This break up sucks but it shouldn't make the illusion that you were of lesser worth.

I hope the best for you my man.

[–]shdfos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This does help a lot. Thank you. I think going through a break up is always a time of self reflection and looking at how one can be better in the future.. but you're right, it's not about putting yourself down. I've been doing that too much and kind of internalizing some of the things she said as she was leaving (things she said from a place of hurt and frustration).

Thank you!

[–]Rolaid-Tommassi 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sorry to hear it mate. I'm in my late 60's and just got tossed out of my partner's home after 13 years. Was very low for months but have now found a place to live and, although still lonely, I'm starting to value the freedom and independence that comes with being single.

It's tough on you at the moment but you will definitely start to feel better soon. All the best to you mate.

[–]shdfos[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! And glad to hear you're finding your footing again after your separation.

[–]grasscoveredhouses 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, I'll be straight with you - when you break up with someone, especially when there was strong emotion involved, it can be normal for them to not want to interact with you further. (It's still painful of course!)

If you don't want to be with her you have the right to set that boundary, but you have to accept she may never want connection of any kind again and that's her right.

With that said, I think working through mourning the loss of her in your life will help you properly understand your own worth and value, and the love you deserve, and be happy in the future! It is tough to feel so alone, and I hope it doesn't last long.

[–]shdfos[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for this response, for the straight talk and the compassion.

I know people handle breakups in different ways and she has a right to be cold, distant or not want to talk. I'm giving her that space - she knows how to reach me if she feels like talking.

Posting on here and getting these responses has really helped with the loneliness from not talking with her anymore and helped with processing and moving through the emotions. Glad I found this group.

[–]Joejolly3922 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hey man that’s really tough. I’m glad you’re holding on and finding healthy ways to work through it. Just remember, it’s always a good time to work on yourself and to find things that make you happy!

[–]shdfos[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks man. As much as this sucks I've got a little spark of excitement about this opportunity for growth, self improvement and exploring new ways of finding happiness.

[–]Joejolly3922 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s really the best attitude! I’m happy you’re seeing the bright sight of life!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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