I was raped when I was 17 by my brother's ex-girlfriend who was 23 (call her Y). I was hanging out smoking weed with my friends after school when all of a sudden, Y shows up because she's 'friends' with my friend's girlfriend who's house we were at, and Y asked her to come over and hang out with us. I said it'd be weird because she's my brother's ex, but Y is persistent and calls all of us on the phone till one of us feels bad and answers. Y pressures us into hanging out because she had alcohol. This pushed the group over the edge and everyone said it was fine, except me who was uncomfortable to say the least. Y and my brother had a nasty breakup and she was a super toxic, narcissistic and manipulative person.

So when Y comes over and brings the alcohol and we all take a shot. Y then pulls out small doses of Xanax which I denied at first but everyone else took one and pressured me into taking it, so I did. More alcohol and weed are consumed, we are having a fun time and now it's late and time to go home, but we all went to eat McDonald's first to sober up a little.

As I'm getting to my car ready to go home, Y is parked right next to me and says let's go smoke one more joint before going home, which I decline saying I should probably get home. Y persists saying it's not that late, and with the cocktail of alcohol, weed and xanax letting my guard down, I give in to her badgering and say okay fine just one joint and get in her car. We drive around and for some reasons smoking this joint puts me into a dream-like state, the timing of everything is making my inhibitions fade away. I say yes to another joint, then a full xanax bar, downed with more alcohol. At this point I remember two distinct personalities in my body. There's the real me in the back of my head screaming out "what the fuck are you doing, no, stop" but my body is saying "yes" just going with the flow.

My perceptions are visibly blurry, cloudy, foggy, and dark around my peripheries at this point. We're still driving around in her car and Y starts complaining about being hurt by my brother breaking up with her, and mentions how she misses him, and misses having sex. Y puts it out there that maybe we could go get a motel somewhere and fool around and while my mind was screaming "NO! FUCK NO!" what came out of my mouth was "Why not?" which surprised me and her to hear.

From here on out it's mainly black with flashes of images that haunt me to this day. I don't know how we got to the motel, I just remember being in the room suddenly, Y pushing me down on the bed, Y putting another blue pill in my mouth, Y pulling her laptop out and turning on hardcore porn, and starting to pull down my pants and make me aroused. I just remember being completely immobile, like I was almost paralyzed, and all my brain could recall was images of Y on top of me, shoving her genitals and anus in my face, Y doing all the instigation. I just let it happen to me. Then waking up then next morning naked these images rushed back to me, and I instantly started chain smoking cigarettes thinking what the fuck did I just do. Y said we can't ever tell anyone about this and we have to pretend like this didn't happen and never talk about it ever again. Y drives me to my car at McDonald's, I get in, and I begin my slow decent into a waking, living hell.

The worst part isn't that it happened. It's what has happened since then over the past 11 years of me hiding it, pretending it didn't happen, pushing it down as far as I could. When it happened, I was months into a new relationship with my current wife of 10 years and I was too ashamed, guilt-ridden, and traumatized to ever talk about it with her. My brain literally wouldn't let me process it and I developed a trauma response any time I thought about it which is a vicious cycle which led me into a deep depression. Not telling her over the past 10 years we were together is my biggest regret and makes me feel like I'm a worthless, heartless, piece of shit for hiding it and essentially breaking our marriage vows as I made them, betraying her trust and hurting her. We had a nice life, a house, two kids. It's all a sham. Not only this but also, my brother and Y ended up getting back together and were married with two kids for 5 years, and recently got divorced because Y physically and verbally abused him and Y got arrested for a DUI and two counts of reckless endangerment as their two kids were in her car when she almost crashed her car into a highway median at 80+mph and a cop saw. That's a different story, though.

To sum it up, I've been working in therapy for years to get to the point where I felt like I could even talk about the night it happened with anyone at all because I've trained myself to shove it far down as possible and bottle my feelings. After talking for months with multiple therapists, I realized I needed to follow the gut-feeling I had that I eventually needed to tell my wife it happened, and face the consequences of my actions. But through therapy, it's helped me understand the guilt, shame, and societal pressure put on men in similar situations and how victim shaming is 100% more likely if it's a male getting assaulted by a woman. This is the hardest part for me to grasp too because I feel like I'm responsible, and like I have this propensity for evil inside me, so I must be a shitty person.

So for the longest time I believed it was my fault; something I could've avoided if I had made better decisions, or overall was a better person at my core. It's confusing as a male because there is a social narrative that it's not considered rape unless the victim is being forcibly penetrated.

I finally told my wife last night after 10 years of hiding it and understandably it's the hardest thing she's ever had to deal with. I'm getting shut down because ultimately she still thinks I am responsible, which I still feel like I am, but over months of therapy, this is textbook sexual abuse of a minor by a person who had power over me and didn't have my consent. Still my wife is grappling with the idea that this was just a bad decision I made, or that I "hooked-up" or cheated on her, where if the tables were turned (god forbid) I would never say anything to blame or shame or guilt a victim of abuse of any kind. Y is a sexual predator, knew what she was doing, and had sex with a minor. She should be in jail.

This time in my life will be the hardest point in my life, and I'm coming here to tell my story in case anyone else has similar traumas, just know there is help, there is a way out, and there are people out there who understand and believe you even though there is so much societal pressure trying to prove the opposite. People rape other people. In any situation where a 23 year old forces non-consensual sex with a 17 year old, it is rape. We need to stick together and challenge this stigma and get more men facing these situations the help and support they deserve.

Thanks for reading.