Edit: just a vent, I guess I needed to get some thoughts out.

I'm nearly 22 now, been working at a paper mill for the past 3 years, mom passed away about a year ago, and I picked up some extra jobs so I basically work every day of the year. I average around 100 hours a week, which I guess is weird to be considered my baseline.

I own a home, which is a blessing, I bought one for a really affordable price. I own my vehicles outright.

I'm pretty handy and renovated/improved my house to be mine, it's a safe haven. Nice mood match lighting in every room, awesome vibed out home gym, got the movie-suburban dad backyard set up, the grill the patio, the landscaping.

It's awesome.

But life isn't.

I almost fell down the same multi-year long path that killed my mom; alcohol. Painfully normalized form of self-medication. I have become so isolated, I work to stop feeling how alone I am... and the money doesn't replace what I'm missing.

I started drinking to stop thinking about watching my mom's eyes glaze over, the grittiness that forms immediately. I used tto go to bars and waste all my money, hoping I'd want to talk to someone.

But even drunk, I'm too aware of what could go wrong.

I stopped drinking a few weeks ago, I quit all nicotine as well, I got my diet right and got back to 12% bodyfat. Physique is better, I'm pretty happy with it.

But it's just Sisyphus's boulder.

Many old heads don't get why Im checked out of dating.

Many don't see why I stopped drinking, or quit nicotine.

I'm going to church more, and I've been trying to listen to God, and I'm learning he works in really mysterious ways.

Once I stopped trying to dismiss Him, man... sometimes His timing and effect is just poetic.

I just need to keep surviving.

But man it all feels so pointless.