Extremely depressed dad, can someone help?

Gregorian_Tree · 2017-12-10T15:58:41+00:00

My advice for those in this situation is always the same.

a) Document everything. Record every phone call, capture every email, capture every text message, every IM, etc. You won't win tomorrow, because the deck is stacked against you, but you can win over time with a case that's carefully built, so start building. If you've got any pictures of her also doing drugs, it's a good idea to put those aside so you can use them in court.

b) Get a lawyer. It's expensive, I know, but you need someone who knows the system and isn't an emotional wreck to take action on your behalf during this period where you're gobsmacked.

c) You are cold and hard but fair, 100% of the time. You want your son, you want your share of time with him, but you ALSO want her to have her share. The judge needs to see that you aren't out to punish anyone, just defend what's rightfully yours as his father.

d) If you really give a fuck about your son, put in the time and prove it. Educate yourself on your nation and state divorce laws and treat it like it is the most important 'class' you'll ever take - because it is. Know them backward and forward, and you might even want to do some reading into recent case law in your area.

aesopstortoise · 2017-12-10T20:52:19+00:00

If smoking weed is relevant then a hair test would conclusively prove that both parents had indulged.

crazypants88 · 2017-12-10T17:05:05+00:00

So sorry to hear this.

It's easy to say but I think it's of utmost importance that you be there for your child, even if you don't have custody.

My father was very absent during my childhood and teen years, I think it helps immeasurably for a boy to have a father around.

Hope it works it out

omegaphallic · 2017-12-10T18:48:13+00:00

I don't know what you can do, but my heart goes out to you.

WildHuntsman · 2017-12-11T04:39:55+00:00

You are in a rough place. Don't be hesitant to reach out for help. Whether it be a family member, friend, mental healt proffessional, etc., having someone to interact with and work on helping you cope with your problems is an important thing for you right now. Keep your mind healthy. Good luck.

cld8 · 2017-12-11T10:08:40+00:00

Get a good lawyer immediately. It is worth whatever it costs.

jkarovskaya · 2017-12-12T04:02:00+00:00

From now on, and even after the divorce is final, try to always have a friend in the car when you go pick up your son so you have A WITNESS in case she attacks you, screams at you, or starts yelling.

I would not try to video her while these encounters take place because that will make her angry, but if it's legal in your state, buy a pen that records sound so you can capture audio. They work well, and if she gets violent or screams and yells, you at least have some proof of what happens.

I've been through a tough divorce, and I know how hard it is.

Get the best lawyer you can afford

Never say or do anything that might make cops, judges, lawyers think you are violent. Never act aggressive or raise your voice, because her lawyer (no doubt a women) will try to claim you are a potential threat.

Try to get visitation every week. You won't get physical custody, because courts are prejudiced against us, but joint custody goes a long way.

See if you can negotiate that she can't move more than 25 miles away, you may have to settle for 50, I went through that.

best of luck, talk with friends and family, get counseling if you can afford it.

ee4m · 2017-12-10T15:47:36+00:00

I have been through all that. Very, very difficult time, my heart goes out to you.

Obviously the legal system is stacked against you.

Over all, and you might not want to hear this at the moment. You, your health and ability to raise your son could well be affected by fighting something you can't control or win.

The short cut to piece of mind for you might be accepting it, and making do with the every second weekend "baby sitter"arrangement.

You can be a useful baby sitter in the mothers mind, but you can be a very, very attentive and caring Dad in those few days you have every two weeks and make a much bigger and better impression on him and he will eventually see the truth.

Blutarg · 2017-12-10T15:51:38+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you need a lawyer.

It is hard to see, but even if you'll lose custody you'll still have a lot to live for. Some day, your son will need you.

MagicTampon · 2017-12-10T18:14:19+00:00

As a male, you need shitloads of money and a lawyer.

Without that, the system has nothing for you.

The best thing you can do is fight politically, with your time. Join your local men's rights group / fathers rights groups.

Lobby your state legislators.

Recruit others.

MagicTampon · 2017-12-11T04:13:04+00:00

Yes, look up laws in your state -- single party consent vs. dual party consent; also when there might be a reasonable expectation of privacy, and when not.

Record everything.

tbarden · 2017-12-11T02:09:04+00:00

I went through this about 25 years ago. Two sons one 2 and one 6 at the time. Best I can tell, each bad divorce is different in lots of ways but in the end, they're all the same. Horrible, destructive and life-changing.

The truth is that if you keep your son first and foremost in your heart, no matter how horrible the divorce and how unfair the results, you will survive and will be a critical positive force in his life. As painful as things get, keep in mind that your biggest job is to survive and get through this so you can be there for him as much as possible. There will come a day when being able to be clear that you did everything you could to stay in his life will mean more than all the lost time and connection that may get forced on you.

On a very personal note, this can, and often does, result in deep depression. It did with me. Do anything and everything you can to get help if that happens. Your goal is to SURVIVE.

Also, finding a peer counselling group with others going through this could be very helpful. It was for me. If you can't find a group, start one. That's what I did.

Title	Extremely depressed dad, can someone help?
Author	throwaway634239048
Upvotes	34
Comments	24
Date	December 10, 2017 2:08 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/7iu2mx/extremely_depressed_dad_can_someone_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/extremely-depressed-dad-can-someone-help.909596 https://theredarchive.com/post/909596

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