Feel like I really don't fit in anywhere. Mid 30s male.

When I was 18 everything was smooth. Not a care in the world. Was studying for a law degree at a top 10 university in a top country in the world. Looked after myself physically and spiritually. Didn't smoke, even where there was loads of weed around me. Used to sneer at "losers" doing that.

Then... I had so many bad experiences with women.

One got pregnant and had my child. Caused me so many problems ever since and was the start of the downward spiral. Alienated me from my kid.

Next, got married to bpd girl. Short lived.

Next, got married to another girl. Slightly longer lived.

Anyway this last one made tonnes of problems for me in the community. Spread a terrible name about me saying I raped her during marriage. Never. I had all her mates in the community all unfriend me on social media, shun me at events, and so on on. I'm sure many have been through that type of thing with females; "character destruction" in the words of Jordan Peterson.

I left that community after a number of years and moved country.

Anyway, I recently at an event in my new country bumped into a whole load of those old faces and it really triggered something within me. It brought back all that horrible dark energy she infected me with and all the pain of her and the others in my old country.

In a way these people all grew up kind of similarly to me and I should have felt somewhat of a connection but I felt so estranged from all of them. Like, even the usual chit chat questions made me feel uncomfortable with these "enemies" or "spies" of hers. I then went to another place where I knew someone there but again felt like this wall between me and them. I used to have a very close mentor/mentee kind of relationship but I just felt like an extra there too. Like, the overwhelming feeling is one of loneliness and that noone can, or will, ever understand me.

I also don't really feel like I connect with my (very loving) family anymore.

As a new immigrant, it can anyway be hard to find oneself and be settled and comfortable in one's new country. Getting used to new language, culture, ways of doing things.

I felt so lonely. Even my friend who I was staring with near the place I'm talking about, I felt just super detached from their life too. Wasn't like old times. Everyone got married, had kids, is making it work, being successful on some level. Got their shit together. I'm mid 30s, wandering around, a kid who I haven't seen in so long and is completely alienated from me, and all the relationship history.

It made it clear to me how much my life derailed from 18. I was a good catch at that time, probably a B+. Good looking, middle class (certainly not rich but not poor) good prospects, good family, good degree I worked hard in. Ever since the devaluation of me by the first girl, I feel like I'm stuck in this view of myself that's just like I'm such a shadow of who I was, who I could be. I've often turned to vaping, cigs (previously not much now), weed, porn, masturbation and prostitutes to numb the pain I feel inside at the lack of real connection with anyone or anything. My work suffered. My relationships clearly suffered. And all these fake people do well and seem to live lives that are productive and meaningful.

I recently stopped the weed to try to gain more clarity, and I have. 10 days or so clean. But that urge to just have another joint is there, to just sink back into the escape and temporary muting of the pain. I actually really can't get back into that cycle as I have so many things to take care of right now that requires me to have my head screwed on straight. During this clean spell, I tried to get myself away from the cravings of nicotine and weed which rock up every time I try to do something productive, just nagging away at me. They take me away from it. I can't even read more than a few pages these days without wanting an escape from the pain.

Thanks for reading.

Any advice I'd be very grateful.