How does this happen?

Riktrat · 2014-03-11T14:14:09+00:00

The courts aren't there to protect you or your child. From the judge's perspective if they punish the mother then the child will suffer hardships, because she's the primary provider, but you can be beaten without damaging the status quo. Your story is not unique and you are not alone, here you are amongst friends.

dasterdlydeed · 2014-03-11T15:13:18+00:00

Made a new account to post.

It sounds like your son is fairly young from how little time they are giving you.

Having been through this, the best advice I can give you is to continue to document everything. Get a notebook, and write down every time you talk with her, the nature of the conversation, etc. Only communicate with her using email. Get Google Voice text through that; it allows you to keep copies of all texts and voicemails, and you can also set it to email you copies.

This is a long game. At this point, I would be concerned about her trying to move away. Most divorce/parenting agreements have a clause that one parent can't move more than 60 miles without notifying the other party. Be ready to use this to get her back in court.

Remember that it is in your son's best interest to have a relationship with the other side of his family. That means equally shared parenting time.

Talk with your lawyer about what the next five years are going to look like, what your goals are (I assume 50/50 parenting time.) Also, remember that parenting time and custody are not the same. If you can get equal parenting time without joint custody, do that. Joint custody only comes into play in a few situations, and you having more parenting time will help you more down the road if you are back in court.

I was able to find a lawyer who works on a sliding scale; if your lawyer knows this is going to take a while, they may point you toward things you can do yourself, etc. Budget $200/month for filings. If you don't use that money, it's your legal insurance fund.

I would recommend changing your language to be from your son's point of view. Those 30 days weren't taken from you: they were taken from him. Those were days he didn't see his father, his grandparents, etc. Think about that over the next 17+ years.

My son is 12 now, and he is getting to the point where he tells his mom he wants to see me (when he gets his head out of Minecraft). We split when he was 3.5, and I have been fighting her to spend more time with him for the last six years. We finally got 50/50 parenting time last year. My mantra the whole time was that shared parenting was the best thing for him. (Luckily my state is coming around and most newer cases are going 50/50. That doesn't mean men are any more confident asking for it.)

It might seem like forever, but if you keep pushing, there will be a day when your son gets to choose, and he will want to spend time with you.

When I was an every other weekend dad, I set my work schedule so I could volunteer in his school. She can't control what he does in school; the teachers love the help. That's potentially a lot of time for you to be around him. The kids in his school still say hi when I pick him up.

In the short term, if she's only going to give you 16 hours a month, take that kid to fucking Disneyland. If she's going to set you up as a "vacation dad" then milk that shit.

Do your best to put away your anger at her; find other fathers to talk to. Don't ever let her see that she's getting to you. Keep your email with her completely civil and businesslike. I think of my relationship with my ex like a business.

If she fucks with parenting time any more, be ready to call the police. Even if they don't come out, its documented. Call every single time and document it in your notebook. It will be a reason to get her back in court.

This is an 18 year game; it takes time, but you can prevail. I won't say win -- "winning" here is your relationship with your son.

Best of luck to you.

Edit: When you do spend your 8 hours with him, invite friends along. There may be a time when you need character witnesses (let them know you may need this.) It helps to have people outside family who can vouch for you. It also doesn't hurt to start building a list of people who are on your side. If you go to another parenting time hearing, and it goes to court, you'll need a list of witnesses.

In my case, every time we were about to go to court, she settled. Don't be afraid to push if necessary.

TrouserTorpedo · 2014-03-11T14:30:35+00:00

This is a documentary that might help.

It explains the problem with family courts pretty well. They aren't designed for justice, they're designed to make money. The man tends to be the one who gets shafted, and it's absolutely disgusting.

AssignUntoMe · 2014-03-11T17:26:01+00:00

Rant away. That's pure bullshit. They're punishing your son around the time he's going to need his dad the most.

Your_Bacon_Counselor · 2014-03-11T16:53:02+00:00

You are a hell of a human being sir. I would have snapped-out and done something newsworthy by now. Godspeed.

dasterdlydeed · 2014-03-11T16:35:58+00:00

Wow, reading your edit, I'd be livid. Fuck that.

I guess the only thing I can suggest is to control what you can control.

I found volunteering in my son's school to be great, because I didn't have to deal with his mom at all, and I got to see him in a completely different environment. Even if it was stressful to deal with a bunch of kids, I knew he would be there, I wouldn't be getting my hopes up to see him and then have her change the schedule on me.

My experience with mediation was good one time, and then shitty the second time. We made it all the way to an agreement, and then she decided she didn't want to do it. So that was six months wasted (plus legal fees.) In my state at least, nothing she said during mediation was admissible in court. I could use emails she sent me as evidence, but the whole mediation process was inadmissible. Because of this, I wouldn't recommend mediation if at all possible. There are no consequences. When I resolved to go to court, my ex's behavior changed greatly.

It seems you've already been through that, so I wish I could give better advice.

Since your son is 11, does he have access to technology? I video chat with my son through his iPod and through Google Chat. Used Android phones are dirt cheap on eBay. I also play with him through Minecraft and Steam when he's not at my house. He reaches out to me a lot more, which has been great. He doesn't like talking on the phone, so that was never really an option.

One thing about Google Chat is that I can see what his mom says to him as well. . . so that might be something that would help your case if you're looking for evidence of emotional manipulation.

I've found the older my son gets, I'm amazed by how much he perceives. He knows you love him; his problem is he's got a crazy mother to deal with, and he might choose to be with her because he knows she's crazy -- my ex uses my son as an emotional crutch. You're the stable one, so it's okay to not be with you right now because it doesn't hurt you as much. (My son has told me things like this; it's tough hearing him say this in so many words.)

Joshthathipsterkid · 2014-03-11T17:34:39+00:00

Good luck man, I live in Oakland county and I know how bad it is over here.

Juan_Golt · 2014-03-11T17:53:06+00:00

You've discovered one of the worst parts about custody decisions. Lack of enforcement. We ask men to spend tens of thousands and fight for custody in court, when the mother receives custody by default. Yet, even if you win, all you get is a piece of paper with nothing backing it up.

It will start small. She'll begin with just taking a day that is important to her. Then a weekend, etc... It will get worse every time she gets away with it. The courts only real power is sanctions and they just flat out aren't used. If you call the police to enforce a court order, they will say it's a matter for the courts, the courts will refer you to mediation, and the mediator will say 'well enforcement is handled by police'.

Good luck buddy, just don't do anything stupid. If you did the same there would be an amber alert out against you.

2014-03-11T19:45:50+00:00

You married a completely shallow and vindictive bitch, and the two of you can't work it out to the benefit of your offspring. The courts are only part of the problem.

rightsbot · 2014-03-11T13:12:17+00:00

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ruskeeblue · 2014-03-11T17:35:54+00:00

What kind of attorney do you have? Take a look at this PRO SE if you cant afford an attorney or read it anyway to stop this kind of B.S. , You really need to stop her with lots of motions to counter what her attorney is doing. Many times your paying child support AND not getting to see your kids makes you emotional and angry so you make mistakes. Make sure you get an appeal filed before the deadline , dont know what state your from or even if your in the US but get going on this quickly else you loose your chance to keep her from doing this. http://www.fileconvoy.com/dfl.php?id=ga575687e8838e49e999471720c3c7d054ec662be4

larrybirdsboy · 2014-03-12T02:20:35+00:00

Damn man, that's rough. I'm a 14 year old male, my parents divorced when I was 11. I'm lucky that my mother isn't a complete bitch and gives my father 2 FULL weekends a month (1 weekend with her and 1 weekend doing sports and other programs for when I'm not with him) AND Summers with me. When I am at my father's house him and I always have something to do, whether it be playing basketball (in your case I would suggest going with him to batting cages and/or playing catch), running the dog, or watching a football game, he always has something for us to do. This has led to a very strong relationship between him and I. Fill the gaps that your son has in his life at his mother's (baseball is one you mentioned) and he will love you on a level you can't even imagine. This is the best advice I have for you since others are already contributing and I do to have much experience in the legal field considering my age.

Title	How does this happen?
Author	pmpkng
Upvotes	180
Comments	44
Date	March 11, 2014 1:12 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensrights/comments/204vw1/how-does-this-happen/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-does-this-happen.1615301 https://theredarchive.com/post/1615301

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