Suicidal Thoughts Over Circumcision

Hey, /r/MensRights.

I'm an American young adult who was circumcised as an infant. But I wasn't aware that any part of my genitals was modified until recently. And I really, really hate that it was against my consent. I would have never fucking agreed to this.

I don't really feel anything while masturbating, and circumcision allegedly reduces male pleasure significantly: it's led me to hate my own body, have reoccurring feelings of humiliation and suicide, and spiral into overwhelming depression. Even if it wasn't botched - which I highly suspect - I would have loved to keep my whole autonomy intact.

I strongly suspect that my - relatively aggressive - circumcision is the reason why. A lot of pleasure zones on the male body apparently don't exist for me. (I only really feel significant sexual pleasure while gripping the shaft, testicles, and/or while having an orgasm... the frenulum is apparently entirely gone...)

Maybe sex and masturbation doesn't feel that good, anyway. I don't know. But I have a feeling from the way others act about it... that it's supposed to feel really good. I just don't have anything to compare it, too. I really hope that circumcision doesn't reduce male pleasure as significantly as it is claimed. Since masturbation - at least for me - doesn't really do anything pleasurable to a significant extent.

But I'll be visiting a urologist soon to verify what's specifically - and possibly - wrong with me. Because I think it might been botched in a "minor" way. Although you allegedly lose sensation from circumcision naturally... it's possible that mine went wrong in some way.

I broke down to my parents about this. I never wanted my genitals customized to look like my dad's. I just wanted what I was born with. What I should have kept.

And my parents don't get it.

My mother simply told me that she was sorry for upsetting me. That she would have never of done it if she knew that my modification would have upset me. But there's nothing she can allegedly do about it now. You can restore the foreskin. But the specific nerves are entirely gone. True restoration may be far in the future.

And then she started defending it. She said that she's doubtful it reduces any sensations, is more clean, and implied that a circumcised penis looks better than one that didn't undergo the cut. But I'm still disappointed. I would have just have found a girl who would have been okay with my foreskin.

And this part made me angry. She said that I'll never know the possibly reduced amount of sexual pleasure anyway, so that's not that big of a deal. And told me my dad was circumcised as a child. And then they (actually before) brought up the Bible: saying that God wouldn't command an objectively evil action if he was purely good. And that I should wonder why it was mandated in the Old Testament... for alleged health effects.

It's caused me to stop identifying myself as a Christian. Since my prayers failed to receive any response, I feel betrayed by Him, and it feels like praying to someone who let me be sexually abused. (Except with some "problems" with masturbation - which I always did to stop my high sex drive... I'm still a virgin into my 20s... and waiting for marriage... so kind of a "Book of Job" situation.) Circumcision itself was commanded in the Old Testament.

I'm not sure if I can keep living like this. But I don't ultimately want to kill myself. I just wish I could fix what was done to me. And I feel powerless that anything will change soon.

I heard there's rumors that some form of VERY EXPENSIVE full restoration will be possibly open to the public in a decade or two. But I have no clue how old I will be by them. And research in the area is underfunded, disorganized, and not taken seriously.

Even worse? Any further reductions in circumcision rates may ironically reduce the motivation of companies to produce a product like that... So a cure/full for the general public may never arrive in the foreseeable future.

I don't even have anyone to be angry at. The doctors? My parents? Society? There's no real clear answer that. And society only really talks about circumcision in the form of a quick gag or joke. So I'm wondering how much sexual pleasure I'm actually missing.

I'd still be mad if the surgery was mainly a non-consensual cosmetic operation on my genitals. But I started becoming overwhelmingly angry at the world, my parents, etc. when there's disputed reports that it significantly decreases sexual pleasure in males. I wonder if that's why sex, porn, and masturbation seems so boring to me. I barely feel anything while watching it.

I've considered moving to a place where assisted suicide is legal. But I don't really have the guts to go through with it. And I'm more afraid of the afterlife presently (June 2020) than hopeful.

Any help? Because it's destroyed my sexual life, hope for the future, and present happiness. And I've undergone a deconstruction of faith.

Is there any hope that it could be fully restored within my lifetime? Or is my sex organs essentially destroyed for the rest of my life? Because if they are... I don't know what I have left.

I never consented to having my natural lubrication destroyed. I never consented to having my sensitivity reduced by an unknown amount. I never consented to any of this. And I can't even express my feelings to anyone.

It feels like I've been horribly violated.

Since I would have never, ever removed a part of my genitalia for a cosmetic reason. But that's apparently what legally happened to me... since they wanted me to look like my father as well. I barely feel anything while masturbating, too. And I suspect sex is little different.

If I miss the most pleasurable human activity... with someone I love. What's the point of going on? I'm so, so angry at what was done to me. It's like a gross disfigurement and no one in my family understands what they did to me.

I have no friends, either. And was always bullied as a kid. I wish I could escape to sex to make up for it... but I don't want to become a drug user, either. (I've never had any up to this point) But it's apparently the only thing that'll feel really good for me.

A part of my genitals was removed without my consent. And I'm so, so enraged about it. Why even live? How is this okay in the modern United States? Who gave them the right to do that to me?

I'm forced to look at the hideous mutilation of my body for the foreseeable future. And I can barely feel anything sexually.

I'm just too much of a coward to go through with it... I've been thinking to move to a place where it is legal. But I've been so scared of the afterlife. My prayers have been silent so far.

I need some way to cope. I don't want to die. But my parents have been the only ones to really care about me my entire life. And now I feel like they sexually hurt me as a child. But I can't tell them that. I won't tell them that. I don't want to break their hearts. I know that the doctor recommended it to them. And I know that they didn't have enough information to question his recommendations.

But I would give up so, so much to have this not happen to me. My sexuality has been destroyed. I'm so enraged at this world. How is this normal? I wish I had a normal penis.