I went through a less than fun custody battle that has lasted over a year (it ultimately turned out well for me, and not our kiddo's mother). I'll summarized some key things that I've learned. But, before that here's a bit of background.

Over the past 12+ months I've cried myself to sleep more times than I care to count because our kiddo was not here, I was not able to spend time with our kiddo, and I wasn't able to spend my legally appointed time with our kiddo. My place is a wreck as of recent because I simply didn't care - I didn't get to see our kiddo and everything else just didn't matter. Did I wash my hair today, yesterday or this week? It didn't matter. Was I showing up to work on time? It didn't matter. Did I have too much to drink the night prior? It didn't matter. Did I think of a way out of this? Yes, but I never acted up on it. Have I ever experienced as much frustration in my life? Nope.

  1. You are your own worst enemy. Accept this. How you act/react is more critical/important than what the other parent does. You're an adult - act like it, even if the other parent is not.

  2. Document everything possible. Keep every text message or email. Take photos or audio (or video if legal) at every opportunity - absolutely do not do anything illegal. Keep your cool - do not fly off the handle OR get sucked into any verbal/emotional trap that is set. Gaslighting is a common tool used against the other parent - be aware of this, and put your emotions to the side no matter how much the other parent verbally/emotionally pushes you.

  3. Make a calendar (I prefer electronic, but whatever works for you is best) and put an 'event' on that calendar if something substantial happened (ie. today kiddo's other parent said/did "blah"). Absolutely do NOT ever try to make yourself out to be perfect or the hero - that will absolutely backfire. You will make mistakes - own up to them, but do not throw yourself on a sword - do not take blame for something you did not do.

  4. If you get a legal document, make the time to read every word of it, and prepare a written response. Make sure that your written response is double spaced (judges read a LOT of documents - make it easy on them), and is 100% based upon provable fact (audio, picture or video - keep your emotions out of it). Do everything possible to demonstrate the actual hurdles you face (travel, time, etc) - keep your personal drama out of it entirely.

  5. Be gracious and thankful for what the other parent has to offer, be it available time, money, transportation, other friends & family that can help, etc. If you constantly throw crap at the other person, you look like an asshole that has a vendetta.

  6. If you go to mediation, say factually what you're asking for, then SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. I cannot say how important this is... Say only what you need to say, then SHUT THE FUCK UP. Say what you need to say in as few words as possible - leave emotion out as much as you can, even if that means pre-writing potential questions and responses. "I'm looking for 50/50 custody, as I just want to see our child." Do not say 'my child' - say 'our child.' You are showing respect to the fact that it took 2 of you to create that child and are not excluding the other parent. 100% of what you say and how you act is reported back to the judge. Treat this as a job interview to see your kiddo.

  7. If the other parent interrupts you - SHUT UP IMMEDIATELY, don't roll your eyes, sigh or have any outward reaction - wait for the mediator to ask you a question, then only answer factually. Let the other parent interrupt you - this works against them. Just stay quiet. Let the mediator see that you're not getting emotional or unhinged, and that your only focus is on the child - and not the gaslighting/trap that the other parent is setting up for you. Give the other person all the rope they want to hoist themselves up in a verbal manner. Allow the other parent to demonstrate how selfish, greedy and unreasonable they are.

  8. It is never appropriate to mention if the other parent started a new relationship or not. The court does not care about that, nor if you are in a relationship or not. What the court does care about is what YOU are doing to be there for your child/children, and what steps/measures you've done with your resources to make life comfortable/good for them. This is not a matter of the other parent making things hard on you emotionally, financially or otherwise. If you have a financial difficultly, state is plainly - "here is my income, here are the bills that I must pay to work and have a home (this includes utilities, mobile phone, home internet, gas and food - that's it) - here is what is left over." You will likely have to fill out a court form to prove this, so don't lie.

  9. If the other parent moved far enough away to make it difficult/impossible to see the child/children, state that factually ("the other parent moved X number of miles away from our previous shared residence."), and if you moved away, also state how far you moved away. If you moved 10 miles away and the other parent moved 60 miles away - state it clearly.

  10. If the other parent has clearly put forth zero effort into preparing your child/children to go with you, state it factually (pictures help). That includes if the other parent creates a situation where you cannot get your child/children without their permission, and denies you permission (ie. the child is at the back of the house, but you're not allow to enter the house).

  11. This is drastic measure, so do NOT use this unless you're at the end of your rope. When you go to see your child/children, call the local police/sheriff department and request a CIVIL STANDBY. The officers will only record/observe the entire event and will NOT act unless the situation clearly goes bad. The other parent will likely have a negative response, hence why you do not use this unless you absolutely must. As the officers are recording 100% of the event, it is factual/unbiased evidence of what is occurring. This can be brought up in mediation or court. This is a double edged sword - if you act like an asshole, the judge will see it, but if the other parent acts like an asshole, the judge will see it.

Finally, if anyone has any questions, please ask me openly. I'll do everything I can to assist others that are going through similar situations. Please understand, my knowledge/experience is limited, so I will not have the answer to everything. I simply don't want another parent to go through the hell that I did.