For a number of years, after many mistakes and lessons, I [M27] have learned to some degree what I want in terms of living/implementing a TRP/RPC life. The actual result, however, has been interesting as I reflect on it all now. I've been a godless heathen most my life, growing up outside any church (religion) but have always felt that God has called me to be a godly person, and so I've tried to do that despite all my sin. So I've been patient and impatient, kind and rude, sweet and bitter, persistent and lazy, etc.

I stand nowhere. A house divided does not stand at ease. Internal conflict and strife seem inescapable if not for the hope that through the power of Christ, all the thoughts and concerns and fears will fade if not disappear. My mind has been a spiritual battlefield for years and only at about 20 did I figure it out, though I didn't know it, I didn't know what had just happened. I am talking about a spiritual experience. I am not sure how it all got started but I know that prior to 20, I had been striving all my life. Always looking for an edge, an upperhand on all others. I was mean and ruthless, though I could also present myself as kind, and especially patient because it has been in my nature for long. Grew up in a single-mother home with a twin (F) sibling. Met dad at 7 and stepdad at 10. Neither have been perfect examples nor do I believe they have really given it a good effort. I spent most of those first 20 years being my own person and living for myself, to the point wherein I got into drugs and alcohol.

One night in January of 2011 (My Dark Night of the Soul), my mind was tingling with thoughts and notions, I had been using drugs with others, at which point I became extremely sensitive to my environment and the actions of others. After a brief social mishap given my influenced state, I left the gathering but became increasingly paranoid and anxious. At some point, however, the internal front that I had been keeping for as long as I could remember against the world collapsed and I became absolutely void as I just started crying for no explainable reason. It was a scales-falling-from-the-eyes type event in my life. I didn't do much the rest of that night. It was like nirvana, this huge existential burden of keeping the world at bay fell off my shoulders and I felt carefree. The next 7 or so years became an bittersweet experience.

After that night, I could hear when I listened and see when I looked. From one day to the next, I absolutely disliked all the movies and shows and songs which had so greatly impressed me before. I became difficult with other and became very reclusive as I began down a road of abstract/magical thinking. My continued drug and alcohol use did not aid, only prolonged this period. I stopped caring about school, friends, family, relationships, my responsibilities, everything. I became ontologically insecure most days doubting whether I was real or not. My sense of self had completely disappeared and the insults of a stranger to another all felt personal. I had no frame of reference and it was like floating in space for infinity, a purgatory. Mental health issues became a concern for much of this time. Counseling, therapy, hobbies and good friends & family have all worked to clear what was to them a very tormented person.

Throughout the 7 or so years, I have done what I can to regain my sense of self so I've been rebuilding from the ground up. I am finishing grad school, I have a healthy number of friends and good relationships with them and family though I often forget it. The older version of myself (the 20 years + 7 leading up to now) is still a memory and so I struggle like Peter to live in the spirit and not the flesh. I feel today more confident than ever that God will resolve all things. I know and believe now that the spirit was awakened in me that night and that it spent 7+ years fighting and older, more sinful version of myself that in hindsight I dislike but understand was adapting to an environment, simply trying to survive.

There are a lot of missing points but what I want to get to is that now, the person that is coming through is fighting the person that was. I want to be a better person and every so often, I am getting better at doing so longterm. It gotten much easier simply by the fact that I have had to try over and over again, despite the countless failures along the way. Can anyone please explain what this process is (has been) and what God has to say about it?