The discord is active, some OYS posts, I have many smiles. Let’s keep this momentum going.

In my story, let’s land this plane.

So I texted this girl and I decided to delete the app I used to text her. I decided this was not the direction I wanted to go. I was still dumbfounded that I could get the number of a hot 24 year old.

I didn’t plan to tell my wife, but God had other plans. The day after I texted girl 2, I was in a Bible study about living in the light.

I came home, told her what I did and thought. That I wanted to leave her and cheat on her. I likely timed it poorly and just did it to feel better. I took some time to myself and journaled the thoughts below and I just kept typing out my journal thoughts from the next couple months. Hopefully they help some of you out there. Enjoy being in my head during this time.

Some may find my thoughts boring, if so feel free to skip the journal section and I will summarize it at the end (--- marks the start and end):

— 

There are a set of behaviors and thoughts that lead me to leading my life and family well.

There are a set of behaviors and thoughts that lead me out of being the man I want to be.

Can I Red Pill with a clear conscience?

-What is Red Pill?

How can I live well with life’s disappointments, suffering etc.

Why do I want to leave (my wife)?

-She has mocked me for wanting sex, told me to go sleep with others, hook up with others, get their number, etc.

-Making sex bad on purpose

-When I have felt my lowest she has been consistently unavailable

–I do not blame her for my problems–

(next day)

I have thought more about Red Pill. It has been a tool to get me the sex I want. It is a power game. It also helps my wife submit.

I wonder if my struggle in execution has to do with worrying how offensive it is. The Bible is offensive though. Maybe that is why I recoil at that too.

Every critique of RP so far basically says that the men there are immature. But by what standard?

Why was I wanting to cheat on my wife?

Because of how cold she is to me.

Am I justified in this?

No

Will it make me happy?

No

I think (my wife) is the coldest person I know.

I cannot think of 1 time I wanted sex, she didn’t, and it was good.

Proverbs 5 tells me to delight in the wife of my youth, and yet it tastes like a bitter well, worse than Chipotle water.

Please help me in this God

I have been thinking about shame. It has caused me to go along with things I don’t want, like (going on a trip with my wife’s friends). Is this why I have accepted such coldness for so long? Why I starve myself, workout, Redpill and accept such bad behavior? Why I don’t try to lead her? Why I don’t do the things I want?

I’m wondering if it's fair to expect (my wife) to love me when I’m not even loving myself. Who else will stand up for me except for God?

(after solitude trip)

RP is accurate. After (my wife) got over being a Pharisee, she f*cked me harder than ever. I’m not upset. I hope things really do get better.

She also blew me, which has only happened a handful of times.

(We both vow to change, but very little actually does at this point. There are still times where I act like a weak little boy, and she does like most women do and temporarily change. It was fun while it lasted.)

I committed to love her through her shortcomings and stay committed. Her pattern has been to put up a wall and she does it many times after this event.

I stay up late for a poker night and I end up having my worst self come out again. I’m selfish, angry, entitled, critical, and unsecure.

I start seeing my sins as sins against God.

I see how I am letting my life be controlled by how I feel my relationship is with my wife.

Paul learned in whatever situation to be content.

I let my wife walk all over me if our sex life is good.

I keep stuffing my sexual desire and living like a nice guy.

I have been mad at my wife for how she has treated me, but it was God’s plan to make me into a better man. My best moments have come out of the trials. Why do I return to nice guy ways if those were my worst days?

Nothing is wasted in God’s kingdom.

I easily sell my soul for sex and money. I enslave myself to them, willingly.

My wife agrees to start wearing a head covering (my choice).

Ah Valentines day. The day where again I realize I am an idiot. The nicer I treat (my wife) the worse she act, the less polarity there is, the worse things are.

What do I need to do, to go for what I want?

The weekend after Valentines day, I get a new girls number, lol.

Will (my wife)’s past change what I do? No, I’m going to do what the Bible says.

Reasons nice guys don’t have time for life - they are enmeshed with family, work, and wife - and they choose not to say no.

I have a chart that looks like this (breaking down the areas of my life) with the bold portions as the top of a column:

Leader:

Wife trip

Dictator:

Sex

Head Covering

Enabler:

Dinner Dates

Watching stuff together

Idiot:

Sex?

Letting her lead

Time with her

“Open and honest communication”

I stepped away from most commitments so I could figure out my life.

Why do I do so much? Do I really run myself this ragged to avoid disappointing people (by saying no)?

I suck with having and enforcing boundaries.

I wrote down this quote from (I think) MRP:

“I was weak and simple and didn’t grab for what I wanted. Those days are over and heaven help you if you're in my way.”

I am reaping what I am sowing with boundary enforcement. I am mad at my wife about it, especially as she walks all over me. I should be mad at myself for reinforcing bad behavior.

I want (my wife) to suffer for how poorly I let her treat me.

I see I am again, a dancing monkey and I never internalized RP.

—

(start journal summary)

Holy cow, in 4 months after almost cheating I am a wreck. Here is the summary for those who skipped to here:

I decided to stay and not initiate a divorce. I decided that cheating will not make me happy. Great sex when I get back from my time alone, confirming RP is true. We both vow to change and neither one of us does, except I start pursuing God first.

Being a nice guy still keeps coming back. I didn’t love myself, so how can I expect others to love me? Who else will stand up for me, besides God? I start seeing my sins as sins against God. I have been mad at my wife for how she has treated me, but this is what God has used to make me into the man I am today. Nothing is wasted in God’s kingdom. I repent for enslaving myself to sex and money.

I tell my wife to wear a head covering (as a sign of submission) and she eventually listens.

Later, I’m pissed at her on Valentine’s day, and end up getting another girl's number that weekend (I don’t text her though). My wife found out and is pissed at me, but oh well, I had fun.

I suck at saying no and boundary enforcement. I am reaping what I sow by running myself ragged and not being respected by my wife. I start saying no to more things in my life.

(end journal summary)

I send her off on a trip to help her family and I run the house while she is gone. I get a boost of confidence. She comes back and things are weird. I realize I need to STFU, flirt and I will get what I want. I still have fear, but I push through and do what I should anyway. Sex is great again, but now I vow to not settle for mediocrity (March 2024).

Going back through my journal was helpful. I went from complaining about sex or my wife once a week in my journal to not complaining about it since March. I typically journal when things are bad, and my journal frequency is way down.

So what has changed since March?

I stopped eating Goyslop (wait a second, how did that get in here?)

I have sought God like I haven’t in years.

I have slept the best in my life

I am not letting the pursuit of money consume my thoughts

I said no to things I didn’t want to do

I started spiritually leading my kids

I was recently healed of social anxiety

More to come on all of the above changes.

I still sometimes fear what my wife thinks or feel weak. I typically don’t let that change what I am doing though.

I have pretty mediocre lifts, but can still pull hot 20 somethings. I feared being alone in high school and now I treasure my alone time.

All of this, because after my d*ck was sore from sex, I decided to keep going and not settle. I spent over 6 years in and out of RP as a dancing monkey. I am nothing special. And neither are you.

You are reaping what you are sowing, I am too.

As I reflect on these things, I am the happiest I have been in my life. I care what God thinks more than other people. I welcome you on this journey if you want to do the work. I have more posts to come, but don’t just sit on the sidelines, it is much more fun to play. Join the Discord.

The thing that gives me the biggest smile, is with all of this, Lord willing, I am just getting started.