need help-marriage

Deep_Strength · 2022-12-13T16:10:27+00:00

Please add these details to your main post to get a better response. From Rule 2 -

ALL posts asking for help with relationship issues must include the following:

Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

Stats: body fat, height, weight, lifts, etc.

Reading: Which sidebar content you've read (RPC and/or MRP). Any other books?

Finances: Current job and income quality, future prospects, debt issues

Spiritual: How mature you are, how often you pray, have quiet times, share your faith, memorize Scripture, evangelism, how you're using your spiritual gifts, etc.

Locked until you add them

Rifleshoot · 2022-12-13T16:45:07+00:00

Post the stats that @deep_strength mentioned for sure.

With what you’ve said so far, I can tell you that “passion” like you are talking about fades in every single marriage. Do you think that a marriage that lasts for decades upon decades is built solely on passion? Passion is an intense, unreliable, short term emotion. A lasting marriage is built on love, which is a voluntary, willful action. You choose to love someone. Imagine if she gets burned in a fire and loses all her beauty. For sure, all the passion that you’ve felt would be gone. But do you still care about her, about her well being and happiness? Love comes from that.

When it comes to passion, which I think you really mean sex here, you’ve got to come to the hard realization that part of getting sex is being attractive to a woman. And if you aren’t getting sex, then it follows that you are not attracting her, which means that you are not attractive. That’s a hard pill to swallow for some, but the good news is that it’s fixable.

Fat people can lose weight, skinny guys can put on muscle, wimpy guys can learn confidence, lazy guys can become great leaders. The first step to getting better is admitting that you’ve got the problem. Without your stats, I can’t say what problem you’ve got, but you already know what your issue is. I can tell you that if you do some reading on the sidebar, and listen to the advice given here and put the work in, you can absolutely get yourself out of the rut. It changed my life for the better, for sure.

JabberWookie_77 · 2022-12-14T08:58:24+00:00

Until you post your stats, there won’t be a lot of specific helps that people can offer you. As to you last doubt, yes you should be here asking for help.

The guys here will point you to practical things you can do to improve your situation. That is if you really want help. If your looking for someone to tell you that it’s ok to break the vow you made before God and men and abandon your wife because of how you feel right now, you’ll be disappointed. The fact is, as soon as you consummated your marriage, the decision was done. Nothing else matters now. She is your wife.

So you know what to expect, you’ll likely find that most of the biggest issue in your marriage stem from you and your leadership or lack there of. It can be a bitter pill to swallow. I speak for personal experience. But if you realign your purpose in life with Christ and his kingdom and do the work on your self, things will get better.

rocknrollchuck · 2022-12-14T15:41:56+00:00

Well I was going to comment but......no stats.

In case you're on mobile, click the "About" tab to see the Sidebar, where you'll find all our foundational reading material. Here's why we ask for stats.

Past-Building-1596 · 2022-12-14T17:18:17+00:00

Ive always heard this, that most of the issue in a marriage is that persons own fault (always pointed towards the man). Ive heard that from my father & many others. Im willing to change & i feel like ive been trying & will try harder. but at what point is it not a fault of my own, how do i recognize this & would that same thing be said from her side of the pole? Am i the only one that needs changing?

Deep_Strength · 2022-12-14T19:47:28+00:00

mission: im not sure what this means, my mission in life? or marriage? anyways, i guess mission would to be to own a home, have children & be financially stable is all one could ever really want.

Both, but the most important is your mission for God.

Your answer is not complete. What does the Bible say about leading a family? What are your plans to do the things you said you are going to do? Are you doing them?

stats: maybe 15-20% BF, 6’, 190lbs. Workout consistently

Good.

reading: i havent read any of it yet, i tried to make a post in another reddit but was directed to here & i didnt know about the sidebar, etc beforehand

This would be a good start.

finances: respiratory therapist, make decent money, planning on going back to school to advance & change direction in medical field, currently in some credit card debt that we are working on paying off.

That's OK.

spiritual: ive been a christian all of my life, pray everyday with my wife, multiple quiet times, i dont share my faith too often unless i am in a situation i feel like i should, i believe ive been called to help ppl & am able to connect/empathize with others quite easily thats why im in the medical field, beyond that im not too sure what my other spiritual gifts are.

However, even before our wedding day i started to have my doubts. I believed that she was a great person & willing to bend over backwards for me, but something was & still is just “missing.” I dont think i was honest with myself & that i was too scared to hurt her or for us both to face the embarrassment of cancelling wedding plans & went through with everything planned.

So what exactly is the issue with your marriage then?

It's common to have doubts. Doubts are not a bad thing. However, they can be a bad thing if they're ruining your marriage.

However, since then i feel like ive just been losing myself & that ive been staying here because I know God hates divorce. I feel like theres no passion in our relationship, feelings ive felt with others before. I feel like were so new into it, yet its almost like im living with a roommate. Ive explained and expressed my needs for more intimacy between her, a need for me to be with my friends as were still a young couple (she has a very hard time with letting me do things apart from her). Mine & my families sense of humor is a bit much at times for her & the differences of our families has often caused a rift between her & them & makes me feel more separated from them too since i ought to “leave my mother & father.”

Its been so hard & i feel like i lost my sense of happiness & have fallen into a depression, second guessing if we were meant for each other or if we just jumped the gun on emotions early on. I feel like every time i’ve expressed my needs, they just get thrown out the window & divorce has been flooding my mind, thinking i could be happy again if i wasnt with her.

Like Rifle said relationships and marriages are not built on passion. They're build on God's Biblical marital roles and responsibilities and choosing to obey God.

It's common for the infatuation, libido, and other things to drop. There are ways to increase that.

The biggest problem it seems like you're having is that she doesn't have passion for sex that you do although you're beating around the bush stating that. What are you doing to bring some anticipation to the bedroom for you and her throughout the day? Have you led in any of these scenarios? For instance, you can text her throughout the day and say things like "I'm excited to see you in -some type of lingerie- tonight and I'm going to have my way with you" and then follow through.

Women's desire does not increase because you "express your needs" and it's common for women to not know how to deal with that and throw it out the window. What gets women attracted and aroused is the man taking the lead and being dominant in the way you do things. For instance, creating that anticipation I mentioned earlier gets womens' juices going and then you following through will bring her passion up.

This is one of the big problems that Christian marriage advice and counseling does not take into account. Women are more reactive in their passion and desire, and talking with them about it does nothing. You have to be the man and take the lead.

Title	need help-marriage
Author	Past-Building-1596
Upvotes	7
Comments	13
Date	December 13, 2022 1:25 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/zkvpcq/need_helpmarriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/need-help-marriage.1144022 https://theredarchive.com/post/1144022

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